http://www.near-death.com/images/graphics/hospital/veridical%20operation%20cartoon/if_your_reading_this.jpg

*
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely,
always knows the right thing to say, too !
*
Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red
carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides
to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways
and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the
most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast
of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire,
including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state
do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President,
please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

Andre Faria: well in that case, stop reading and start writing !!!!!!!!
hahaha

wayney: AHAH, "1" is excellent...

This board is read by people of all ages. Please post accordingly. Thank you.

http://www.thejokefactory.org/JF_pictures/Pictures_by_date/2001/07_July_01/Fast%20Tide.jpg

http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/3261.html

furbster: OMG someone has way to much time on their hads LMAO

furbster: That button thing is real cool!!!!
Thanks for sharing it!

http://fun.drno.de/flash/BigRedButton.swf

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her a**.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the d**** it produces.

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

http://homepages.uel.ac.uk/u9807032/useem0003.jpg

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

BIG BAD WOLF: O got 9/10...fluke.

BIG BAD WOLF: I didnt do to good 6 out of 10 lol

local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.

Successful applicant must be bilingual.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.



A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window,saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

I just got 74 meters LOL

ScarletRose: LOL........ ya.....steady idle hands LOL

Ogopogo: Wow!! hahaha.. steady hands!! lol

ScarletRose: LOL! I got to 63 :)

Ogopogo: My highest right now is 54 meters!! LOL addicting yes.. haha

I got 8/10... ew.. errie..

I know my java beans from my fava beans!! and my slashers from my backslashers!! LOL

BIG BAD WOLF: Got 8

BIG BAD WOLF: I got all 10, lucky guessing!

A test. (oh, I got 7 our of 10)

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

Get the Drunk Home
Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up.
Hysterical........You just move your mouse left to right (no clicking )

To keep him walking in a straight line. The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse which makes it more difficult.

Apparently the record is 82 meters! And it's in German !

CLICK ON THE HYPERLINK BELOW TO PLAY - ITS ADDICTIVE.

www.wagenschenke.ch

Catch fly with chopsticks game (Sorry, probable will not work with WebTV)

http://www2.abc.net.au/fly/flysui/flysui.html

Little Johnny comes home from school with a request for his father:



"Dad, I need to do a homework about politics and how government works. Can you help me?"



"Sure, that's easy", says the father. "It's sufficient to compare the government and society with our family:

I'm the money earner, call me the capitalist.

Your mom manages the family and spends the money: she's the government.

Your nanny works for us, she's the working class.

You are the people.

Your little brother George is the future generation.

Have you got all that?"



"Yes, I think so", answers little Johnny.



During the night, Little Johnny is awakened by George, who is crying. He gets up and sees that George needs to be changed. He goes to his parents' room and tries to wake his mother, but she's fast asleep. His dad isn't in bed. He goes to look for the nanny and finds his father deep... ah... in conversation with her. In the meanwhile George has calmed down, so Johnny goes back to sleep.



Next day at breakfast, Johnny tells his father:



"Dad, I now understand all about politics!"



"Really? What do you make of it?



"It's simple. I understand that capitalism screws the working class while the government's asleep, deaf to the calls of the people and happy to leave the future generation in s****!"

<A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Laura, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell
phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
> > Laura was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Laura went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Laura," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Laura replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her h usband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling."

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one was a brunette, and one was a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

*

*

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
"Ah, young love ... ze spring time,
ze air, ze flowers ... C'est magnifique !",
and continued to watch, remembering
the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu !
Ze woman she is dead !" before heading off as fast
as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted,
"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ...
naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said,
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember
ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers ?
Ah,L'amour ! Zis is OK."

"Mais non ! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead !"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat,
rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike,
pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed,
"Pierre, Pierre ! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's
field, zere is a young couple naked having sex !"

To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science. You must emember ...
it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour ! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply,
"NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead !"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu !" grabbed his black
medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove
calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British !"

~*~

* Yes = No.

* No = Yes.

* Maybe = No.

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

* We need = I want.

* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

* We need to talk = I need to complain.

* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about no entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was hard enough."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions: The first question: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -how many days in the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be 2, Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that ones harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve! Forrest how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on to the final question: Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."

St. Peter opened the gate and said: "RUN, FORREST, RUN!"

chupacabraVS2:
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
-
http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/drunk_pumpkin.jpg

2 drunks were sitting in the afternoon on a park bench sharing a bottle in front of the lion's cage at the zoo.they both fell asleep.6:00 PM ,its feeding time at the zoo,the lion wakes up & roars.both drunks wake up startled & stiil snonckered."come on,et's get out of here".one druk says to the other.hid friend says."no,no,wait,the movie just started".
---
drunk staggers up onto the the 1st steop at the old city hall.drops a dime into a crevass in the mortar,looks up at the clockface on the clocktower & mumbles to himself"geez,I lost 5 pounds".
---
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”

“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

Am I Really Too Old??




I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.


They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.


For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.





An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."



And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.






All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

People always ask me if i'm married. I say well once. But it fell all apart thanks to my wife joining a new organization.

It was called W.A.S.H.

It stands for "W"omen "A"gainst "S"tupid "H"usbands....Now i'm single... :-/

Ogopogo:

ScarletRose:

Hi

Ogopogo: *giggle*.. her dress was so pretty.. and her hair.. OM!! who fixed it for her.. I will have to go have mine done as well.. hehe..

Hey you!

'

'

The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill"

Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name."

Upon which the the driver responded:
"As well it should be too. I've a-been driving a cab here for over forty years."

~*~

this is a very good joke site too ... especially some people. ~*~

Coke:

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/acid.asp
http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/cokelore.asp

http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/