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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



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All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

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28. June 2010, 08:20:30
puupia 

18. March 2010, 03:23:34
Sarah 
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

18. March 2010, 00:59:38
Gouwe gozer 
Subject: Re:
Sarah: That's a joke I can understand, I didn't get the clue in those chickens probably is my English to bad and Markgm your last message something for the poetry-board?

18. March 2010, 00:54:56
Bwild 
Subject: Re:
Sarah:

17. March 2010, 21:42:25
Sarah 
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT  BILLY WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WELL, IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."


17. March 2010, 18:43:36
Markgm 
You wrote, "Why do we call each other scaredy cat or chicken when cowardly or maybe making a wise choice?"

Well, maybe because we're too afraid to cross the road. And maybe we are afraid of chickens, because they are not afraid to cross the road. We even wonder if they know if there is a road, but we stand humiliated next to them when they do cross the road.

From Roberta Frosty:

I once stood on a path in a wood
where chickens went left
and man once stood.
But I went left that day,
and I was not a chicken,
and then there was all of the
difference that made.

Cheers -

17. March 2010, 14:37:01
Markgm 
Subject: Re: Why did the chicken cross the road?
You know, I forgot to ask if the chicken propels itself.
I would think if would have to be live, and whole enough to propel itself to consider the question any further.

17. March 2010, 12:42:41
Purple 
Subject: Re: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Markgm:Obviously the chicken was running from Colonel Sanders. Wise choice.

17. March 2010, 05:52:48
Markgm 
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
I think that when asked, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", that we must first ask if it is a whole, live chicken, or just a piece of chicken. Secondly, and where it is a whole, live chicken, I think that we should ask, seriously, if it is a sentient being, capable even of knowing that there is a road. And thirdly, I think we should face the profound dilemma that we may then find ourselves in; that we are not chickens.

17. March 2010, 05:25:30
Markgm 
Subject: Life
If I knew then what I know now, I don't think it would have taken as long.

13. March 2010, 22:49:27
Snoopy 
Subject: Re:
Bwild: i like that

12. March 2010, 23:16:02
Bwild 
A state trooper noticed a car driving along the highway very slowly. His radar clocked the vehicle at 22 mph. The trooper, worried that the driver might be in trouble, turned on his siren and brought the slow moving car to a stop.
The driver was an elderly man. In the back seat sat two old ladies. both trembling with fright. What's wrong , officer? asked the driver. i was driving the speed limit, It was on the sign back there.
The troper realized what had happened. Sir, that wasn't the speed limit sign, that was the route number. The speed limit is 65. You're on highway 22.
Oh, the man said with a nod. Sorry about that.
The trooper looked into the back seat. Are they all right?
Those are my sisters, said the driver. They'll be fine. We just got off highway 175.

2. March 2010, 19:17:33
Purple 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
Tuesday: They say the last check you should write should be to your undertaker..and it should bounce! lol

2. March 2010, 10:59:51
pgt 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
Walter Montego: Yeah! But getting old and aging sure beats the alternative!

1. March 2010, 20:45:45
Walter Montego 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
I don't mind getting old...

... it's the aging I don't like.

28. February 2010, 02:15:42
Mélusine 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
Purple: Oh yes !

28. February 2010, 02:15:23
Mélusine 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
pgt: Very good !

27. February 2010, 12:44:57
Purple 
Subject: Re: Getting old is so much fun!
pgt: The up side of being 80 is that all your enemies are dead...including the doctors who told you to quit smoking.

27. February 2010, 03:07:00
pgt 
Subject: Getting old is so much fun!
A group of 40-year-olds discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally they agree to meet at Mario’s because the food there is very good and the wine selection isn’t bad.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they have never been there before!

25. February 2010, 07:20:33
rabbitoid 
Subject: Re: Fresh stuff
cowboynoel: Non chess players might have a bit of trouble with those

25. February 2010, 07:03:48
cowboynoel 
Subject: Fresh stuff
The knight went to the Mag Nus Smithy to have his sword fixed.

Mik Hailed John for his Fisching ability.

The expert battle tactician said, "Paul, Mor Feasible plans are needed."

25. February 2010, 06:59:09
cowboynoel 
Subject: Bein pun-ny
The white king Marshalled all his forces to crush the black king, but he didn't expect the battle to Dragon for as long as it did. The knights clashed at the Fischery, which startled the Birds. Kaspar ov Greendale served as the white army's chaplain and chief bishop, And Derssen was the chief of the pawn army. Cap. Ablanca was the rook commander.

8. November 2009, 15:41:49
Mélusine 
Subject: A bad smell .....
Sometimes, when you cry, nobody notices your tears.
Sometimes, when you feel sad, nobody notices your sorrow.
Sometimes, when you are happy, nobody notices your smile.
But fart just once...

3. October 2009, 04:24:37
wildrose 
Subject: embarrassing
One of the funniest "most embarrassing moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE'.

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word tampax' for THUMBTACKS'. In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

27. September 2009, 01:48:28
Mélusine 
Subject: The question
A blonde woman and a lawyer are in a plane. To spend the time, the lawyer suggests a game to the blonde. She is tired, so she doesn't answer and pretends to sleep. The lawyer tries again in another way: " You ask me a question and, if I don't find, I give you 500 Euros. Then, I ask you a question, but if you don't find the answer, you give me only 5 Euros ! " The blonde woman says ok. The lawyer begins: " What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon? ". The blonde gives him 5 Euros et asks him in her turn : " What has 3 legs by going up the mountain and 4 by going it down? ".
Then she turns her back to him and falls asleep. The lawyer reflects, consults Internet with his mobile phone, riffles through an online encyclopaedia, questions his neighbours discreetly. Unsuccessfully. He fails. After several hours of intense reflection, he wakes the blonde woman up, who pockets 500 Euros.
Good loser but a little frustrated, the lawyer would really like to know : " Well, what is the answer? ". Without saying a word, the blonde woman holds a 5 euros note out to him and goes back to sleep.

12. September 2009, 02:38:27
Mélusine 
Subject: In a plane
Bill Gates, an old man, a hippy and a pilot are in a plane. There are only three parachutes. The plane catches fire. The pilot takes one of the three parachutes and jumps. Bill Gates says: " I am the most clever man of the earth, I must save my life because the world needs me ! "
BiIl takes a parachute and jumps. The old man says to the hippy: " I am old and you, you are young, you must save your life. " The hippy answers him: " don't worry my brother, the most clever man of the world has just taken my backpack ! "

10. September 2009, 11:29:42
Darles Chickens 
Subject: A dam letter...
Modified by Darles Chickens (10. September 2009, 11:31:23)

This is just the best letter EVER!!!! Dam, it’s really great!!!</font>


</font>

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter. (Some photos attached to the letters are missing)


State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear
Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District
Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.. DeVries:



Re: DEQ File
No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

</font>

These photos are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
</font>

5. May 2009, 21:33:54
trohat 
Subject: Re: Duh
rabbitoid:
Too bad it is impossible to translate

5. May 2009, 21:27:12
rabbitoid 
Subject: Duh
They once said that a black man would be President when pigs flew.

His first 100 days and - wham , Pig's flu !!!

5. May 2009, 13:26:02
Cheri 
Subject: Happy Cinco de Mayo
Q: What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto!

19. April 2009, 12:42:38
ArnieTxx 
Subject: A Package for Mrs. Jackson
A U.P.S. driver has a package to deliver to Mrs. Jackson. So he drives to the address, which is a townhouse. A little girl is sitting on the steps leading up to the entrance, playing with a doll. The driver asks the girl, "Is your mother at home?" "Yes," replies the girl. The driver climbs the stairs & knocks at the door. No answer. He waits for a minute & knocks again. As nobody comes to the door, the driver goes back down the stairs & says to the girl, "I thought you said that your mom was at home." So the girl replies, "Yes, Mom is at home, but we don't live here."

25. March 2009, 22:35:15
Walter Montego 
Subject: Re: New Windows messages considered for Windows 7
Pedro Martínez:

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)User Error: Replace user.

I went with a different system and keep it right next to the computer. It competes with the major computer and software companies and is very inexpensive. Works in ambient lighting without any external power supply. The only cost being initial purchase, though many places give them away for free.

Pen = WOD (Write Only Device)
and
Paper = NVSM (Non-Volatile Storage Medium)

22. March 2009, 00:51:02
Mélusine 
Subject: Women's vocabulary
Modified by Mélusine (22. March 2009, 00:51:47)
"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you're moronic !

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me !?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

19. March 2009, 18:50:37
Pedro Martínez 
Subject: New Windows messages considered for Windows 7
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

17. January 2009, 22:29:11
Snoopy 
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

19. December 2008, 13:49:32
Beren the 32nd 
Subject: Re:
Darles Chickens: Your name made me laugh immediately: good one!
However, your 'joke' is a bit too cyncial for me, sorry.

18. December 2008, 18:52:01
The Col 
Subject: THIS JOKE NEEDS NO WORDS

18. December 2008, 17:08:47
Darles Chickens 
Modified by Darles Chickens (18. December 2008, 17:11:21)
BEFORE MARRIAGE


John- Ah, at last…I can hardly wait!!!
Jane- Do you want me to leave?
John- NO! Don’t even think about it!
Jane- Do you love me?
John- Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane- Have you ever cheated on me?
John- No! Why are you asking?...
Jane- Will you kiss me?
John- Every chance I get.
Jane- Will you hit me?
John- Hell no!!! Are you crazy?
Jane- Can I trust you?
John- Yes
Jane- Darling…

AFTER MARRIAGE (Read from the bottom back to the top)

18. October 2008, 23:07:19
trohat 
Subject: Re:
Pedro Martínez: great vid

18. October 2008, 18:28:57
Pedro Martínez 

15. September 2008, 22:42:23
Milioi 

25. July 2008, 02:30:53
tyyy 
Subject: Re: The Rude Parrot
Cheri: Very Good!!

20. July 2008, 00:09:45
Cheri 
Subject: The Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did."

17. June 2008, 10:01:17
snowleopard 
Subject: Secretary
A company director has a vacancy for a secretary. There are 3 candidates for the job.

The first one is a brilliant organiser who always gets him to his meetings on time and makes sure he doesn't miss his flights.

The second one has a superb memory and always remembers his wife's birthday and to send flowers from him and book dinner on their anniversary etc.

The third one is superbly efficient at dealing with people and takes a lot of the pressure off the Boss by dealing with a lot of people and problems herself.

So - which one does he employ ???

Answer tommorrow

25. May 2008, 23:28:13
Cheri 
Yo Mama is so buck-toothed, she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence

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