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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



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20. November 2006, 14:15:54
Haridaspal 
Subject: Some Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter!)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My business luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

17. November 2006, 22:33:12
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Hahaha
Sarah1980:

17. November 2006, 22:31:35
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Lol
yoyudax: I liked that one.

17. November 2006, 20:12:20
yoyudax 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.


The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an Email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her Email address and without realizing his error, sent the Email.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her Email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send Emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


 P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


16. November 2006, 12:41:56
juls31 
Subject: Re: The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
Kiwiyeti: well done all i have to do now is remember them to repeat at work lol

16. November 2006, 12:31:09
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
Kiwiyeti: Some were simply great! Thanks!

16. November 2006, 11:23:34
Kiwiyeti 
Subject: The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night.

16. November 2006, 11:20:52
Kiwiyeti 
Subject: Help Desk
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ----------- stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

14. November 2006, 22:14:44
Summertop 
Subject: True...but still funny!
Any bird hunters out there? Or do you know someone who does hunt? Check this out:
SeasonShot.com

14. November 2006, 21:41:26
gamizone 
Subject: whew
finally a joke or two. I was dozing.......

14. November 2006, 14:14:54
Sarah 

Taxicab Confessions...



A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"



The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."



Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.



He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."



"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"



"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.



"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


14. November 2006, 07:25:55
Haridaspal 
Subject: Excerpts from an Interview
X = Interviewer; Y = Interviewee (is there such a word?)

X: When is your birthday?
Y: 6th July.
X: Which year?
Y: What do you mean, which year? Every year, of course!

X: Where were you born?
Y: India.
X: Which part?
Y: Which part? Whole body was born together!

X: What is the best car in India?
Y: Can you give me a hint?
X: Yes, it starts with 'T'.
Y: Fantastic! Starts with tea! All cars I know start with petrol.

13. November 2006, 22:23:11
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Jokes
JackS: Personaly, I was hoping it would just fade away on it's own!

13. November 2006, 22:07:17
JackS 
Subject: Jokes
Seems this is turning into a chat room. Can't the mods bleep the jabber?

13. November 2006, 21:46:08
rod03801 
Subject: Grammar & complete sentences?
There is no requirement of typing in complete sentences, or using correct grammar to post on Brainking's public boards.

The solution is not to tell someone not to post, but to simply block that person's posts from yourself.

I can't think of any appropriate jokes at this moment.. lol..

13. November 2006, 04:27:34
ArnieTxx 
Subject: Schoolboy
Schoolboy's reason for truancy: bored of education.

13. November 2006, 04:24:08
Thad 
Subject: Re: your offer & heads up
My two cents:

I, too, would like to see mook53lhd either write in complete sentences or stop posting.

I agree that somehow we simple users should have been able to tell that Rose's post was from a glob and not just from some random angry poster. I would suggest to Fencer that perhaps the backgrounds of their posts be changed to a different color, or perhaps the color of their text, something, anything, but everytime I suggest something to him, he brushes me off.

Short of that, Rose, perhaps you could add a sentence announcing that you are a glob just so we know in any future posts that are like your recent ones. Just a suggestion, of course.

NOW SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME A JOKE!! ;-)

12. November 2006, 21:32:34
pgt 
Subject: Re: your offer & heads up
mook53lhd: I know this is not funny, but really, if you feel it important to contribute to discussion boards, at least try to take the time to construct real English sentences. They normally begin with an upper case letter, and if you use two spaces between sentences, then they become even more readable. Posts by people who do not take the time and trouble to make them clear and lucid are really not worth reading. Please don't actually post any jokes unless you can present them clearly.

12. November 2006, 20:39:51
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: your offer & heads up
King Reza: i have to join to see & tell some adult jokes. well king as long as you don't ask for my cr card # ok .i'd like to see the difference. i wasn't objecting to a clean board & have never been an offender .it was her tone i found objectionable.like . actung yavohl frau rose. anyway thanks for the heads up . i never saw her name & there was no title on her post saying who she was . we'll talk again if you wish . mook53lhd

12. November 2006, 17:59:46
Purple 
Subject: Re: PLEASE READ
mook53lhd: Rose is a Global Moderator and as such she has a responsibility to step in when the regular board mods are not on and remove posts which are outside the guidelines. I have agreed with her decisions.

12. November 2006, 17:56:44
King Reza 
Children_Un_Friendly Jokes

Send me a request if you want to join.

12. November 2006, 17:50:42
Rose 
Subject: Re: PLEASE READ
mook53lhd: Unfortunately due to your lack of punctuation I understand about half of your long message but I get the gist of it. There are rules here at brainking for a reason. Doesn't mean every one had to like them. If you would refer to the guide lines of the site you will see NO one died.
It is plain and simple:
There will be no swearing or sexual inuendos tolerated on this joke board.
It isn't just for children. Many adults don't think it is necessary to read that on a PUBLIC board. It cant be that hard to keep a joke clean with out using profanity or a sexual jab is it?
And sorry to say you are wrong that NO one cares. Plenty of people care what is written here, not everyone is willing to speak out publicly on the board about it.
I suggest if you really have a hard time posting FAMILY oriented joke then don't post. Most of the people I sent notes to who has posted jokes not appropriate for this board completely understood why it was edited or removed.

12. November 2006, 17:43:19
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: PLEASE READ
Rose: who died & gave you the job of censor. i understand your sentiments. i agree there are jokes inappropiate for children. but then again puratinism is more uncomely & your don'ts really DON'T GET IT in this country. i suggest if you're so concerned you make this site unaccessable to your kids ,unless you are there to scan the board 1st & delete what you will. i don't see any children er well .what i mean to say is i don't see any jokes here told by children .do what you feel you must to protect your offsprings if you feel this harmless innocuous board is a threat to their upbringing. but how dare you dictate to anyone else. i really haven't seen any vile,disgusting ,or totally inappropiate jokes since i've been reading them. no forbidden fruit here rose.i'm not writing this to insult you or demean your parental perogatives . but since noone else seems to care or have the elan to reply i have.i obey the admin rules. but an admin would never phrase a msg as you have .+ who is this we that you refer to. you yourself & you.you say there are joke boards for fellas where adult humor is tolerated . how ,or where are they & how are they reached. i read much more than i write & would like to see a joke told as it should be told. the delivery is every bit as important as the punchline .watered down jokes are usually ineffective & don't convey the story properly. i respect your looking out for your children. just didn't care for your attempted strongarm tactics mook53lhd

12. November 2006, 03:31:04
Chimera 
Subject: Re:
xmas is soon:

12. November 2006, 03:27:49
Adaptable Ali 
A jockey and his horse are in the starting blocks at Flemmington pumped up on nervous energy, ready to run the big one, then, the starter sounds and they're off!

As the jockey takes a small lead he's hit in the shoulder with some fruit mince pies, then some chocolates, next came some crackers and then some antipasto mix, finally, just as he was nearing the finish line, a bottle of bubbly hits him in the head and he's pipped at the post.

After he comes to and realises what has happened he storms off to speak with the steward...

"Sir" he says, "Sir. I must protest! I have been severely HAMPERED!"

8. November 2006, 14:39:32
Rose 
Subject: PLEASE READ
ALL jokes must be PG. That means OK for young kids to read. We don't care if you swear in front of your kids and you think it is acceptable. It isn't here.
Do not use any profanity what so ever in your jokes. DONT hide bad words with a letter or two then ****. If you cant delete the swear for an acceptable clean word then please DONT bother to post here as it will be deleted.
No one is saying DONT post jokes. We just want every one to get that we are looking for clean family jokes with NO profanity or sexual references at all. Not that hard to follow really.
There are private fellowships for jokes that you must tell that are not acceptable here.

Thank you!

8. November 2006, 11:54:30
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re: negative people
skipinnz:

8. November 2006, 03:44:55
skipinnz 
Subject: negative people
Modified by skipinnz (8. November 2006, 14:35:11)
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome So, how are you getting
there?"



We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"



"We'll be at this exclusive little place e over on Rome 's Tiber
River called Teste."



"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced.



So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"



"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome



"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.



And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.



Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really! What'd he say?"



He said, "Where'd you get the bad haircut?

7. November 2006, 21:41:42
Kiwiyeti 
Subject: Re: MASTERCARD
Haridaspal:

7. November 2006, 14:34:41
King Reza 
Subject: Re: MASTERCARD
Haridaspal:

7. November 2006, 14:30:28
Haridaspal 
Subject: MASTERCARD
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MASTERCARD!

7. November 2006, 02:15:22
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re: Bottle of wine
Thad: eh a real laUgher mATE. MOOK

6. November 2006, 22:14:35
skipinnz 
Subject: Re: Bottle of wine
Thad:lol

6. November 2006, 21:42:15
Thad 
Subject: Re: Bottle of wine
skipinnz: For some reason, that one remind me of this one:

Indian Chief and the Aussie


An Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton. When he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-me Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-me Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in. When he waited for his cab, he decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'ello mate.") On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-me Not, still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?", said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up.

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

6. November 2006, 21:22:28
skipinnz 
Subject: Bottle of wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade....."

6. November 2006, 20:38:39
Fiona 
Subject: blonde on a plane
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?

6. November 2006, 08:55:05
BadBoy7 
Subject: joke
If A Blonde & A Brunnette jumped off the empire state building at the same time...WHO Would Hit The Ground First??????


<answer> The Brunnette.... why???...because The Blond Would Have to Stop off And ASK DIRECTIONS...hehehehehehhe

4. November 2006, 17:55:18
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980: is that a sequel to the mice ran up the clock joke. anyway the pic is very good [.a very dry &wry wit] (say that 5* fast mook53lhd

3. November 2006, 09:52:37
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Birthday cake.
Sarah1980: Thank you.

3. November 2006, 00:19:53
Sarah 
Subject: Re: Birthday cake.
crosseyed: sure you can

2. November 2006, 22:23:58
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Birthday cake.
Sarah1980: OMG I hope Mouse does not see that lol. On the other hand can borrow the link? LMAO.

2. November 2006, 22:21:17
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Funny yet silly.
Sarah1980:

2. November 2006, 15:24:44
Sarah 

2. November 2006, 15:21:54
Sarah 

Sit Ubu, Sit! Good Dog...




One day in a busy butcher's store, a dog walks in. The butcher not having time to deal with the health hazard himself shouts at the dog to, "SCRAM!" The dog promptly lowers his head and leaves the shop.



Later in the day the dog re-enters the shop and drops a piece of paper on the floor. The butcher sees this and picks up the note and reads it. "Can I please have 1lb of bacon and 12 sausages", the dog promptly drops a $20 bill on the floor. The butcher quite amazed at this performance prepares the order, takes the money and gives the dog his change back. He places the bag with the sale inside into the dogs mouth and watches him trot out of the shop. Seeing that it was now about 4:30pm, the butcher decides to close the shop and follow the dog.



He follows the dog 30 yards down the road where the dog gets up on his hind paws and activates the pedestrian crossing lights with his nose. "Wow" thinks the butcher who then follows the dog to the bus-stop, where the dogs waits patiently for the bus.



After several buses have passed the dog jumps up and hails down the next double-decker, he boards the bus and requests his destination and takes his seat at the front of the bus. The butcher can't quite believe what he is seeing. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs on the other side. The dog rings the bell and alights his transport home. The butcher then follows him for another 100 yards or so. The dog approaches a house and lays down his bag of meat on the front porch. He then backs up the front path and runs and throws himself at the front door.



'WHACK!'. The dog collides with the front door.



No answer, so he repeats this again, all whilst the butcher is watching from the other side of the road.



WHACK!! again no answer.



This time the dog jumps up onto the wall and walks round the side of the house where he taps on one of the windows with the side of his head and walks back round to the door. This time the door opens. The owner of the dog then enters into rage screaming and shouting at the dog. The butcher, feeling that this very special dog was being abused, decided to get involved and approached the owner:



"How can you have a go at your dog after what he has done? He is an absolute genius!," to which the owner replied:



Genius you say? Well it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!


1. November 2006, 12:03:53
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
skipinnz: Fantastic!

1. November 2006, 04:12:46
Mousetrap 
Subject: Re: Minor injuries
Sarah1980: Crumbs glad it was,nt me lol!

1. November 2006, 00:13:12
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Tee hee.
Sarah1980:

1. November 2006, 00:12:41
Crosseyed Mary 
Subject: Re: Hee hee.
skipinnz:

1. November 2006, 00:07:52
Sarah 
Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

31. October 2006, 23:49:38
skipinnz 
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a
small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi



G'day,mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

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