"You should name your company Microsoft!"

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day
promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins
to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing
up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so
the two men march
down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up
that there are Elmos
all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands the
new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of
marbles. The men watch
in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins
to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give each
Elmo two test tickles

<>Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. A small boy
> >wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
> >lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked.
>
> >"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He
had
>
> >made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
> >When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army
> men
> >in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
> >Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up
> is
> >soldiers in your cup !"
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally
>
> >asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it
over
>
> >and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming
>
> >the door until St. Peter says, For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay
> >out.'"
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
> >one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
> >fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> >duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No,"
said
>
> >another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
> a
> >close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her
> >face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
> >said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's
> >the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

They believe in Santa Claus.....
They don't believe in Santa Claus......
They are Santa Claus

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last
question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of
mother's milk. The student in question had also partied the night before and
was hard put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test was at hand rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He was the only student to ace (100%)the exam.

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever.
Don't mess with us!

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees
President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together.
He introduces himself and asks President Bush,
"How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready
to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment,
"Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says,
"See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

5.Up on the mousetop
4.I saw mommy hiss at Santa Claus
3.Silent mice
2.Jingle balls
And cat's number one favorite Christmas song of all...
1.Wreck the halls

Nice one! :·)

Did they really capture saddam ?

http://healingiraq.blogspot.com/mach3.jpg

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

LOL...but I talked to Carson from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and he feels it was more of a chartruse, and NOT the best colour to be sporting when captured.

Question) How many Saddam Insanes does it take to change a light bulb?

Anwser) Only one....and Mr. Insane will kill any one who disagrees.

Now THAT is freakin FUNNY!!!! LMAO!!!

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated,Saddam has been captured a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay .................the restaurateur
Guday....................the half-Australian brother
Huray.....................the sports fanatic
Sashay...................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay...................the baseball player
Ojay.......................the stalker/murderer
Gulay.....................the singer/entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray.....................the country music star
Ecksray..................the radiologist
Puray......................the blender factory owner
Regay.....................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.....................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay......................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.......................the 300 pound sister
Dushay....................the clean sister
Phayray...................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...............the grocery store owner
Ollay........................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.....................the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay..... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.

You obviously aren't American, so I can see why you don't get it, it was just a post. Let it go.

No...the joke is that a terrorist like Hussein figured he could run and hide. The joke was on him!

Because this is a board...and lots of people read this board, and it made me laugh.

Saddam Hussein has been captured.

HOORAY for Susan!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. > I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th.Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.

Elyce

It's been said: Statistics never lie but liars often do statistics.

Did you know that 83% of all stats are made up! WOW!

Why the angel is on top of the tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

All I want for Christmas is...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

The little girl, whose name was Kitty, said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty....when you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws!

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see!'

'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. And when she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'

'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows....that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'

Now you done it skip lol

LOL Just like a man.
Probably should have listened more to his wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

That sounds very similar to our house! LOL

Very good :-D

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the

speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked

him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is

made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

"All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.We

don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

<Happy Holidays!!
>
> Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
> trip...but
> there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee
> elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was
> beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
>
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
> Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
> of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out;
> heaven knows where to... More Stress!
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
> toy
> bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa
> went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he
went
> to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was
> nothing
> to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
> hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
> opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
>
> The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
>
> And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the
> Christmas tree

ugh LOL

Here's another one: A blonde and a brunette are skydiving (I don't know why I like sky-diving jokes so much). When they reach the correct altitude, they jump. The blonde jumps first and pulls her rip cord (surprisingly enough) and the chute opens. Then the brunette jumps and pulls her cord. Her chute doesn't open. She flies past the blonde who is floating gracefully back to earth. The blonde sees her and gets angry. She says "Oh, so you want to race, huh?" and she throws off her parachute...

That was good Chris

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12
Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus
On the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name:
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

Christmas Cookies

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookie:

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Three men were sky-diving one day and they were pretty scared. Their instructor advised them if anything should go wrong to call out to Buddha. They were to say "Oh Buddha, oh Buddha" and they would be saved. Well, the first two jumped and landed safely on the ground. The third man jumped and pulled his rip cord. The parachute didn't open! He called out to Buddha: "Oh Buddha, oh buddha!" At once, a hand came down and caught him. "Thank God," he said and he was dropped...

A man was putting shingles on the second storey roof of his house when he slipped. As he was falling, he cried out to God: "Help me, please!". Just as he cleared the edge of the roof, his beltloop caught a nail. He climbed back up and said, "Nevermind God, I caught a nail."

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000
TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of
TEXAS.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.
The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It
reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

ÿ
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:
ÿ
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen........ .....calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy
of the TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

ÿ

I hope this helps all y'all!
ÿ
Billy Bob Gates

A swede, who looked like Bing Crosby should go to USA.
In the bus to the airport the driver was so excited: "Welcome mr Crosby" he said,

The swede answered: I'm not Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!

The man came to the airport at the check-in... the same scenario: "Welcome Mr Crosby, nice to meet you"

"Im NOT Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!
Same on the plane, the steward : "Welcome on board Mr Crosby"

"I'm NOT Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!!!!

Finally the man came to his hotel in NYC, and at the reception desk:
"Oh Very welcome Mr Crosby we are honored to have you as our guest"

The swede was very frustrated now "IM NOT BING CROSBY, I'M NILS NILSSON FROM SWEDEN!!!

Finally he came to his room and when he entered he saw a naked girl on the bed:
"Mmmmmmmm Mr Crosby, welcome , let me take care of you"

"I'M, I'M, I'M, I'M DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Jul!

Number system: SSN + 9 digit zip code. It's happening as we speak. By the way that would be 18 numbers- 3 sets of 6 maybe? Right hand or forehead? 666- The mark of the beast. I won't have to play that game though. Will you?

They wanted to have a baby, but try as the would, no baby.
After many test were run at the doctors office, one more was needed.
"Ole", said the doctor, "I want you to take this cup home, and bring me back a specimen".
"You betcha Doc." said Ole.
Two days the couple returned to the doctors office. But there wasn't anything in the cup.
"Doc" says Ole, "I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right. Lena here, She tried it with her left hand, she tried it with her right. Jeeze, Doc, she even tried it with her teeth in, she tried it with 'em out." sighed Ole. "We just couldn't get the cap off that little jar you gave us."

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credi! t card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics."