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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

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2. November 2019, 12:19:18
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Canaries
pgt:

Indeed! :D

16. September 2016, 13:30:31
Haridaspal 
Subject: The Genie
A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"And then?"

"He should never sleep without me by his side."

"And then ..?"

"When he wakes up in the morning he should see my face first."

"And then ..?"

"He should not go anywhere without me."

"And then ..?"

"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

"And then ..?"

"That's it."

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

22. December 2014, 12:55:09
Haridaspal 
Subject: Banta Singh at it again!
Ambani (India's richest man): Even if I drive from morning till night in my car, I can't cover half my property.

Banta Singh: I had a car like that, too. I sold it on ebay.

14. October 2014, 15:17:56
Haridaspal 
Subject: A Texan in Australia.....
(From a friend in Melbourne, Australia)

A Texan in Australia.....

A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walked around the ranch and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan commented, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"

21. September 2014, 11:11:59
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
dams: :D

18. May 2014, 14:01:01
Haridaspal 
Subject: Following Instructions
Secretary: Sir, Banta is standing outside your cabin with a bunch of underwear in a basket!!!

Boss: Good grief! Why?

Secretary: I don't know, Sir. Shall I ask him?

Boss: Yes. .... No! .... Wait! ... A while ago I had indeed asked him to debrief his team and meet me in 15 minutes.

21. February 2014, 18:12:12
Haridaspal 
Subject: WATER IN THE DISTRIBUTOR
WIFE: There is trouble with the car. It has water in the distributor.

HUSBAND: Water in the distributor? That's ridiculous.

WIFE: I tell you the car has water in the distributor.

HUSBAND: Do you even know what a distributor is? I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: In the pool.

18. February 2014, 12:39:16
Haridaspal 
Subject: OBEDIENCE
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

17. February 2014, 19:38:30
Haridaspal 
Subject: COPY PASTE
An inspirational speaker once said:

“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.”

The audience was in shock until he added: “She was my mother.”

A big round of applause and laughter followed!
.
.
.
A daring husband tried this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife:

“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.”

He then paused to recall the second line of the speaker.

By the time he gained consciousness, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from a broken temple!

MORAL: DON'T COPY IF YOU CAN'T PASTE!!!

13. February 2014, 18:22:50
Haridaspal 
Subject: THE PROPOSITION
A man was surprised to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.

"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"O Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"

13. February 2014, 14:14:17
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: PHONE BILL
dams: :D

18. January 2014, 17:01:30
Haridaspal 
Subject: THE FARMHAND
A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the farmhand if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours.

Finally the preacher finished and asked the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon.

"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

18. January 2014, 10:29:16
Haridaspal 
Subject: PHONE BILL
Mr Sen found their phone bill at home was exceptionally high. He called a family meeting to discuss...

Mr Sen: "This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone".

Wife: "Me too. I hardly use home phone."

Son: I use my office mobile; I never use the home phone.

All of them looked at the Sangeeta, the maid, who was patiently listening to them.

Sangeeta: "What? So we all use our work phones. What’s the Big deal?”

25. April 2007, 07:14:37
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: 3 wishes
Fiona: Didn't the husband have a heart attack that was 10 times milder?

24. April 2007, 06:10:03
Haridaspal 
Subject: The Bike Doctor
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."

28. March 2007, 14:02:37
Haridaspal 
Subject: Holding Hands
Q) Why do couples hold hands during the wedding ceremony?

A) It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands before the fight.

22. March 2007, 07:15:07
Haridaspal 
Subject: The Hunters
Two hunters from Dickson City, Pennsylvania hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two gentlemen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the
same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stash asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

30. November 2006, 08:04:29
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: Superb!

20. November 2006, 14:15:54
Haridaspal 
Subject: Some Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter!)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My business luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

16. November 2006, 12:31:09
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
Kiwiyeti: Some were simply great! Thanks!

14. November 2006, 07:25:55
Haridaspal 
Subject: Excerpts from an Interview
X = Interviewer; Y = Interviewee (is there such a word?)

X: When is your birthday?
Y: 6th July.
X: Which year?
Y: What do you mean, which year? Every year, of course!

X: Where were you born?
Y: India.
X: Which part?
Y: Which part? Whole body was born together!

X: What is the best car in India?
Y: Can you give me a hint?
X: Yes, it starts with 'T'.
Y: Fantastic! Starts with tea! All cars I know start with petrol.

7. November 2006, 14:30:28
Haridaspal 
Subject: MASTERCARD
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MASTERCARD!

1. November 2006, 12:03:53
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
skipinnz: Fantastic!

20. September 2006, 07:45:20
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
King Reza: Great! Please translate some more!

28. July 2006, 15:31:24
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980: Brilliant!

28. July 2006, 15:29:57
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Looking for some insight.
Gentlegiant101: I read somewhere: "My memory being what it is, the past is not what it was." So, no worries, even if you forget what to forget!

28. July 2006, 15:28:01
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Some Sayings of Maharishi Fattibumbum
Gentlegiant101: Yes, good question, but that's the time I have the mobile recharged, and the bathroom plug-point is choked with smoke.

27. July 2006, 07:02:10
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Want to try your hand at acting?
Gentlegiant101: Well, well, you may be gentle but you're something else, too - just the person of my heart!!!

24. July 2006, 14:12:53
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
WatfordFC: Great story, thanks, but I just noticed your name - that's great, too! Best of luck for the Premier League!!!

24. July 2006, 12:39:22
Haridaspal 
Subject: Old Men and Habits
This was my grandfather's favourite tale on old people with set habits:

Two old men were sitting on a park bench (a la Aqualung?) one morning. One said to the other, "You know, habits are so difficult to break at our age. For instance, it's become my habit to go home after the morning walk and have a cold beer, whether there's some at home or not."

The second man was most intrigued; "How can you have a beer if there's none at home?"

Said the first old man forlornly, "That's what I was talking about - (sigh) habit!'

22. July 2006, 08:36:58
Haridaspal 
Subject: Some Sayings of Maharishi Fattibumbum
From here and there:

1. Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2. The road to success is always under construction.

3. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think of it,
neither does milk.

4. In order to get a loan, you are first required to prove that you
don't need it.

5. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or
fattening.

6. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter
before you hear them speak.

7. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever
tried.

8. Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most
inaccessible corner.

9. 42.73% of all statistics is made on the spot.

10. As soon as you mention something ... if it is good, it is
taken ... If it is bad, it happens.

11. The golden rule - He who has the gold, makes the rules.

12. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is
still late.

13. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being
sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

14. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the
person in front of you will always have the most complex of
transactions.

15. If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

16. All buses are crowded... all buses in the opposite direction
always go empty.

17. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the
bathroom.

18. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

19. The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the
errors until another person is fired or quits.

20. Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the
cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

13. July 2006, 14:43:24
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Searching for a poem
hexkid: That was great, but it's a particular poem I'm looking for.

13. July 2006, 08:55:29
Haridaspal 
Subject: Searching for a poem
Many years ago I read a poem in which the (anonymous) poet hankered for the "Good Old Days" when 'gay' meant happy or joyful and 'grass' was something cows ate and 'pot' was what you used to cook with and so on. Have anyone read that poem? I would like to read it again, but I can't find it!

12. July 2006, 07:03:29
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: enjoy!!
yoyudax:
Aaah! That was fantastic! Made my day!!! Thanks a lot.

Should I recite it to my wife when I go home this evening? Please advise.

16. June 2006, 14:12:45
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re:
Sarah1980:

Absolutely brilliant!

15. May 2006, 08:51:41
Haridaspal 
Subject: Re: Bad Jokes
rednaz23:
If you don't find such a board, please send me personal messages - I've such a kinky mind that no joke's too 'bad' for me!!!

4. May 2006, 15:21:36
Haridaspal 
Subject: Voted Best Joke In Austraila in 2005
(This one is a little risque, but wonderful, nevertheless: this was apparently voted "Best Joke In Austraila in 2005".)

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

Charlie says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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