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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

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13. September 2003, 10:52:57
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Tickle the funy bone!
hi there all....i am excited about this new DB! so bring on your favorite jokes and funny stories...but please try to keep it clean, this is accessable to jokesters of all ages :)

Kammy

13. September 2003, 14:32:39
Stevie 
Subject: Ill start you off then Princess
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

ceehiro

13. September 2003, 14:42:25
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Ill start you off then Princess
lol the sad thing is i understood that...(gulp)

loved it :)

13. September 2003, 16:02:33
Badinage 
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth

13. September 2003, 16:02:53
Badinage 
see kammy I managed it. A clean one LOL :oD

13. September 2003, 16:04:53
Badinage 
No Ears!


A man was in a bad accident and was injured but the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.

However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.

He realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have ears

13. September 2003, 16:05:13
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re:
LOL I love that joke....talk about the power of suggestion lol

13. September 2003, 17:05:58
unbeatableking 
Subject: BatMan
why did bat man cross his legs?
because he wanted to go to the batroom!

13. September 2003, 19:01:38
Rogue Lion 
Subject: One Wish Only
A man was walking along the beach one day when he stumbled across a lantern. He rubbed the lantern and a Genie came out. The Genie said to the man "I'm in a very bad mood and tired of granting wishes. I'm only going to allow you one wish, so what is it?" The man thought for a moment and said to the Genie "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am afraid to fly. I want you to build a bridge so that I can drive there". The Genie grew angry and said to the man "Are you insane? Do you know how much steel and concrete that would take? That's impossible, wish for something else." The man thought some more then said, "O.K., I want to understand women's feelings and emotions." The Genie quickly replied, "Would you like that highway two lanes or four lanes." sorry Ladies...

13. September 2003, 19:07:42
Badinage 
LMAO - I like that one *ducks* ha Harley and Medic missed me LOL

13. September 2003, 19:11:28
harley 
Yeah but as you stand up we double clothes-line you!! ROFL!!

LOL Rogue!! (I'm still looking for a clean joke!!)

13. September 2003, 19:12:20
sandra... 
they might of done, but i didn't! cos while you were watching them.. i got you from behind! ha ha ha...
Hope the bump on the head doesn't hurt too much!!!!! lol

13. September 2003, 19:13:33
Badinage 
Ouch! and double Ouch :(

13. September 2003, 19:16:00
runningwolf 
Subject: 3 Ducks in court
3 Ducks got arrested and appeared in court before the judge
The Judge looks at the first duck and asks him what is your name? Quack said the duck, What did you get arrested for daid the judge"" Blowing bubbles in the pond said the duck
The judge looks at the Second duck and asks What is your name?? Quack Quack said the second duck The judge asks What did you get arrested for?? Blowing bubbles in the pond said the duck
The judge looks at the Third duck ands says Let me guess Your name is Quack Quack Quack right asks the judge??
No said the Third duck My name is Bubbles

13. September 2003, 19:29:18
Badinage 
:oD ROFL

13. September 2003, 19:40:29
Linda J 
Subject: Little Leroy Wants a bike
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.His mother decided he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said,Well Leroy it isn't Christmas and we don'thave the money to just go out and buy any thing you want..So why don't you write to Jesus and ask for one instead.
After a temper tantrum,his mother sent him to his room.There, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your friend, Leroy
Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of a boy he was (brat).So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your's truly,Leroy
Well Leroy looked way down deep in his heart.He knew he had been terrible and was undeserving. He crumpled up the letter,threw it in the trash can and went outside.He aimlessly wandered and found himself in front of a Catholic Church.He finally went inside and knelt down:lookng around not really knowing what to do.
Leroy finally got up and looked at the statue in the foyer.All of a sudden he grabbed the statue running home.Leroy hid the ststue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I got your mama.If you ever want to see her again give me a bike.
Signed,You know who

13. September 2003, 20:21:30
Linda J 
Subject: Yard work
2 Cajun women were visiting when water started to flood their living room.They decided to go upstairs,still running their mouths.The water just kept rising and rising.The 2 women make their way to the roof of the house still running their mouths.The water rose until it was level with the eave of the house.One woman watched a hat floating in the water.She said to her friend,look at that hat.It floats out a little piece and comes to the eave of the house and floats out again,her friend still running her mouth.The 1st lady still watching the hat.The 2nd lady said Honey child don't worry bout that hat,that's my husband.I told him come hell or high water he was goona mow that yard...

13. September 2003, 22:18:38
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: 3 Ducks in court
LMAO i love it.....keep it up!!

13. September 2003, 22:19:54
Princess Kammy 
These are all wonderful jokes...im laughing so hard i got tears in my eyes lol....i hope to see many many more...and i will be posting some soon..

Great job everyone :)

13. September 2003, 22:25:19
danoschek 
Subject: Mermaid Sex
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see
a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball.

So he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but
I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect ?"

The man said
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's
in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore.
One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me
three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S.

The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have
all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish
was to have sex with the mermaid.

She said, 'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"

So I asked, "How about a little head ?"

13. September 2003, 22:29:12
Andersp 
Subject: Re: Mermaid Sex
ooops..clean as snow... LOL

13. September 2003, 22:35:36
Andersp 
Subject: A short...and clean...bar joke
An Irishman walked out from a bar!!

13. September 2003, 22:38:03
Rogue Lion 
Just the thought of the sexy mermaid in the pond with bubbles the duck is giving me a very bad visual.

13. September 2003, 22:49:59
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Mermaid Sex
oh dear me lol be careful what you wish for lol

13. September 2003, 22:51:44
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Mermaid Sex
lol no kidding Andersp....but still very funny lol

13. September 2003, 22:52:02
harley 
Subject: A short...and clean...bar joke
Andersp, I bet Aragon will like that one... if he ever gets out of the bar!! ROFL!

13. September 2003, 22:57:37
runningwolf 
Subject: The Brunette
What do you Call a Brunette standing between two blondes??
Interputer!!!

13. September 2003, 22:59:00
Princess Kammy 
lol hey wait a minute lol....i have been both blonde and brunette..(gulp) what does that make me lol

13. September 2003, 23:09:34
Badinage 
Subject: Re: A short...and clean...bar joke
There is NOTHING funny about closing time :(

hehe

13. September 2003, 23:13:16
Princess Kammy 
lol sure there is...watching all the people crawling out the door after getting smashed lol

13. September 2003, 23:17:35
Stevie 
the only good thing about closing time, is a lanlord who likes lock-ins :o)

13. September 2003, 23:18:32
Badinage 
For that Steve you almost be an honorary Irish man!! LOL

13. September 2003, 23:23:30
Andersp 
Darren Clarke said that he and Lee Westwood should have a fun loooooooong day together after they had won one tourney each, wonder if that day has ended yet? :)

13. September 2003, 23:25:01
Badinage 
I doub't it, the 19th is the longest hole LOL

13. September 2003, 23:31:24
runningwolf 
Subject: The Blonde
What do you call a blonde behind a steering Wheel??
Airbag !!

14. September 2003, 00:57:56
Paula33 
Subject: From Larry Glick of WBZ News, Boston, Massachusetts
"Well the streakers are at it again, this time at a local football game just outside of Boston. I can't figure out this type of behaviour- I guess they just want to show us they're nuts."

14. September 2003, 01:01:35
Paula33 
Subject: From Manchester Evening News
He pushed what looked like the barrel of a gun into my chest and told me he was going to blow my brains out.

14. September 2003, 01:06:45
Paula33 
Subject: From County louth (Eire) newspaper
The court was told that soon after the party came into Maloney's Bar, Milligan spat at O'Flaherty and called him "a stinkingUlsterman".
O'Flaherty punched Milligan, and Rourke hit him with a bottle.
Milligan kicked O'Flaherty in the groin and threw a pint of beer in Rourkes face. This led to ill feeling and they began to fight.

14. September 2003, 01:28:54
Paula33 
Subject: From Enterprise Times, brockton, Massachusetts
"One of Colorado's oldest citizens and a resident of Walsenburg for about a century died here yesterday. mrs Quintina was 104 years old at the time of her death, her grandmother said."

14. September 2003, 01:31:57
Badinage 
I was there O'Flaherty was set-up!

14. September 2003, 01:38:28
Princess Kammy 
lol Aragon prolly cuz you set him up eh?

14. September 2003, 01:40:22
Badinage 
hehe who me? :)

14. September 2003, 01:41:29
Princess Kammy 
lol need i say more?

14. September 2003, 01:42:57
danoschek 
Subject: Why Nagging a Man Doesn’t Work
What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

14. September 2003, 01:44:25
Paula33 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him

14. September 2003, 01:45:51
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Why Nagging a Man Doesn’t Work
LOL

14. September 2003, 01:49:25
Grim Reaper 
Subject: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
A father was reviewing his son's report card one evening, and was distraught. His boy had all A's except for math, which he failed. He met with his teacher, then the principal, then after more follow up meetings, he decided to put the boy in a private school. Months passed, his report card arrived, and the same results appeared: All A's, but a failure in Math. The private school cost so much money, the father took him out of this school, and sent him to a very good school uptown. Again, the boy failed math, but had A's in everything else. Finally, he sent the boy off to a local Catholic School. When the first report card arrived, the father looked at it with just one eye open, holding his breath. Then he saw his son had all A's, including math! He said to his son: "Tell me, how were you able to do so well in math in this new school?" The boy turned white as a ghost when his father asked him the question. "Well, on the very first day of school, I walked into the hall and saw this guy nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they did not mess around!"

14. September 2003, 01:53:06
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
lol poor johnny

14. September 2003, 01:54:43
Badinage 
LMAO

14. September 2003, 01:56:17
Purple 
Subject: Re: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
LOL. Outstanding

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