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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



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31. October 2006, 23:41:31
Sarah 
Subject: Re: Another funny one.
crosseyed: yeah me 2  lol

31. October 2006, 22:28:38
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Another funny one.
Sarah1980: OMG lol I hope Mousetrap reads this joke lol.

31. October 2006, 16:00:36
Sarah 
Subject: Re:
mook53lhd:

31. October 2006, 15:02:48
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980: very good a bit sardonic ha ha ha. but good clean. mook53lhd

31. October 2006, 02:50:26
Papa Zoom 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980

31. October 2006, 02:39:03
Sarah 
Modified by Sarah (31. October 2006, 02:42:45)


  






One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"





31. October 2006, 01:33:46
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980: another power ranger fan. awright. ha ha ha. power rangers with a walker. aside from the kids i wonder if anyone knows what that means. i dig those mystic rangers. mook

31. October 2006, 01:30:23
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980: thats a g. not bad either mook53lhd

31. October 2006, 01:24:42
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
Purple: thanks lets see what others said if anything. + the new jokes mook53lhd

30. October 2006, 13:41:13
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Too old.
Sarah1980: LMAO very good.

30. October 2006, 13:03:55
Sarah 

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating




10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

10. You get winded knocking on the door


9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.


8. You ask for high fiber candy only.


7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balanceand fall over.


6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.


5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.


1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


30. October 2006, 02:01:50
Thad 
Subject: Re: Thanksgiving Joke
JackS: You can't post a Thanksgiving joke until after Halloween. One holiday at a time!! ;-)

30. October 2006, 01:29:00
Sarah 
Dr . Visit for a colonoscopy




I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse,
Evelyn
, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes





After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:





a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.



When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?



At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .




Darn it Evelyn
!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT"

30. October 2006, 01:02:36
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Thanksgiving Joke
JackS: I remember the joke and I remember you taking it rather well when it got deleted! lol

30. October 2006, 00:49:43
JackS 
Subject: Thanksgiving Joke
Last year my Thanksgiving joke got run off PDQ.
Think it is time to post it over at Vtipy again.

30. October 2006, 00:41:12
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
crosseyed: I wasn't picking on you at all. There have been a few questionable jokes posted in the recent past, I was just trying to say that limits were being pushed. I didn't delete or modify the joke. I didn't even ask you to change it.

29. October 2006, 20:58:41
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
Thad: Ok thanks for that info.

29. October 2006, 20:44:16
Thad 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
My two cents:

I'd like to see this board stay super clean. It probaby makes things easier in the long run, BUT only if there is somewwhere to go with our dirty jokes. There is at least one place here. Join this fellowship:
Laugh it up, M8 (Vtipy od 18ti)

Problem solved.

29. October 2006, 20:31:53
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: its still a funny joke & relatively clean
mook53lhd: I have to say you confused me somewhat, one minute it was ok and then next I had over stepped the mark. I bet you some kids today could shock me even. You cannot keep them wrapped in cotton wool. They are more aware at 10yrs and younger than I was at 17yrs.

29. October 2006, 20:23:19
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
Modified by Crosseyed Mary (29. October 2006, 20:24:03)
Rose: That joke was read out on a popular radio station in the UK, at a time when children where about. I think you people need to get real and see that there is far worse being said on TV and in films and just about everywhere.
I did not see any complains about the two old men joke.
It is clear to me that it is more who told the joke. Moderators need to learn to be less bias because you may not like someone. And I have noticed that some moderators have double standards.

29. October 2006, 17:22:44
Purple 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
mook53lhd: Rose was merely stating the policy. The Joke Board is for the whole family and children should not be excluded from reading it. Parents should be able to allow their kids to read it without pre-screening it..that's what the Mods are for. The egg joke reprsents the absolute upper limit of what we can tolerate. And it was a close call.

29. October 2006, 17:13:06
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
Rose: maybe children shouldn't have access to all msg boards . now we all know what the egg joke was really about. gving his all on the kitchen table. its still a funny joke & relatively clean. it wasn't censored .so how do you determine a g rating.? i think its easier to make jokes for adults only .if you really want some real jokes. i have plenty of jokes without a dirty word in them. but the subject matter might not be g . i wouldn't know. so i don't tell them. i think the kids should just be able to play the games. maybe have a message board for kids .they can make friends to play with .learn about other countries. i really don't think adults should be censored in this way. i agree jokes with %^*^%$ & rediculous or ?nable material shouldn't make the board. but that egg joke made it .there have been similar. but someone will post something & get chastised for it, not meaning to offend anyone. i think this policy of watch what you say on a joke board because kids are involved needs to be looked at. a joke needs to be told or delivered properly to be effective. if we have to change things around the joke might not even be funny. i've seen some of that. just an opinion. you say the kids the kids crosseyed. but if that 3 min egg joke can pass then just about any joke without profanity should pass. its clearly obvious what is being talked about in the egg joke. young children won't understand it .but kids 10 & up might to some extent. so really i see no set policy here. i think you're out of line crosseyes. you know you can use parental control. so wheres the beef. in closing i think explicit dirty jokes or profanity should be out . but thats about all. i will gladly accept any feedback. i like the board .i've seen some good stories & jokes. since theres no delay & your post goes right up there ,i mean noone reads it & says nope can't print that 1.i think so far so good . i appreciate your concern crosseyes but think its misplaced here so far, as in my estimation the jokes are ok since i've been reading them. mook53lhd

29. October 2006, 16:59:12
King Reza 
Subject: Re: Egg Timer:
mook53lhd:Yes, I got the joke.  Thanks for the help.  Pgt and Tuesday, I thank you too.

29. October 2006, 16:49:57
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: Egg Timer:
King Reza: ever hear of 3 min eggs. ?well he was a 3 min guy . mook53lhd

29. October 2006, 13:34:37
Rose 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
crosseyed: Please read the top of the jokes board for guidelines

"(Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children. All jokes should be family friendly, thank you :o))"

All jokes should be totally family friendly even for small children who play here.

Please keep all jokes on a G rated format 
NOT PG or higher

29. October 2006, 11:32:38
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Moderators Guidelines.
tazman7474: Last one on list:
REMEMBER: This is suppose to be a fun game site, so some off-topic post and fun can be a good thing, so be careful not to over-moderate, and try not to nit-pick every post to find something wrong with it.

This is the joke board?

29. October 2006, 09:17:08
pgt 
Subject: Re:
Modified by pgt (29. October 2006, 09:18:14)
Tuesday: ...or perhaps she just wants to make sure her eggs get a good time.

29. October 2006, 09:11:59
monday 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: Maybe she boils her eggs for 7 mninutes thus using her husband as a timer.

29. October 2006, 02:45:03
King Reza 
Subject: Re:
tazman7474:OK.  No explanations! 

29. October 2006, 02:43:03
tazman7474 
maybe we're getting just a little beyond what should be on this board?

29. October 2006, 01:35:44
King Reza 
Subject: Re: Egg Timer:
crosseyed: I need explanation to understand it! 

29. October 2006, 01:33:49
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Egg Timer:
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks
in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me - this very
moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns
to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

29. October 2006, 00:59:51
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: sent by a good friend of mine
Fiona: thats a good 1 .especially with halloween coming. very good mook53lhd

27. October 2006, 22:55:37
Fiona 
Subject: Re: sent by a good friend of mine
King Reza: lol oh ok

27. October 2006, 22:52:28
King Reza 
Subject: Re: sent by a good friend of mine
Fiona:By English I was referring to the Language! 

27. October 2006, 22:51:23
Fiona 
Subject: Re: sent by a good friend of mine
King Reza: lol glad you liked it but it was sent to me by an American friend - so the Britts cant take credit for it unfortunately lol

27. October 2006, 22:49:31
King Reza 
Subject: Re: sent by a good friend of mine
Fiona: Thanks Fiona.  That was one of the few English jokes that have made me laugh.

27. October 2006, 22:46:52
Fiona 
Subject: sent by a good friend of mine
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW

24. October 2006, 20:09:12
monday 
Whether language or food...Bush is a joke. oooops....wrong board.

24. October 2006, 19:57:22
Walter Montego 
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day!
teenangel: I looked it up. He's right, and so are you.

24. October 2006, 19:10:30
kimberleigh 
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day!
Pedro Martínez: actually quiche is food

24. October 2006, 07:03:17
BananaD 
Subject: Re: U2 concert
Obviously some don't know the weird sense of humour Glaswegians have and you can't put it past them in making such a comment. I work closely with a couple of ex Glaswegians.
Bono does a lot of great work (as well as Bob Geldof just to name 2) in making the power nations of this world do something productive in assisting those countries less fortunate. I'll leave it at that as this is not the board to discuss this any further. cheers.

23. October 2006, 23:47:58
Pedro Martínez 
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day!
Modified by Pedro Martínez (23. October 2006, 23:48:11)
Beren the 32nd: Quiché is a language spoken by native Guatemalans. The world would be better off if this guy was born as a Quiché native speaker.

23. October 2006, 18:21:43
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: U2 concert
BananaD: 1 for funny. purely being humorous. .it couldv'e been said differently for sure . say everytime you clap "someone in the world kicks the bucket from it.or a gentler way someone in the world contracts it mook53lhd

23. October 2006, 08:00:49
Dolittle 
Subject: Re: U2 concert
BananaD: Sorry but that isn't funny!

23. October 2006, 05:43:52
BananaD 
Subject: U2 concert
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.



Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone



"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."



A voice from near the front pierces the silence;



"Well, stop ******* doing it then."

21. October 2006, 21:49:43
Beren the 32nd 
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day!
Pedro Martínez: My brain hurts. Please clarify. I only found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quich%C3%A9_%28disambiguation%29

21. October 2006, 19:39:32
Pedro Martínez 
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day!
Universal Eyes: If only he had a Quiché.

20. October 2006, 02:57:39
Universal Eyes 
Subject: Joke of the Day!
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order.
Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

16. October 2006, 23:18:32
Thad 
Subject: Re:
Fiona: Yes, I know, just being funny. ;-)

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