The Blonde Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."

"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

after I adjusted my antichatlist aka hidelist ...
the 20th century and oscar highhistory let nostalgics still dream what
kind of great honorations they might have missed ... some alternatives

The Top 16 Why-Didn't-We-Have Oscar Nominations

16. Best Imitation of Acting by a Bad Martial Artist -- Steven Seagal

15. Best Grip -- Monica Lewinsky

14. Breast Supporting Actress -- Demi Moore

13. Actor Slammed Most Often in a Top 5 List -- Pauly Shore

12. Largest Ego Squeezed Onto a Movie Set -- Val Kilmer

11. Best Animated Film With No Plans for a Subsequent National
Tour With "On Ice" After Its Name -- no nominations this year

10. Best Use of Erect Nipples in a Feature Length Film to Draw
Attention from Face -- Helen Hunt, "As Good As It Gets"

9. Best Performance by a Baldwin or Wayans -- Alec (again)

8. Best Performance in a Romance -- Pamela Anderson Lee;
Best Animated Long Feature -- Tommy Lee

7. Best Performance by a Frosty Bobbing Cadaver
-- Colin Winthorpe, "Titanic"

6. Best Occupation for Your Character When Playing Opposite a
Babe -- Leonardo DiCaprio's nude sketch artist, "Titanic"

5. Fastest to be Dumped When Boyfriend Reached Stardom
-- Minnie Driver, by Matt Damon

4. Most Thorough Research by an Actor Who May Someday Play
a Cowering Pretty-Boy Cellmate -- Robert Downey, Jr.

3. Special "American Gigolo" Award -- James Brolin

2. Vocal Performance from a Movie Soundtrack That Most Makes
One Envious of Those Who Drowned in the Film Because They
Never Had to Hear This Overdramatic Crap Over and Over
-- Celine Dion, "Titanic"

and the Winner is

1. Fullest Monty -- Dirk Diggler, "Boogie Nights"

between a moderator and an escalator ?
( "I cAn hear it" is no valid response. ) ... ~*~ .

sorry - got it delayed ... great one ... ... ~*~

don't forget to tell her if you don't see the joke in my delfection of silly chat ... ~*~

danoschek: Please limit posts to jokes and not esoteric one on one chat. Thank you.

Tuesday: oh you play with gas very often I see ... fascinating - at an age ... ~*~

- identifying hmmm less but actually the blaze seems to be calling quite often ... ~*~

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read,

'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale'.

*

*

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Numb-nut Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin

HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon

OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his butt

NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"







THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

furbster: You know that Button thing. Could you please put the link in a message, because i want to show my friend it. Because its not working when i go to open it!
THANKS.

on irc usually just children chat only, indeed . . on a gameserver though they
belong to the rather serious clientel, due to their genuine understanding of what
it is for - which is not too easy to grasp on the ancient.irc@insider.com, btw ... ~*~

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

I thought only children chatted on IRC?

oh!!!!! ROFL!

The key to that joke is that 127.0.0.1 is the loop back address - which means on any computer, that address loops back to your own computer.

... so he was "hacking" himself.

BIG BAD WOLF: I didn't think I was non-computer, but I didn't get it. Oh well, maybe next time. <shrug>

fun enough for all chat people too,
why not do something for the other side as
well I thought in that my very own social way. ~*~

danoschek: Funny - 5 minutes later after reading all that, I wonder if it's that funny to non-computer people.

*
~*~
*
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-a97f9137.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-intx-194-0-27.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> y do u kick me
<silverbullet> can't you discus normally
<silverbullet> answer!
<statue-sweller> we didn't kick you
<statue-sweller> you had a ping timeout:
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-a97f9137.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
<silverbullet> what ping man
<silverbullet> the timing of my pc is right
<silverbullet> i even have dst
<silverbullet> you banned me
<silverbullet> amit it you son of a silverbullet
<PitPitPooh> LOL
<PitPitPooh> **** you're stupid, DST^^
<silverbullet> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
<silverbullet> for two weaks already
<silverbullet> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
<statue-sweller> You're a real computer expert
<silverbullet> shut up i hack you
<statue-sweller> ok, I'll be quiet, hope you don't show us what a good a hacker you are ^^
<silverbullet> tell me your network number man then your dead
<statue-sweller> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for your great attack
<silverbullet> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<statue-sweller> Now I'm frightened
<silverbullet> shut up you'll be gone
<silverbullet> i have a program where i enter your ip and your dead
<silverbullet> say goodbye
<statue-sweller> to whom ?
<silverbullet> to you man
<silverbullet> buy buy
<statue-sweller> I'm shivering thinking about such great haXX0rs like you
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-intx-194-0-27.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: silverbullet entered his own
IP-Adress into his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC.
Undeterred, two minutes later he returned.

* silverbullet (~java@usirc-b5cd558e.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
<cloudymoon> lol
<statue-sweller> silverbullet: Then try hacking me again...
I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
<silverbullet> you're so stupid man
<silverbullet> say buy buy
<cloudymoon> ah, back off
<silverbullet> buy buy statue-sweller
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-b5cd558e.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave
of attack. Being a 133t hacker, who usually cracks whole
data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

* silverbullet (~java@usirc-9ff3c180.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you son of a silverbullet
<cloudymoon> silverbullet how old are you?
<statue-sweller> What's up silverbullet ?
<silverbullet> you have a frie wal
<silverbullet> fire wall
<statue-sweller> maybe, i don't know
<silverbullet> i'm 37
<cloudymoon> such behaviour with 37?
<statue-sweller> how did you find out that I have a firewall ?
<cloudymoon> tststs this is not very nice missy
<silverbullet> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
<silverbullet> be a man turn that **** off
<statue-sweller> cool, didn't know this was possible.
<silverbullet> thn my virus destroys your pc man
<cloudymoon> are you hacking yourselves?
<statue-sweller> yes silverbullet is trying to hack me
<cloudymoon> he silverbullet if you're a hacker you have
to get around a firewall even i can do that
<silverbullet> yes man i hack the statue-sweller but the sucker has a fire wall the
<cloudymoon> what firewall do you have?
<silverbullet> like a girl
<cloudymoon> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
<Puzzle Joe> silverbullet give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
<silverbullet> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus ****er
<statue-sweller> Noo
<cloudymoon> he silverbullet why turn it off, you should turn it off
<silverbullet> your afraid
<silverbullet> i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
<silverbullet> statue-sweller turn off your **** wall!
<cloudymoon> i wanted to say something about this, do you know
the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's
an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
<silverbullet> shut up
<cloudymoon> lol
<silverbullet> my grandma surfs with fire wall
<silverbullet> and you suckers think you're cool and don't
dare going into the internet without a fire wall

statue-sweller doesn't have a firewall at all,
only his router, but he lies and eggs him on.

<statue-sweller> silverbullet, a collegue showed me how
to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
<cloudymoon> silverbullet can't hack
<JerryMo> nice play on words ^^
<silverbullet> wort man
<statue-sweller> silverbullet: I'm still waiting for your attack !
<cloudymoon> how many times again he is no hacker
<silverbullet> man do you want a virus
<silverbullet> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
<cloudymoon> lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know
how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
<statue-sweller> 127.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> it's easy
<silverbullet> lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
<silverbullet> and are the first files being deleted
<statue-sweller> mom...
<statue-sweller> i'll take a look
<silverbullet> don't need to rescue you can't son of a silverbullet
<statue-sweller> that's bad
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
<statue-sweller> yes, there's nothing i can do about it
<silverbullet> and in 20 seconds f: is gone
<silverbullet> tupac rules
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you son of a silverbullet your f: is gone and e: too
<silverbullet> and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
<Puzzle Joe> why doesn't cloudy say anything
<statue-sweller> he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
<JerryMo> ^^
<silverbullet> your d: is gone
<Puzzle Joe> go on silverbullet
<silverbullet> statue-sweller man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
<silverbullet> i'm already at c: 30 percent
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-9ff3c180.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we
are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully
for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

*

*
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made a fool of yourself already.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tony

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

PSS: Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Love Tony

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too
Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

danoschek: dung neither ...
perhaps eriisa should pin the kindergarten tos somewhere at a wall made visible ...
too silly is no joke let me tell you, it could be charged as careless humbug ... ~*~ .

My Grandfather likes to give advice but he's a little forgetful........one day he took me to one side & left me there!

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis- rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."

INVENTORAMF: Yeah

GeGe:
I thought so too

kithara: ... ~*~

INVENTORAMF:lol thats a good one!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

danoschek:

Most people don't know that back in 1912,
Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit
an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared
a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

LMBO

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."

She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here."

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

<Subject: The demise of Common Sense
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
>
> Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
> was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
> when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that
> life isn't always fair.
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
> than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
> charge).
>
> His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
> overbearing
> regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with
> sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for
> using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
> student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental
> consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents
> when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>
> Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the churches became
> businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that
> a
> steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was
> awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. Two
> stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive him.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to b e one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."