One night in the middle of a darkened forest, a hunter tried to confront a huge mean bear. In his fear, all of his attempts to shoot the bear proved unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He looked dismayed...his hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in on him quickly, the hunter flopped down on his knees, opened his arms and proclaimed "Dear God Almighty! Please give this bear some Religion!"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few yards short of the hunter, the bear came to a sudden stop and glanced around, looking somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive..."
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY $HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again!!!
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Subject: Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens:
** A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. ** No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. ** A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. ** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. ** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. ** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. ** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ** A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. ** Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. ** Housework done properly can kill you. ** Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. ** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
Subject: Irishman Wonders Why He Lost the Job to an American
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager..
Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (This is great) **********
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
Vikings: Hillary Clinton: It takes more than words to get chickens across the road. It takes experience with chickens. I am proud to say I have an extensive backround in working with a vide variety of fowl (or is that foul) species.
redfrog: Ralph Nader: It's obvious that the issue of safety needs to be addressed here, I will commission a study by osha as to the best way to create crosswalks on every road in America, cost is irrelevant because the last thing we need is chickens getting hit and dismembered in the road especially in the hot sun where we will end up with fried chicken legs
redfrog:Barock Obama: This just clearly shows that the chickens in America are ready for a new direction,and demand a change, and when I am elected I will change the direction of that road or the shape of the chicken or, er....er....well I will change something
redfrog: 9.99/10 :-) UNIVERSITY TUTOR: I don't know. This is not my area of expertise, BUT I don't think any questions about chickens and roads will show up in the exam. If you really want to know the answer then go away and Google it yourself.
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE : I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
COAN.NET : I think we need a slimmed down version of the chicken. I’d like a plain chicken that doesn’t chat and that has a move button right below its tail so I don’t have to scroll down to look for it.
ANDERSP : I paid for that chicken! Why is the chicken moving so slow? Why isn’t there an autopass for the chicken? How come the other chickens aren’t this slow? Is it a rattlebrained chicken troll?
CZUCH : It’s ironic that the chicken has to cross the road when the connection should be just as fast on this side. Why do some chickens get to cross normally while others “have a bad day” and can’t cross at all? I tried to blog about my chicken but I couldn’t log into the secret site. At least no new chickens are able to read about my chickens speed issues.
AD : Does the chicken have me on block? Why can’t all the chickens leave me alone?
PROUD2BAMERICAN : Something serious has happened to my chicken and I don’t know what to do. Don’t cross your chickens on my road and I won’t cross mine on yours.
FENCER : There is nothing wrong with the chicken. It has been crossing the road with no problem on this side. Ergo – the problem must be on the other side.
SCARLETROSE : Come on chickens! Cross on over to the other side and bring your towel! I'm calling out to all the hardworking single hens and bring your little peeps too!
BERNICE : “Certain chickens” crossed because they were told to go elsewhere – ROLF
wyoming > >>>> > >>>> 60 above zero: Arizonians turn on the heat. People > >>>> in Wyoming plant gardens. > >>>> > >>>> 50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. > >>>> People in Casper sunbathe. > >>>> > >>>> 40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. > >>>> People in Wyoming > >>>> drive with the windows down. > >>>> > >>>> 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in > >>>> Jackson Hole gets thicker. > >>>> > >>>> 20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal > >>>> underwear, gloves, wool > >>>> hats. People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt. > >>>> > >>>> 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up > >>>> the heat. People in > >>>> Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold. > >>>> > >>>> Zero: People in Miami all die. People in Wyoming > >>>> close the windows. > >>>> > >>>> 10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico > >>>> People in Wyoming get > >>>> out their winter coats. > >>>> > >>>> 25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl > >>>> Scouts in Wyoming are > >>>> selling cookies door to door. > >>>> > >>>> 40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. > >>>> People in Wyoming > >>>> let the dogs sleep indoors. > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> 100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. > >>>> Wyoming drivers > >>>> get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van. > >>>> > >>>> 460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute > >>>> zero on the Kelvin > >>>> scale.) People in Wyoming start saying..."Cold 'nuff > >>>> fer y a?" > >>>> > >>>> 500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Wyoming public > >>>> schools will open 2 > >>>> hours late. > >>>> > >>>
Mousetrap: Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. "The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine!"