The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas,playing in the mud, with empty "food boxes and wrappers" strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house... and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry-way, he found an even bigger mess.... A lamp had been knocked over (broken), and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room... the TV was loudly blaring a "cartoon channel", and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of children's clothing. In the kitchen... dishes filled the sink,breakfast food was spilled on the counter-top, the refrigerator door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something rather serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water, as it made its way out from under the bathroom door. As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor... Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap, and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, there he found his wife... still curled up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What the heck happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work, and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
Cheri: In light of maxim #9 I've reached over to my write-only device to record it onto the non-volatile storage medium that I use that I have to disagree with that one. And they continue to work even if the power is off.
1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C: is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net... and he won't bother you for weeks.ma
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" is feminine -- "la maison. " "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
A guy gets called into the bosses office. The boss says, "you have been here for a few months now and have not worked a full week. You are adveraging four days a week. Can you explain this?" "Yes," says the employee," I can't support my family on three days pay."
A woman is granted 3 wishes but there is one catch, her husband will get 10 times whatever she wishes for. Her first wish is to be the most beautiful woman on earth, the genie says "you do realise that this will make your husban 10 times more attractive than you", "yes" she says "but i will be the most beautiful woman so he will only have eyes for me"
Her second wish is to be very rich, "you do realise your husband will be 10 times richer than you dont you" replies the genie, "yes" she says "but i will be rich too so he will still want me"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back...
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"the cabby said.
"Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. "
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain.
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
1. November 24: Took 24 boxes of chocolate and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. November 24: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. November 27: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. November 27: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares...and watched what happened.
5. December 7: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
6. December 7: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. December 10: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. December 13: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. December 16: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, then kissed the lens.
10. December 16: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 17: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 19: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 19: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds* AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a New nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They Interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only Worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office And said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. "Why, we Just hired her?"
"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her To give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but She gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I Told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she Gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor Rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" The doctor asked. "To see Nancy, I just instructed her to prick