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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



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24. January 2007, 19:13:11
King Reza 
Subject: Re:
rednaz23:Ehhhm, it makes sense now, but it's still not funny at all!  Thanks for the clarification.

24. January 2007, 18:59:56
rednaz23 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: 1 gross is a dozen dozen, or 12 x 12 = 144...

Fowl is another word for birds like ducks... essentially water birds are fowl. which is said the same way as foul.

Does that make sense?

24. January 2007, 11:30:17
Adaptable Ali 
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT
LADY 
 
 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man 
 opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another 
 seat. 
 This time the smile turned into a grin, so she
moved again. The man 
 seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the
man burst out 
 laughing, 
 she complained to the driver and he
had the man 
 arrested. 
 
 The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years 
 old) 
 what he had to say
for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it 
 was like this: When
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but 
 notice 
 her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint 
 Twins
are Coming' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign 
 that
said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to 
 smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 
 "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain 
 myself." 
 "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign 
 that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I 
 just 
 lost it." 
 
 "CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile
on your face and pass it on to

24. January 2007, 08:36:09
Adaptable Ali 

<span>A
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out
of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he
got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.

When
the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
he embezzled from me is.


<span>The
attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper and the bookkeeper
signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." 


<span>The
attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you
don't tell  him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed


<span>in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."


24. January 2007, 08:31:36
Adaptable Ali 
Beware confusing cause & effect....


 
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new
 
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was
 
a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
secrets.
 
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to
 
be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe
that

the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the

village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He

went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this
winter is
 
going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service
 
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
 
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
 
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the
man
 
at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very
 
cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to




 
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
> Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is
 
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, "Those  bloody  Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."

23. January 2007, 19:22:51
King Reza 
Subject: Re:
 danheg:

23. January 2007, 10:58:05
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
danheg:

23. January 2007, 05:01:53
danheg 

what do you call an illusion of 288 eggs?


2 gross for the imagination.


what do you call an illusion of 2 ducks?


2 fowl for the imagination


 


22. January 2007, 13:08:57
Adaptable Ali 
<span>THE
FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
<span>

<span>After
an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on
nutrition and health:
<span>



<span>1.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>2.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>3.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>4.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>5.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
<span>



<span>CONCLUSION:<span>
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.


22. January 2007, 12:40:22
Adaptable Ali 
A police officer pulled over a driver who'd been weaving in and out 

 of the lanes.

He approached the car window and said, 'Sir, I need you to blow

 into this breathalyser tube?

 

The man immediately reached into his pocket and produced a

doctor's note.

On it was written: 'This man suffers from  asthma. Please don't

 make  him perform any action that'll leave him short of breath.

 

The officer said, 'OK then, I need you to come and give a blood

sample.'

 

Straightaway, the man produced another letter.

  This one read: 'This man  is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause

 him to bleed in any way.'

 

So the police officer said, 'Right, I need a urine sample then.'

 

The man produced a third letter from his pocket.

 

  It read, "This man plays for  the English Cricket Team. Please

don't  take the piss out of him."

21. January 2007, 15:04:57
Milioi 

21. January 2007, 15:03:26
JackS 
They're making a new model Barbi doll.
The Divorced Barbi.
She comes with all Ken's things.

21. January 2007, 14:56:26
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Courtesy of my Dad lol
Modified by Adaptable Ali (21. January 2007, 14:56:56)
Some confidence inspiring wit from down
under...


 
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the
actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a
P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only
major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside
main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset
to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is
missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P:
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming
from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
 
 



19. January 2007, 14:11:23
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re: :-)
Pafl:

18. January 2007, 15:05:01
Pafl 
Subject: :-)
Q: Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery in London?



A: Because he was dead.

9. January 2007, 23:12:13
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
skipinnz: LOL, glad u enjoyed them lol

9. January 2007, 22:20:53
skipinnz 
Subject: Re:
mybirthdaysoon: I see you kept the best till last LOL

9. January 2007, 21:47:59
Adaptable Ali 
Modified by Adaptable Ali (9. January 2007, 21:48:22)

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give
up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found
one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a
pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand
over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then
stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy
walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole
said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You
mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
trip together to go right
now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was
patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then
he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still
stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let
the
Catholics
across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gallagher opened the
morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

Did you see the paper?"
asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.
"Where are ye callin' from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An
Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?

Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says,
"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike
said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight
with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one
end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she
say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




 


9. January 2007, 21:45:30
~Patty~ 
Subject: Re:
Milioi: good one!

9. January 2007, 21:41:36
Adaptable Ali 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we
all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is
a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in
the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and
drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me.....I've
quit drinking!"

8. January 2007, 02:09:24
Milioi 

30. December 2006, 03:50:48
Nirvana 
Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas....! (revised edition)
Memo to all elves:

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

21. December 2006, 09:39:37
Universal Eyes 
Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"

Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.

"Hi," the blond jogger said.

"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.

"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME' on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"

To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's

20. December 2006, 19:01:52
ArnieTxx 
Subject: The Rabbit and the Snake
A rabbit and a snake once met. The rabbit said to the snake, "I wonder what sort of creature you are." The snake replied, "I also wonder what you are."

So the rabbit said, "Okay, I'll tell you." "No," answered the snake, "we both should guess. I'll start. You have white fur, long ears and a cotton tail. You must be an albino rabbit."

Now it was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "You have scales and a forked tongue, but you don't have ears. You must be a music critic."

19. December 2006, 21:29:18
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
Cheri:

19. December 2006, 02:35:55
Papa Zoom 
Subject: Re:
Cheri

18. December 2006, 18:57:53
Cheri 
How can you tell when a fairy has been using your computer?

Pixel dust

17. December 2006, 18:13:36
Papa Zoom 
Subject: Re: One pair of boots
hexkid

17. December 2006, 18:05:09
hexkid 
Subject: One pair of boots
Did you hear about the school teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, They're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your Mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

17. December 2006, 15:29:49
Pedro Martínez 
Subject: Re:
Milioi: Your joke, which is one of the best I've seen on this site, is very welcome in my fellowship:
Laugh it up, M8 (Vtipy od 18ti)

17. December 2006, 15:29:47
King Reza 
Subject: Re:
Purple:probably ....

17. December 2006, 15:24:10
Purple 
Subject: Re:
Milioi: I deleted the post in the wake of two complaints sent to me. As a general rule jokes regarding religious matters are probably not a good idea.

17. December 2006, 15:17:15
Milioi 
Subject: Re:
Rose: I did't delete, it was deleted, but the result is the same.

17. December 2006, 15:12:27
Rose 
Since Milioi deleted his post I doubt if youd all mind me removing your posts pertaining to the message as they will confuse readers since the post is no longer there.

17. December 2006, 14:50:23
Milioi 
OK, bible has been deleted. I didn't see anything, that wasn't "family friendly" on this thing. And also I see this less offensive than drawings mentioned by King Reza - because islam forbids picturing of the prophet, but I haven't seen anywhere that christianism forbids labeling the bible...
But it is decision of moderator of the board and that's it.

9. December 2006, 13:06:50
prettymama 
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday
or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or
cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers
outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me."

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again
for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.









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8. December 2006, 16:16:29
prettymama 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: lol good jokes

8. December 2006, 10:50:09
ScrambledEggs 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: love that one..lol

6. December 2006, 11:20:09
King Reza 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you
tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

6. December 2006, 11:07:49
King Reza 
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"



Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."



Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."



Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code
keeps changing."

6. December 2006, 11:06:54
King Reza 
A brunette is trying to get across a river and
suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the
blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a
quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other
side!"

6. December 2006, 11:05:17
King Reza 
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead
bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

6. December 2006, 11:03:31
King Reza 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in
a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you."

6. December 2006, 11:02:51
King Reza 
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day,
listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted,
and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just
make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman
looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she
was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the
headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick
them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was
very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is
what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath
out..."!

30. November 2006, 08:04:29
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: Superb!

28. November 2006, 16:39:12
King Reza 
This is why I didn't show up for
work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and
found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My
wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I
extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank
one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his
wine making. He did. 



I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink,
but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was
very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for
myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest
down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured
the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass,
bottled the drink and drank the pour. 



When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which
were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish
that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her
what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after
climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

26. November 2006, 18:30:47
King Reza 
After being with her all evening, the man
couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had
secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would
have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.



When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim
expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just
died."



"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't,
mine would have had to!"

26. November 2006, 18:28:18
King Reza 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."



While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.



The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped
out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

26. November 2006, 18:26:39
King Reza 
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and
one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel
came down from heaven.



"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to
them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to
bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.



The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two
statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.



"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,
winking at them.



Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon
down and I'll cr*p on it's head."

26. November 2006, 18:25:13
King Reza 

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha
went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling
plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. 
Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really
should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want
to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is
tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the
next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy
wants to ride, but Martha says no money.


Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about
70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70
now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just
have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha
replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps
down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the
conversation...


The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I
couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for
you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both
make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the
slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of
you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look
at each other, and agree to take the ride.


The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop
de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot
lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to
hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was
my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10
is $10!"


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