Clark Kent: I'm glad that I managed to complete my report on the bank robbery, with 2 hours to spare before our paper's deadline. Jimmy Olsen: That's super, man! Clark Kent: Please, Jimmy, not so loud. I don't want everyone to know.
An old dying man wants to be buried with his money. He tells to his priest, his doctor and his lawyer : - I put 30 000 $ in your hand ; I trust you to put this money in my coffin when I'll be dead.
In the funeral, every man puts an envelope in the coffin. Suddenly, the priest sobs and confesses : - I put only 20 000 $ in the envelope because I needed 10 000 $ to repair the roof of the church. - Well, because we are between reliable people, says the doctor. I put only 10 000 $ in the envelope because we needed a new machine with X-rays for the hospital. The lawyer answers : - I am ashamed of you two. I put all the money in the coffin : I put a check of the totality 30000 $.
A director and his aide of an insane asylum decided to take a few of his so called residents (crazies) to a baseball game. Every day for about a week before the game, he took them aside and instructed them what to say, what to do and how to behave so nothing would go wrong. Finally the day comes and they go to the baseball game. They are about to sing the national anthym and the director says, "UP NUTS." They all stand for the national anthym. When it's over, he says, "DOWN NUTS." and they all sit down. Later in the game, a home team player hits a home run. The director says, "CHEER NUTS" and they all start clapping and yelling just like all the other fans. Later on, an umpire makes a bad call against the home team and he says, "BOO NUTS" and they all start booing the umpire. Everything is going good so the director decides to get some refreshments. On the way back with the refreshments, he sees a big riot has broken out. The police and security are there and all the fans around them are yelling and screaming. He goes over to his aide and asks, "What happened?" The aide says, "Every thing was going fine until this guy walked by and started yelling, "PEANUTS."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over every body."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should Have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing widow."
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Subject: class asignment, get your parents to tell a story with a moral to it
Modified by Vikings (30. September 2010, 03:55:34)
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked.
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking," Janie replied.
When I was a young boy my family spent many summers down in Atlantic City. When walking the boardwalk you would often come across an old gentleman wearing a straw hat. He always had the same joke to tell: "If you cantaloupe, what will your honeydew?" :-)
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.
Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT BILLY WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"