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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

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24. February 2013, 14:34:45
ThomasStephen 
Jokes are the closet friend of human's life.

8. February 2013, 02:21:55
Bwild 
Subject: Re:
Sarah:

6. February 2013, 19:34:21
Sarah 
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides



4. October 2012, 10:29:01
Mrs Moon 
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin

29. June 2012, 22:34:47
Iamon lyme 
A priest sees a man kneeling at a tombstone, weeping and wailing, and crying out "Oh, why did you have to leave me?"

Overwhelmed with compassion, the priest walks over to the man to try and comfort him. He asks "Who are mourning for, my son?"

The man replies, "My wifes first husband."

29. June 2012, 20:04:42
Mrs Moon 
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

21. June 2012, 06:34:19
Iamon lyme 
A man is boasting to his friends, saying that last night his wife was on her knees and begging him. His friends, in awe, pleaded with him to tell them what she said. So he told them.

She said "Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

17. May 2012, 00:29:56
ArnieTxx 
Subject: At The Daily Planet
Clark Kent: I'm glad that I managed to complete my report on the bank robbery, with 2 hours to spare before our paper's deadline.
Jimmy Olsen: That's super, man!
Clark Kent: Please, Jimmy, not so loud. I don't want everyone to know.

30. April 2012, 03:48:12
Mélusine 
An old dying man wants to be buried with his money. He tells to his priest, his doctor and his lawyer :
- I put 30 000 $ in your hand ; I trust you to put this money in my coffin when I'll be dead.

In the funeral, every man puts an envelope in the coffin. Suddenly, the priest sobs and confesses :
- I put only 20 000 $ in the envelope because I needed 10 000 $ to repair the roof of the church.
- Well, because we are between reliable people, says the doctor. I put only 10 000 $ in the envelope because we needed a new machine with X-rays for the hospital.
The lawyer answers :
- I am ashamed of you two. I put all the money in the coffin : I put a check of the totality 30000 $.

16. March 2012, 13:08:11
lizrising 
A 3-legged dog walks into a bar. He says, "I'm here to find the man who shot my paw."


*crickets*

1. March 2012, 01:05:52
ArnieTxx 
Subject: Fast Food
Fast Food: When the lion pursues the antelope.

28. February 2012, 20:54:10
ArnieTxx 
Subject: Chow Mein
Chow Mein: What the lion said before getting a haircut.

22. November 2011, 23:50:17
Bwild 
Subject: Re:
skinny18: lol

22. November 2011, 23:39:28
skinny18 
A director and his aide of an insane asylum decided to take a few of his so called residents (crazies) to a baseball game.
Every day for about a week before the game, he took them aside and instructed them what to say, what to do and how to behave so nothing would go wrong.
Finally the day comes and they go to the baseball game.
They are about to sing the national anthym and the director says, "UP NUTS."
They all stand for the national anthym.
When it's over, he says, "DOWN NUTS." and they all sit down.
Later in the game, a home team player hits a home run. The director says, "CHEER NUTS" and they all start clapping and yelling just like all the other fans.
Later on, an umpire makes a bad call against the home team and he says, "BOO NUTS" and they all start booing the umpire.
Everything is going good so the director decides to get some refreshments. On the way back with the refreshments, he sees a big riot has broken out. The police and security are there and all the fans around them are yelling and screaming.
He goes over to his aide and asks, "What happened?"
The aide says, "Every thing was going fine until this guy walked by and started yelling, "PEANUTS."

6. September 2011, 21:57:57
jbravo 
Subject: Business sense
An Indian goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge R50.00 for them.

The Indian buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him R60.00 each.

The Indian returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for R75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Indian, please tell me:
What do you with all these black bras?


The Indian answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for R400.00 each.

26. August 2011, 17:12:25
dams 
Subject: Re:
Carl: not if i was born in this millenium! then the sum is 11 :p

7. March 2011, 23:51:15
Mélusine 
Subject: Re:
Carl: Oh yes, funny !

7. March 2011, 00:59:34
Carl 
Not exactly a joke,but it made me giggle. This year we will experience 4 unusual dates....

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ....



NOW



Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born

Add the age you will be on your birthday in 2011.



IT WILL EQUAL 111.......

22. February 2011, 13:06:43
Mélusine 
Subject: Re:
Tuesday:

12. February 2011, 22:27:22
Carl 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian"


Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over every body."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
Have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing widow."

24. January 2011, 16:04:22
Mousetrap 
Subject: Re: the toilet
The Col:

16. January 2011, 23:49:56
The Col 
Subject: Re:
Tuesday: I think it was written by Reince Priebus

16. January 2011, 23:41:57
The Col 
A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How about a drink?" The bartender says, "Sure, the toilet is right down the hall."

19. November 2010, 15:11:40
Bwild 

19. November 2010, 14:42:39
Gouwe gozer 
When a little girl takes her pussycat to school to protect from her daddy, is in my opinion very family friendly

16. October 2010, 21:56:06
skipinnz 
Subject: how's your day going
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left
my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough
about
me,
how's your day going?"

15. October 2010, 21:11:04
welshrugbyfan 
Subject: red neck jury
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

15. October 2010, 04:53:34
welshrugbyfan 
atheism - its a non prophet organisation

30. September 2010, 04:53:47
Bwild 

30. September 2010, 03:58:57
Vikings 
Three year old Butchy is sitting on the toilet. After some time had passed, his mother thinks he's been in there a long time and goes to see what's up.


Butchy is sitting there on the toilet looking at a book. But, every few seconds he puts his book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.


Mother asks, "Butchy, are you alright? You've been in here a long time." Butchy replies, "I'm okay, but didn't go doody, yet."


Mom says, "Okay, you can stay here a little longer but why are you hitting yourself on top of the head?" To which, Butchy replies...


"Works for ketchup!"

30. September 2010, 03:54:43
Vikings 
Subject: class asignment, get your parents to tell a story with a moral to it
Modified by Vikings (30. September 2010, 03:55:34)
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked.

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking," Janie replied.

30. July 2010, 16:24:58
alilsassy 
Subject: Re: BREAKING NEWS:
Jim Dandy:

24. July 2010, 13:33:33
Kiwiyeti 
Subject: Re:
Jim Dandy:

20. July 2010, 22:56:55
The Col 
BREAKING NEWS: CNN just reported that BP replaced the oil cap with a wedding ring and it has immediately stopped putting out!!! News at 11

19. July 2010, 12:40:33
Gouwe gozer 
Subject: Re: Quick,pass the bottle!
Carl: LOL Yes, I need a drink too

19. July 2010, 00:15:53
Carl 
Subject: Quick,pass the bottle!

14. July 2010, 11:46:19
stargood 
Subject: A Melon Story
When I was a young boy my family spent many summers down in Atlantic City. When walking the boardwalk you would often come across an old gentleman wearing a straw hat. He always had the same joke to tell:
"If you cantaloupe, what will your honeydew?" :-)

28. June 2010, 20:06:14
Pedro Martínez 
Subject: Re:
puupia:

28. June 2010, 08:20:30
puupia 

18. March 2010, 03:23:34
Sarah 
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

18. March 2010, 00:59:38
Gouwe gozer 
Subject: Re:
Sarah: That's a joke I can understand, I didn't get the clue in those chickens probably is my English to bad and Markgm your last message something for the poetry-board?

18. March 2010, 00:54:56
Bwild 
Subject: Re:
Sarah:

17. March 2010, 21:42:25
Sarah 
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT  BILLY WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WELL, IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."


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