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21. January 2007, 14:56:26

Adaptable Ali

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Subject: Courtesy of my Dad lol

Modified by Adaptable Ali (21. January 2007, 14:56:56)

Some confidence inspiring wit from down
under...

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the
actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a
P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only
major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside
main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset
to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is
missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P:
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming
from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget