KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics.

They broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his
outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!!

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over and said, "Hey, I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief...

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

Bruce the translator
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

From time to time my publisher sends me on book tour, apparently
believing we'd break some sales records if I could only experience a
bit more sleep deprivation. I fly from town to town, baffling news
announcers with my presence. They all seem amazed that anyone as
inarticulate as am I can claim to be a writer.

The schedule in a typical city starts with morning TV and ends with a
signing in the evening. I'll sit for several hours at a table piled
high with my books, cheerfully greeting people as they slide past me,
averting their eyes as if one of us is doing something shameful. At
closing time, the manager often comes up and counts the books,
sometimes astounded by the fact that not only have I not sold any, but
that apparently a few of his customers slipped in with their own
copies and left them on the table when I wasn't looking.

By the time I get back to the hotel, the kitchen is often closed.
Thus I found myself not long ago in a bar in Portland, ordering
dinner. (Portland is a city in both Maine and Oregon. Driving across
town must be brutal.) Some other men were sitting there with me,
trying to have an argument but encountering difficulties because one
of them spoke only Spanish, while the other spoke only German. I
offered to help translate, though I don't speak either of these two
languages.

The Spanish-speaking guy turned to me and gesticulated, pouring out a
torrent of words at such a rapid clip I had trouble keeping up with
him. When he was done, I nodded and turned to the German. "His name
is Mr. Rica."

The German drew himself up. "Klaus," he responded stiffly.

"Costa Rica," the Spanish guy corrected.

"His name is Costa Rica," I duly reported.

The Spanish guy vigorously shook his head. "No. Costa Rica...home."

"Then what is your name?" I asked, shouting so he'd understand. I
pounded on my chest. "I am Bruce. What is your name?"

"I am...German," the Spanish guy responded.

"I am German," the German guy interjected.

Well, we had really gotten off track. "Your name is Costa Rica," I
declared to the Spanish guy. I pointed to Klaus. "He is German."

The Spanish guy appeared delighted. "You? German?"

"Yes. I am German."

"His name is Klaus," I explained.

"Yes. I am Klaus," the German guy agreed.

This mystified Mr. Rica. He pulled out a business card for each of
us. I examined it in wonder. His first name was, in fact, "German."

"Your name is 'German'!" I cried.

"Si," German responded.

"I am German," the German guy reminded us.

"No, you're not German the way he is German," I clarified.

"I am German," Klaus insisted.

The bartender wandered over. "Hey buddy, would you quit yelling?" he
asked me.

"This man is German," I told him, pointing to Klaus. Klaus nodded
vigorously. "And this man is from Costa Rica, but his name is
'German'. Isn't that interesting?"

"Why would he have a German name if he is from Costa Rica?" the
bartender demanded.

I shook my head. "Not a German name, his name is 'German'."

"I am 'German'," the man from Costa Rica agreed.

"I am German," Klaus stated.

The bartender looked at us blankly.

"You're thinking of it wrong," I told him. "Like me, my name is
Bruce, but I am a Scot."

"Your name is Scott," he responded stupidly.

"Exactly wrong!" I hooted. "See? So I am not Scott, but I am a
Scot. He," I continued, pointing to the man from Costa Rica, "is
German, but he is not German, his name is 'German'."

"Oh, his name is German," the bartender said.

"Right!"

"But he's not German."

"Exactly!"

"He has a German name, though."

"No, that's the thing, his name is not German at all. Well, unless
it is. A 'German' could even be a Scot, for all I know."

For some reason, this last statement apparently enraged the
bartender, which is why I found myself sitting in a hotel lobby,
trying to explain to German and Klaus why we were ejected from the
bar.

I got the feeling a few things were lost in the translation.

ROFL@harley! I think that old lady moved in my house too.

A very weird thing has happened! A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she has come from or how she got there. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body, this is very rude. I have tried screaming at her but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while I find a fiver stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the Post Office and draw £50 and a couple of days later its all gone. I certainly don’t spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady is stealing from me.

You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it.

And money isn’t the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate – especially ice-cream. She must have a really sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she’s really piling on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my cupboards when I’m not at home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit.

She gets into my mail, newspaper and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she does something really sinister to the volume controls on my television, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mutters and whispers.

She’s done other things – like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even make my bed higher so that getting in and out if it is a real challenge.

She has taken all the fun out of clothes shopping. When I try something on she stands in front of the changing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my passport photo taken, and as the camera shutter clicked she jumped in front of me!

Now NO-ONE is going to believe that the picture if that old lady is me.

Chalk another one up for the girls. LOL Your turn guys. ;•)

A man came home from work one day and found total mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard.
When he went inside, the mess was even worse. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She smiled and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the heck I do all day?"
"Yes," he said, baffled.
"Well," she said, "today I didn't do any of it!"

Ouch Linda LOL

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,  So "you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God," the woman continued, "and look at this; here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished; but this bottle of wine didn't break!  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.  I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil.  Don't mess with
them.

Picture of The President of the USA

Caption: "Um sir... um.... nevermind"

When you have an "I hate my job" day,try this.On your way home from work,stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a johnson and johnson rectal thermometer,be sure you get this brand.when you get home,lock your doors,draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you won't be disturbed...Change into something comfortable and lie down on the bed.Open the package and remove the themometer.Now carefully place it on the table so that it will not become chipped or broken.Take out the literature and read it carefully.You will notice that in small print there is a statement,"every rectal thermometer made by johnson and johnson is personally tested" Now close your eyes and repeat 5 times out loud "I am sooooooooooo glad i do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson!!!!

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a
good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a
chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the
farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

LOL@jestone! I like that one.

There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!

You go, daddyO....well said!

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."

The Real Man Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.



6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.



7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?



9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They’re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"



10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.



11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.



12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.



How to Score...

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

LOL Amen & amen.

A man walks up to the checkout counter at the local store.

He buys:

1 can of soup

1 bar of soap

1 bottle of water

1 TV dinner

The checkout girl looks at him and says, 'So..you're single.'

'How did you know that?' he asks.

The girl replies 'Cause you're freakin' ugly!'

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A young man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Maine.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather.....

"Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean??"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,

"I told you before: those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them." Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to go visit friends in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".....

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted....

"COLDWATER, go lay down!!"

Oh my God, jestone. Thanks, I don't remember the last time when I laughed so hard.....Thanks...;-)

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.
What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see
reels 2, 3 & 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue w is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for
windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in
the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word.
RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman

the G.O.O.D. job one sounds way too familiar harley LOL

More truth than poetry Harley. LOL

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

A bum walked up to me on the street and said he hadn't had a bite all week....So I bit him.

epilogue:

1) Got arrested

2) Had to be tested...

3) 3 months probation...

4) Had to attend 'Anger management' course...

5) 100 hours of community service...

6) Charged with assault...

7) Slaped with a law suit...

8) Lost my job because of all the jail time..

9) I'm apparently now the girlfriend of a woman named Big Bert....

10) I've lost all will to EVER be literal about any joke...

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians"

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says,
"This is nice and soft as a
bunny, strong but gentle, and
it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

most all of the jokes we are getting are awesome...please remember to kepp them clean!!! this is a PUBLIC bord,....THANK YOU in adavance :)

This is a story of the Bee
Whose sex is very hard to see
You cannot tell the he from she
But she can tell and so can he

The little Bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of Bee's!

(Author unknown)

There is a new virus. The code name is "Work".
If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.

Dear Bubba,
This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
 
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
 
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
 
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mama
 
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

George Bush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the
American people.

Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Sues' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already
forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can
you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx's Answer: It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer: It was a simple biomechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out

Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice. On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front, on his left his very successful son on the Time's cover. Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That's when my Dad said, "God, that's all we needed!"

In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower,and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

Fancy a quick drink?
Beer, as all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on the yeast cells, then defecating. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

Make mine a double...
The worlds strongest beer is 'Samuel Adams' Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.

Just in case you were thinking of driving...
Modern breathalyzers work on a clever electrochemical principle. The subject's breath is passed over a platinum electrode, which causes the alcohol to bind with oxygen, forming acetic acid. In the process it loses two electrons, a process that sets up a current in a wire connected to the electrode. The higher the concentration of alcohol in the breath, the greater the electrical current, which can be read by a simple meter to indicate intoxication levels.

Party Animal...
Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his 'bachelor party'.

Alcoholism in America...
Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest. Now there's a big surprise all round!Interesting fact

The saying 'Mind your P's and Q's' comes from the time when alcoholic beverages were served/sold in Pints and Quarts. Thus, to mind your P's and Q's meant to be careful how much you drank.

Well, if that's the law...
It is always helpful to have a law that clearly defines when a person is legally intoxicated. In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

Toddlers...
The term 'toddlers' originated in England. There were impurities in the drinking water that disallowed the water to be used for drinking. A common alternative drink was beer (it was cheep, plentiful and the water used to make it was treated during the initial boiling during brewing). Toddlers, just weaning off of mothers milk were unaccustomed to the effects of beer. This coupled with the fact that they were just learning how to walk really made them toddle.

Dispelling the stereotypes...
In the mid 70's, Australians were the 3rd biggest beer drinker in the world. (behind Germany and Belgium). In the late 90's, they don't even get into the top ten!

well!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get that problem all the time too.
I am still waiting for the info on how to fix it if it arises again

LOL

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error"
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

http://www.chw.cz/~xnet/okoun/bounce.mpg

Sometimes man must do a strange things for a drink :)

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