1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”
4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”
5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
6. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
7. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, xxxx the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.
8. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
9. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.
10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. “Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. “Because they had eggs!”
11. A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs” The programmer never returns.
12. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ? The logician replies: “yes”.
13. Entropy isn’t what it used to be
14. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
15. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
16. Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the second says “I’ll have H2O too!” The second man dies.
17. A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
18. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.
19. A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road… Ten minutes later, three men walk out. The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.” The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!” To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”
20. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
21. Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one stops and says “I think I just lost an electron!” The second one replies “Are you sure?” “I’m positive!”
22. A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens. So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution. The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies “Well, I’ve found a solution, but it will only work for spherical chickens in a vacuum”.
23. Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer
24. A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”
25. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody!
26. A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)
27. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
28. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
29. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
30. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walked around the ranch and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan commented, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"
Subject: Traffic ticket 2 - think fast, drive fast
Cop catches woman speeding.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: My officer also claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, I'm very sorry indeed for the trouble. You see, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying b****d told you I was speeding too!
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The US Navy has unfortunately debunked this urban legend. Sadly, it never happened.
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith wanted to prove that this 'miracle doctor' to isn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!", thinking now he got the doctor.
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan, to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..."
The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens - Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.
This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
(hide) If you want to play a game with an opponent of a similar level, you can define a required BKR range for a new game invitation. Then nobody with a BKR outside this range will be able to see/accept it. (Katechka) (show all tips)