An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
G'day,mind if I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me . She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .
crosseyed: I wasn't picking on you at all. There have been a few questionable jokes posted in the recent past, I was just trying to say that limits were being pushed. I didn't delete or modify the joke. I didn't even ask you to change it.
I'd like to see this board stay super clean. It probaby makes things easier in the long run, BUT only if there is somewwhere to go with our dirty jokes. There is at least one place here. Join this fellowship: Laugh it up, M8 (Vtipy od 18ti)
Subject: Re: its still a funny joke & relatively clean
mook53lhd: I have to say you confused me somewhat, one minute it was ok and then next I had over stepped the mark. I bet you some kids today could shock me even. You cannot keep them wrapped in cotton wool. They are more aware at 10yrs and younger than I was at 17yrs.
Rose: That joke was read out on a popular radio station in the UK, at a time when children where about. I think you people need to get real and see that there is far worse being said on TV and in films and just about everywhere. I did not see any complains about the two old men joke. It is clear to me that it is more who told the joke. Moderators need to learn to be less bias because you may not like someone. And I have noticed that some moderators have double standards.
mook53lhd: Rose was merely stating the policy. The Joke Board is for the whole family and children should not be excluded from reading it. Parents should be able to allow their kids to read it without pre-screening it..that's what the Mods are for. The egg joke reprsents the absolute upper limit of what we can tolerate. And it was a close call.
Rose: maybe children shouldn't have access to all msg boards . now we all know what the egg joke was really about. gving his all on the kitchen table. its still a funny joke & relatively clean. it wasn't censored .so how do you determine a g rating.? i think its easier to make jokes for adults only .if you really want some real jokes. i have plenty of jokes without a dirty word in them. but the subject matter might not be g . i wouldn't know. so i don't tell them. i think the kids should just be able to play the games. maybe have a message board for kids .they can make friends to play with .learn about other countries. i really don't think adults should be censored in this way. i agree jokes with %^*^%$ & rediculous or ?nable material shouldn't make the board. but that egg joke made it .there have been similar. but someone will post something & get chastised for it, not meaning to offend anyone. i think this policy of watch what you say on a joke board because kids are involved needs to be looked at. a joke needs to be told or delivered properly to be effective. if we have to change things around the joke might not even be funny. i've seen some of that. just an opinion. you say the kids the kids crosseyed. but if that 3 min egg joke can pass then just about any joke without profanity should pass. its clearly obvious what is being talked about in the egg joke. young children won't understand it .but kids 10 & up might to some extent. so really i see no set policy here. i think you're out of line crosseyes. you know you can use parental control. so wheres the beef. in closing i think explicit dirty jokes or profanity should be out . but thats about all. i will gladly accept any feedback. i like the board .i've seen some good stories & jokes. since theres no delay & your post goes right up there ,i mean noone reads it & says nope can't print that 1.i think so far so good . i appreciate your concern crosseyes but think its misplaced here so far, as in my estimation the jokes are ok since i've been reading them. mook53lhd
tazman7474: Last one on list: REMEMBER: This is suppose to be a fun game site, so some off-topic post and fun can be a good thing, so be careful not to over-moderate, and try not to nit-pick every post to find something wrong with it.
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW
Obviously some don't know the weird sense of humour Glaswegians have and you can't put it past them in making such a comment. I work closely with a couple of ex Glaswegians. Bono does a lot of great work (as well as Bob Geldof just to name 2) in making the power nations of this world do something productive in assisting those countries less fortunate. I'll leave it at that as this is not the board to discuss this any further. cheers.
BananaD: 1 for funny. purely being humorous. .it couldv'e been said differently for sure . say everytime you clap "someone in the world kicks the bucket from it.or a gentler way someone in the world contracts it mook53lhd
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