harley:

nobleheart: No, but the old lady is!

harley,I think your smoking to much of that monkey loco-wed...lol

A Strange Lady

Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy.. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.

She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

volant: aren't all men from mars anyway?lol
----
"if they can put a man on the moon,why not all of them?".

volant: Not much if you brought your own oxygen! LOL

Rose: wonder how much it costs to move to Mars?

Rose: Oh wow just think.

Rose:

ScarletRose: scarey thoughts all round eh!

Rose: haha.. OMG.. that would be horrid!

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as
California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to
weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast
shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ( I
just sent it. I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

baddessi: oooh, now theres a thought!

harley: can he get him to weed the garden, wash the dishes and take out the trash too? : )

baddessi: 15. Lenny: I'll just growl at the postman until he changes the lightbulb.

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.




How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

one problem: The Captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was absolutely furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, as fate would have it, the parrot. they stared at each other with absolute hatred but did not utter a single word.

This went on for a day, then another and then another.

Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:



"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

... you should never put your picture on the Internet ...

http://www.redrubberball.net/why/

TarantinoFan: i noticed that too! i think despite is the word you're looking for! lol, and someone should say that we're just having a little fun at Dancers expense! no harm intended, at least from me! lol

skipinnz: Well DESPITE the fact that I found it so amusing I will concede to your wishes on this final note :)

dancer: but dispite the media's &.....

www.dictionary.com

No entry found for dispite.

Did you mean dispute?

Now that is funny!!!!!!

TarantinoFan: Enough already, can we go back to bad spelling and punctuation.
ROFL

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.

--- Author Unknown

playBunny: and pgt: Thanks! Roflmao!

pgt: Lolol

playBunny: But theirs still know excuse's four spelling mistake's and misplaced apostrophe's.

dancer: I looked for the joke there and I think I found it: "madical professionals" - guess it must be them wot's paid to be crazy.

Welcome to BrainKing, dancer. Here you will find as many typo's (lol) and miss-spellings as your heart could desire. Apo'strophy's can appear or not. there will be unexcusably inexcrable English side by side with grammertickle perfectness.
:-))

TarantinoFan: Love it! But title should be Dear Dogs & Cats [unless your are writing to something that belongs to them--a pet mouse, perhaps?] Doesn't anyone study English any more? And while I'm at it, people do not 'lay' down, they 'lie' down. You can 'lay' down a book, a tool, or any other object; but dispite the media's & madical professionals' misuse, people lie down. Thanks for listening. We can start a new trend--speaking English as well as the people who have English as a SECOND language. [Good job, foreign nationals!]

ScarletRose: Now we may be backwards , but we know the lamp didnt attract them, the Stork brought all of them!

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor
in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the
doctor, Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's
another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!"
cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A guy wakes up in the morning with the most terrible hangover ever. When he finally manages to open both his eyes, the first he sees is a tube of aspirin tablets and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits on the edge of the bed and there are his clothes, neatly folded and set. He then takes a look around the room and notices that everything is perfectly clean and neat.

He takes some aspirin and sees a post-it note left on the table:
"Darling, your breakfast is ready in the kitchen. I love you."

The guy is surprised and does not really know what to think. He heads for the kitchen only to find his breakfast ready and smelling good with the newspaper next to his bowl on the table. His son is at the table too, having his breakfast.

The man says: "Son, what exactly happened yesterday?"

The son: "Oh well, you came back home totally wasted at about 3:00am. You accidentally hit and broke some furniture, threw up in the corridor, punched mum in the face thinking that you were being attacked by wolves..."

The dad: "Then how do you explain that everything is cleaned up and neat and breakfast and all the rest is taken care of?"

The son: "Well, when mum dragged you to the bedroom to put you in bed and tried to take off your pants, you told her : get off me and leave me alone! I am married."

I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set...: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

A man is marooned on an island for ten years and has given up all hope of ever being saved, when suddenly, one day, a woman washes ashore. Her clothes are all tattered, and she is clutching a little waterproof bag. It seems that her ship also hit the coral reef off the island and has sunk. She, too, is the only survivor.

The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole story, about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned to live off the island, surviving by his wits. When he was finished his story, the woman says to him, "You mean you've been on this island for ten years?"

"That's right," says the man.

"Tell me," she asks. "Did you smoke cigarettes before you were marooned?"

"Why, yes, I did," he says. "Why do you ask?"

The woman says to him, "Well, since you haven't had a cigarette in ten years, here!" And with that, she pulls a cigarette out of her little bag and gives it to him.

"Oh, wow!" he says. "Thanks a lot!"

As she lights it for him, she says, "Say, were you a drinking man before you got shipwrecked?"

"Well," says the man, puffing on the cigarette, "I would have an occasional whiskey now and then."

The woman reaches into her little bag and says, "You haven't had a drink in ten years? Here!" From her bag she produces a small flask and hands it to him.

He takes a pull from the flask and is thanking her when she suddenly says, "Gee, I just realized. You've been on this island alone for ten years. I guess you haven't, uh, played around in ten years either, have you?"

"Good God!" says the man. "Do you have a set of golf clubs in that bag?"

First year med students were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body.


They all gathered around the surgery table with the body

covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In

medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a

doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck

his finger in the bottom of the corpse, withdrew it, and

stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.


The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of

the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and

told them: "The second most important quality is

observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my

index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!



To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets



1. They live here. You don't.



2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)



3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.



4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ....they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with d***-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for uni - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

ArtfulDodger:Even though I new what was coming your choice of characters was exceptional LOL

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.




The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.




So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."




"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as
I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This
ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first
thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first
thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."




The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.




A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem.
But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th
floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of
pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I
got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I
fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so
I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly."




The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well,"
the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets
Trump enter.




A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination pour through the
Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. Clinton, please tell me what it was
like the day you died."




Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator
.........

TarantinoFan: "Now that was FUNNY!

I did cringe at the whiter shade of hair And I'm saying nothing about the snoring!!

TarantinoFan: Ouch. That's close to home! LOL

It was fun being a baby boomer...'till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- on the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore's -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

is a locksmith. Give him a kick in the behind, and he makes a bolt for the door.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get m! arried and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

TarantinoFan: LOLOL .... and then the pause to scroll down to the sign off. ROFL!!

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in quick smart
before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because
ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like
sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is
make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot
Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time
all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to
the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno
why. The bullseye is as big as a possum's bum
and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya
gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the
target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load
your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and
ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks
like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only
been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles
across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7
and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till
the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how good
it is.














Your loving daughter,

Sheila

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_________________________________________
_
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHE
R: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
________________________________________
__
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
___
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TE
ACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TE
ACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TE
ACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer.

"You're getting a ticket."