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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



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21. December 2014, 06:31:35
dams 
Subject: Punctuation matters!
Yet another post worth recycling...

Version 1
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart. Both of us can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Version 2
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn; for you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we are apart, both of us can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Gloria

19. December 2014, 14:25:43
dams 
Subject: Ask the chick
Found this today; no sexism intended!
---------
The guy is on his final question on 'KBC' (The Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire), and has just the one lifeline left, 'Phone A Friend'.

The question goes...

"Which Bird does not make a nest?" Options:

1: Sparrow
2: Swallow
3: Blackbird
4: Cuckoo

The guy is not sure, so he calls his girlfriend.
She answers, "Stupid, it's obviously a cuckoo, 100%" and the guy wins.

Later the guy calls his girlfriend, "how the hell did you know that, honey? I must say you've got more brains than I credit you for!"

And the sweet thing replies:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."Well, u idiot, cuckoo lives in a clock na!"

The guy is still in coma

11. December 2014, 19:37:06
dams 
Subject: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Oh ok, got it. Good one!

11. December 2014, 19:35:31
dams 
Subject: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Can't decipher the first three digits 100. Got the rest I think.

11. December 2014, 19:31:48
dams 
Subject: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: #26 foxed me too without the explanation, which runs as follows: read the expression as " √{ -1} over √{64} " replacing the square roots by the values. Aloud.

9. December 2014, 05:34:21
dams 
Subject: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Yes, 10 is superb.

Did you get 26?

25. November 2014, 15:09:26
dams 
Subject: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
Modified by dams (25. November 2014, 19:14:10)
Worth recycling:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

6. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

7. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, xxxx the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.

8. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

9. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
“Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. “Because they had eggs!”

11. A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs” The programmer never returns.

12. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.

13. Entropy isn’t what it used to be

14. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

15. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

16. Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the second says “I’ll have H2O too!” The second man dies.

17. A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”

18. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.

19. A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road… Ten minutes later, three men walk out.
The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”
The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”
To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”

20. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”

21. Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one stops and says “I think I just lost an electron!” The second one replies “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive!”

22. A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens. So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution. The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies “Well, I’ve found a solution, but it will only work for spherical chickens in a vacuum”.

23. Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer

24. A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

25. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!

26. A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)

27. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

28. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

29. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

30. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

28. August 2014, 17:21:30
dams 
A woman awakes during the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe, goes downstairs to look for him, and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words aren't coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
...........


"I would have gotten out today".

24. March 2014, 05:33:43
dams 
Subject: Re:
rod03801, snowleopard: Good 1!

18. February 2014, 19:07:06
dams 
Subject: Re: OBEDIENCE
Skyking: Programmer, by any chance?

Haridaspal: Good ones. Keep them coming!

18. January 2014, 18:28:15
dams 
Subject: Re: PHONE BILL
Haridaspal: Watch out bhai, Sangeeta the maid is now under Uncle Sam's protection. Just joking :)

6. November 2013, 06:02:37
dams 
Subject: Traffic ticket 2 - think fast, drive fast
Cop catches woman speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: My officer also claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, I'm very sorry indeed for the trouble. You see, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying b****d told you I was speeding too!

6. November 2013, 05:53:40
dams 
Subject: Traffic ticket 1 - what vengeance is all about
A teacher breaks a traffic red light. Cop accosts her.

"Occupation, ma'am?"

Teacher: "Please let me go, I am a teacher."

Cop: "Ooh I've waited for this moment the whole year since I joined my job. Ok, write 10000 times, 'I SHALL NEVER VIOLATE A TRAFFIC SIGNAL AGAIN'!"

PS: This is very pertinent to India :-D

4. November 2013, 18:32:50
dams 
Subject: A sign in a public bathroom...
...said "please wiggle handel." Underneath that, in different ink and handwriting, someone had scrawled "If I do, will it wiggle bach?"

4. November 2013, 18:31:40
dams 
Subject: Re: Punography (recycled - old but gold)
ketchuplover: Thanks :)

4. November 2013, 18:31:22
dams 
Subject: Re: re: Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.
The Col: It certainly does!

29. October 2013, 14:21:30
dams 
Subject: Punography (recycled - old but gold)
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood. But it was a type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period !

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca Cola factory: I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first...then it grew on me.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back for seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

-------- Later additions -----------

Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

29. October 2013, 13:57:51
dams 
Subject: The US Naval Ship and...
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The US Navy has unfortunately debunked this urban legend. Sadly, it never happened.

29. October 2013, 13:56:13
dams 
Subject: Re: Panacea!
crosseyed: Thanks :)

17. October 2013, 15:21:17
dams 
Subject: Panacea!
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith wanted to prove that this 'miracle doctor' to isn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!", thinking now he got the doctor.

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.

26. August 2011, 17:12:25
dams 
Subject: Re:
Carl: not if i was born in this millenium! then the sum is 11 :p

23. September 2005, 16:29:57
dams 
Subject: Spoonerisms: what the late reverend Spooner said...
... and what were the intended originals? (& no, you are NOT allowed to look up http://www.saidwhat.co.uk/spoon/index.php) :)

I've given the answer to no. 1:

1 fighting a liar (lighting a fire)

2 you hissed my mystery lecture

3 searched every crook and nanny

4 cattle ships and bruisers

5 nosey little cook

6 a blushing crow

7 Kinquering Congs their titles take
(announcing hymn in chapel)

8 tons of soil

9 let us drink to the queer old Dean

10 we'll have the hags flung out

11 you've tasted two worms

12 our shoving leopard

13 a half-warmed fish

14 is the bean dizzy?

15 six rusty crolls

16 Hello, Witches of Swatzerland

17 for god's sake shake a tower

18 he has really mad banners

19 wave the sails, man

20 he flew at the lead of spite

21 ooh look a pretty flutter by

22 i love cop porn

23 oh no! not a bat flattery

24 would you like a nasal hut?

25 see ya, eye ball

26 my chips are lapped
-----------------------

Now, can you recall/make up any?

27. August 2005, 20:44:11
dams 
Subject: Any real-life Spoonerisms?
NE1 has come across unusual examples of Spoonerisms?

U know - like the classic, "you hissed my mystery lecture" (you missed my history lecture)?

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