When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................
                
So I took her to a gas station!!!!

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

The Wrong Thing To Say

This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over
at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband who has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long.".....

......Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

Life as a Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Budweiser."

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."

how many men
http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2003-08-04.gif
the difference
http://riderblues.homestead.com/files/DIFF_MEN_WOMAN.jpg

ClayNashvilleTn: southern girls humour:
http://www.webwombat.com.au/entertainment/humour/Grumpy_Old_Coot/62barbie.htm

http://www.prankplace.com/turleen.htm

<SOUTHERN GIRLS [aged 1 year or 100, they'll always be "girls"]
>
> Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
> of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart"
> or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on
> the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 4-lane
> highway."
>
>> I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
>> about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her
>> toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My
>> friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
>> those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this After all,
>> this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you
>> believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
>> "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
>>
>> Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the
>> North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
>> friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food.
>> I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good
>> bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts,eat their
>> cornbread with sugar in it!
>>
>> We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear,
>> but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.
>> And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is
>> "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think
>> this
>> is right funny indeed.
>>
>> I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
>> got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
>> also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And,
>> bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or
>> what "I reckon" means!
>>
>> My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't
>> help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
>>
>
>> Southern girls know everybody's first name:
>> 1. Honey
>> 2. Darlin'
>> 3. Shugah
>>
>> Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
>> 1. "Gone With the Wind"
>> 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
>> 3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
>> 4. "Steel Magnolias"
>>
>> Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
>> 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
>> 2. Richmon
>> 3. Challston
>> 4. S'vannah
>> 5. Birminham
>> 6. Nawlins'
>> 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
>>
>> Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
>> 1. Bad hair
>> 2. Bad manners
>> 3. Bad blind dates
>>
>> G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!
>>
>> Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The
>> South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS.
>> Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".
>>
>> That Reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because
>> your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners.
>> After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them
>> biscuits."

hehehe

tazman7474: Or those taken hostage by it. LOL

Stress is for people who believe in reality!

30 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

Skyking: hey i dont get that

nobleheart:
Ha Ha Ha !!
Very Funny
>
>
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>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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((((( N O T )))))

INVENTORAMF: I like funny ..you like funny:
http://www.funsilly.com/newimages/pie1.gif

nobleheart:
Sick joke

nobleheart:
Hey can I help it if you have "NO" sence of humor?
LOL

INVENTORAMF: groan..corny joke..out picking in the corn field again were you?

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any,
and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to
take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle. .


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner
and a massage?"

http://www.deeplake.com/men/jokes/
http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jkmen.html

Tired of Consultants?

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!

CurrentRiver: hahahaha.. The power of a woman!

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one
had to drop off, otherwise, they were all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a
very
touching speech She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope
because as
a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.

old woman walk into a manchester butcher shop & asks the butcher for an eider duck.
the butcher puts a duck on the counter.
the old woman sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thats not an eider duck".
butcher get another duck.old woman again sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thats not an eider duck".
butcher goes into the back of the shop,get another duck.
old woman again sticks her finger in the rear of the duck,then says"thank you,thats an eider duck,I'll take it".
old woman then says"say,your not the regular butcher,were are you from".
the butcher comes around the counter,drops his pants & say" your so smart,you tell me lady".

www.bjburrows.com

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Boss says to the worker, "Why aren't you working?"
Worker replies, " I didn't see you coming."


Worker sees his boss trying to get a paper shredder working.
"Hey boss, let me help you". The sheet of paper goes in without a problem.
The boss says, "Thank you, now I need three copies."

Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

skipinnz: Now that is a bad hair day!

Doctor calls a patient:
"I've got bad news and worst news. Which do you want first?"
"Jeez doc, give me the bad news first"
"You've only got 24 hours to live"
"My God, if that's the bad news, what could be worst than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday".

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

...I'm 1/2 irish,so I guess I can get away with sharing:
Q : whats long & green & has an IQ of 65?
A : the st.patrick's day parade.

Q : what happened when st.partick quit drinking?
A : he got the shamrock shakes.

just kidding..in honour of st.patrick's day,I wonder if there are any celtic goddesses?

Nirvana: ty for the info,I used to like dave allen>I always preferrred UK comedy.it has more wit than the american slapstick.

Comedian Dave Allen has died at the age of 68, his agent said.

The Irishman died in his sleep at his west London home.

Allen was a TV favourite with his shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen At Large. He leaves a wife, Karin, and three children.

Allen's agent, Vivienne Clore, said the cause of death was unknown. The comic had not been suffering from any major illness.

Allen famously delivered his comedy routines sitting on a stool with a cigarette and drink in hand.

He was considered one of the first alternative comedians, telling risque jokes about sex and religion and making frequent use of the f-word.

Born David Tynan O'Mahoney in 1936, he grew up in Dublin and moved to Britain aged 21.

He became a Butlins Redcoat before making his TV debut on New Faces in 1959.

Several years on the stand-up circuit followed, including tours with the Beatles.

After appearing in his own show in Australia, he landed his first British TV series, Tonight With Dave Allen, in 1967 followed by The Dave Allen Show in 1968.

very funny

skipinnz: THAT was funny!!!!

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

BBW i liked that, was hilarious

http://www.mamarocks.com/cow_wisdom.htm

luved the jokes dudes!