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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



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16. August 2007, 23:50:19
Eriisa 
Subject: Re: Teethbrush
Summertop: ROFL!!!!

16. August 2007, 23:02:54
Summertop 
Subject: Re:
PrincessKammy72: Redneck jokes?

From foxworthy...
If you refer to the fifth grade as "Your Senior Year"...you might be a redneck
If you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth...you might be a redneck
If you call your boss, "Dude"...
If your family tree does not fork...

Unknown Author...
If your T.V. that works sits ON TOP OF your T.V. that doesn't work...you might be a redneck.

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a Teethbrush.

14. August 2007, 15:07:11
Purple 
Subject: Re:
PrincessKammy72: It is great to have you back and I know you will not go poof unless you have to.

14. August 2007, 07:38:02
Adaptable Ali 

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to
Heaven.

Upon
his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry
Forrest' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly
souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to
ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's Cool' said Forrest. 'What does the Entrance
Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked Forrest.
'The
first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter
'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a
year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those
questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for
me.'

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions
some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The
following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered
the questions, to which Forrest replied, 'I have.

'Well then,'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the
week start with the letter T?'
 
Forrest said, 'Today and
Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and
decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the
question.

'Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the
second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a
year?'

Forrest replied, 'Just 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at
that figure Forrest?'
 
'Easy' said Forest, 'there's the
second of January, the second of February right through to the second of
December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St
Peter looked at Forrest and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer
before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest.
'I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now
Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing
Matilda?'

Forrest replied: 'Of the three questions, I found
this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the
answer, Forrest?'

'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy' said Forrest
This
totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the
answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to
Forrest, asked 'Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT
answer?'

'Easy' said Forrest 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy
waited till his Billy boiled.'

And
Forrest entered Heaven...



26. July 2007, 23:52:04
PrincessKammy72 
hello all..glad to be back in action. hope ev1 is doing great these days. and i am going to do all i can not to go poof again lol. so...anyone have any good redneck jokes these days hehehe

24. July 2007, 04:28:52
Papa Zoom 
Subject: Re: DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Jim Dandy

24. July 2007, 04:26:31
The Col 
Subject: Re: DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Stardust: Earl has a point

16. July 2007, 20:27:41
Stardust 
Subject: DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

15. July 2007, 12:06:17
Adaptable Ali 
A man has both ears ripped off in a rugby match and is rushed to the
Doctor.

The doctor says ' Well, your ear holes are OK so all we need to
do now is find you some donor ears'

A couple of days goes by and the doc
rings up the man and says'Good news.....I've found you some ears.'

The
man says 'what sort of ears are they?'

'Well' says the Doc,' One is from
a dog and the other is a pig's ear. But don't worry, you've got long hair so no
one will see them.'

So the Doctor stitches them on and asks the man how
they are, to which he replies...

'Well this dog's ear is amazing! I can
hear a whisper from ten miles away!'

The Doctor says 'what about the pig's
ear?'

and the man says...

'Ah, well...I'm getting a lot of crackling in
that one!'

11. July 2007, 11:06:44
Adaptable Ali 
Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it. 

11. July 2007, 06:20:33
pgt 
Subject: Re: How about a math joke
Thad: I can't get through - the number is always busy!

11. July 2007, 06:09:01
Thad 
Subject: How about a math joke
Need help with your math homework? Just call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

11. July 2007, 05:58:08
Thad 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
coan.net: Yeah, but if I had mentioned that too I probable would have been considered a jerk and I decided I'd rather not mention it then be a jerk.

11. July 2007, 05:50:57
coan.net 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Thad: Same as when wrote "ATM machine" down below.

ATM = Automatic Teller Machine

So saying "ATM Machine" is like saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine

11. July 2007, 05:32:35
Thad 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
> pin number

Calling it a PIN number is being redundantly redundant.

11. July 2007, 04:25:06
Skyking 
Subject: ICON WARS

11. July 2007, 04:16:59
Skyking 
Subject: GLOBLIZATION
Finally, a definition of globalization









Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

11. July 2007, 04:07:04
Eriisa 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Modified by Eriisa (11. July 2007, 04:08:04)
rod03801:



something funny


(as requested)

11. July 2007, 03:24:44
rod03801 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
PLUS the reason the drive up ATM would have braille on the keys is that it is more cost efficient to only make one set of keys. NOT braille keys and non-braille keys.

LOL.. we have really ripped this joke to pieces!

Someone post something funny!


11. July 2007, 02:39:05
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
redfrog: Not many things are more sacred than your pin number

11. July 2007, 02:22:10
redfrog 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Stardust: so why would the driver with no visual impairment force their not so blessed back seat passenger to use the braille system instead of being a good sport and doing the deed themselves?

11. July 2007, 02:18:07
Skyking 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Please..Please Play nice LOL

10. July 2007, 22:53:32
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Stardust: Ooh, Leave it to me to not even think of the backseat!

10. July 2007, 18:19:06
Stardust 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Walter Montego: Acutally a person from the back seat can also use the atm. And a person doesn't have to be completely blind to make use of the braille system.

10. July 2007, 04:42:26
tazman7474 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Walter Montego:

Actually, if you were to have a blind person as a passenger and went through the atm backwards, they could use the machine, what I always wondered was how do they know what the screen says? lol

10. July 2007, 03:58:37
Walter Montego 
Subject: Re: Why Why Why?
Skyking:
Something I've always wondered about is:

Why does a drive up ATM machine have Braille dots on the driver's side?

10. July 2007, 03:37:31
Skyking 
Subject: Why Why Why?
Why, Why,
Why

do
we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose
idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?

Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?

How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And
my FAVORITE......
The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

10. July 2007, 00:24:04
pgt 
I've got a really good joke, but I'll post it next week.

9. July 2007, 15:56:24
Backoff 
Modified by Backoff (9. July 2007, 15:57:16)
Procrastinators Unite!!!!!!

tomorrow....

9. July 2007, 07:50:14
rabbitoid 
I know I have to look up this word in a dictionary. As soon as I will, I'll reply to the post.

9. July 2007, 03:30:47
redfrog 
Subject: Re: Top ten ways to procrastinate
Walter Montego: i cant even imagine how many people have intentions to reply to this topic.... i tried yesterday....

7. July 2007, 20:17:49
Walter Montego 
Subject: Re: Top ten ways to procrastinate
Thad: I was going to join the Procrastinator's Club, but I never got around to it. Apparently this qualifies me for membership. I might get in yet. Maybe tomorrow.

7. July 2007, 14:33:15
Eriisa 
Subject: Re: Top ten ways to procrastinate
Thad: LOLOL!!!!!

7. July 2007, 07:50:36
Thad 
Subject: Top ten ways to procrastinate
Top ten ways to procrastinate:

1.

4. July 2007, 01:45:50
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: This isnt a joke as such, it is an actual true letter........i hope it makes you smile either way lol
Rt Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007


Dear Secretary of State,


My
friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.


In your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which
is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.


I would
prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not
rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?


As
I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very
satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.  That is -
until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I
get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100?


I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about
£240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing
pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000
pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
million from your department.


Incidentally, I wonder if I
would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs
not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These
pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I
understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't  rear?


I am also considering the "not milking cows"
business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please
could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields?
Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I
seem to have several thousand hectares)?


In view of the
above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will
therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill.
 
 

 

3. July 2007, 08:28:25
The Col 
Modified by The Col (6. July 2007, 02:26:05)
A mother was preparing pancakes for her son Kevin, and his younger brother Ryan. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake (because they're boys), and the mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She taught them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin's eyes got really big, then he turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" get it? he wants his brother to be Jesus knowing full well he would be offered the first pancake!

2. July 2007, 21:16:21
mook53lhd 
Subject: Re:
Oceans Apart: good play on words. you don't see that as much . it was a staple of comedy for a long time. mook

30. June 2007, 18:58:38
The Col 
Modified by The Col (1. July 2007, 07:22:31)
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

30. June 2007, 15:32:43
Adaptable Ali 
For the Froggie speakers amongst you..................


A thief, in Paris , planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and  made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
 
He replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

 

29. June 2007, 15:53:04
juls31 
Subject: Re:
Oceans Apart: very good

29. June 2007, 13:56:52
Adaptable Ali 
Council Tax Revaluation

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
future wife but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
 nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........





Who'd live near Windsor Castle ?  
 

25. June 2007, 13:30:03
Adaptable Ali 
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available George
said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
shot
them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

11. June 2007, 23:17:45
The Col 
Son asks father difference between ‘confidence’ and ‘confidential’.
Dad says: You are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential.

8. June 2007, 21:23:01
Maxxina 
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank

7. June 2007, 05:25:15
The Col 
Subject: Re: They just announced the new super at my apt is named Micheal McDonald
Thad: Thanks for the link.i was thinking along the lines of ex-doobie brother jokes

7. June 2007, 03:50:40
Thad 
Subject: Re: They just announced the new super at my apt is named Micheal McDonald
Jim Dandy: http://www.guzer.com/videos/elevator_toilet.php

Google 'elevator jokes' for tons more.

7. June 2007, 02:47:29
The Col 
Subject: They just announced the new super at my apt is named Micheal McDonald
Modified by The Col (7. June 2007, 02:51:35)
I need some elevator jokes

5. June 2007, 03:37:48
Stardust 
Subject: Hospital bill
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

27. May 2007, 08:43:28
ScrambledEggs 
Subject: Re:
Oceans Apart:
that joke reminds me of the late great Ronnie Barker telling it in that excellent series Porridge

26. May 2007, 17:37:35
Dark Vamp 
Subject: Re:
Oceans Apart:

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