An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"

<Blonde Jokes (or are they factual reports?) A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger. "He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot
chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted
flakes back in the box.
  ASTROLOGY > >Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida......?????
CAR TROUBLE > >A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it
for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
  SPEEDING TICKET > >A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
  KNITTING > >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN > >A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were
the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going
to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM > >A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! > >A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"   "Hellllloooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"..

Only in the US. . .

http://coan.net/bk-smile/8/only-in-usa.jpg

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

danoschek:

cr*p was not high enough ... ~*~

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Cr*p!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

*

*
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

S T Y L E
19 20 25 12 5 = 81%

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L * * * *
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 103%


So it stands to reason that hard work
and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there,
majorbull will put you even over the top.

Now let's look how far Butt Kissing will get you !

B U T T K I S S I N G
2 20 21 21 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 152% !!

... ~*~ ...

'

This guy is shopping one day and goes into a salvage store to just look around. To his amazement he finds his dream suit that he had always wanted. Knowing what they cost he looks for the price tag nervously.
He is shocked speechless when he see the price of just $19.95. He hurriedly tries it on just to find out that the right sleeve and the left pant leg are both 4 inches to short!
He is heart broken, so as he slowly begins removing the suit a salesman walks up to him and says.........hey that's your color! The customer says.......yes I know and I just love it but........look, look at the sleeve and pant leg!

The salesman thinks fast and says, wait, wait before you remove it. Pull your right arm up inside the right sleeve by bending your right elbow just a little....little more. Perfect!
Now bend your left leg at the knee. a little more. GREAT. Now look in the mirror!
The customer looks in the mirror and is shocked to see how nicely the suite now fits him! I'll take it! Here's $50.00, keep the change and out the door he walks.

Two men are approaching him on the side walk and one says to the other, "Look at that poor cripple man" His friend says "Yes, but doesn't his suite fit him nice!

skipinnz: It has been said that his jokes are "moldy" if that helps. LOL

I want to apologize to Bumble and Jason for scolding them in public!

You guys may consider it an honor, since it was my first act as a newbie Mod!

Purple: I'm good at apologizing!

Purple:And here was us thinking it was because you could mould clay..... LOL

ClayNashvilleTn: I needed one more co-moderator. I wanted someone who was fair, intelligent, honest and with a sense of humor. I couldn't find anyone like that so I appointed Clay.

OK thats enough of the chatter, back to Jokes please!

Dang I love this "NEW" power as a Mod!

Jason: Worthy of 'is that the cat who chewed your new shoe?'

well im told i'm mental and i thought it was good lol, hang on i've just dropped my pencil

Purple:

bumble: When two groups are offended in one joke that is an achievement. LOL. I thought it was mild and clever but if there is outrage among the mentally ill perhaps we can ban it afterall.

Purple: And there was me thinking that joke was worthy of a banning.
It has a cringe factor of 10.

Darn good though!

Jason: LOL. Very good!

It was visiting day at the mental hospital. All the inmates
were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria"
and singing it beautifully.


Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand
and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and
then approached the conductor of the choir.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is the one
of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What
are they called?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They
are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

I have a really good virus program and it cleaned every Windows file off the drive.

Hrqls: thanks
That felt good

you know you always wanted to do this

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

JackS: LOL
go away Jack if you want to be that weak.
sniff sniff

I for one thought it was hilarious

The moderators worry about words kid's may see, but a person with a weak heart could die from that xxxx.

JackS: how can you say it wasnt funny?
If it gives you a start, then laugh it off.
LOL
It was absolutely hilarious

INVENTORAMF: That was not funny! You xxxxxxx!

that was VERY GOOD
got me

go to...

http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2004/august/ghost_carad.mpg

JamesHird:

Didn't realize I posted it twice

<> Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice
> says to Frank, you know,
> we could make a lot of money running our own
> Bungee-jumping service in
> Mexico."
>
> Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool
> their money and buy
> everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord,
> insurance, etc. They
> travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
> As they are constructing
> the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
> and more people gather
> to watch them at work. When they had finished, there
> was such a crowd they
> thought it would be a good idea to give a
> demonstration.
>
> So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord,
> but when she comes back
> up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
> scratches. Unfortunately,
> Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
> bounces and comes back up
> again.
>
> This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
>
> Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
> bounces back up. This time
> she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a
> couple of broken bones and is
> almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches
> her this time and says,
> "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
>
> Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
> cord was fine...It was
> the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

JamesHird: is it ok to be smokin' in bed[wink]

how about posting for a 3rd time for good luck LOL

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

# R.J. Reynolds, Sr., the founder of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company, died of pancreatic cancer in 1916 at the age of 67.

# David Millar, the first Marlboro Man, died of complications from emphysema.

# David McLean, another actor who portrayed the Marlboro Man, died of lung cancer in 1995.

whatever you do, don't smoke !!!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Summertop: No, here is some baby food:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/7/baby_burger.jpg

Picture

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"

INVENTORAMF: hey,that sounds like a lisp joke...lol..careful no one complains about speech impediment or gay speech style jokes.
---
Q : did you hear about the girl with a lisp that didn't believe in mistakes?
A : to her,every "miss" was a "myth".

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"

"It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"