This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see
a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball.
So he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but
I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect ?"
The man said
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's
in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore.
One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me
three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S.
The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have
all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish
was to have sex with the mermaid.
She said, 'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"
2 Cajun women were visiting when water started to flood their living room.They decided to go upstairs,still running their mouths.The water just kept rising and rising.The 2 women make their way to the roof of the house still running their mouths.The water rose until it was level with the eave of the house.One woman watched a hat floating in the water.She said to her friend,look at that hat.It floats out a little piece and comes to the eave of the house and floats out again,her friend still running her mouth.The 1st lady still watching the hat.The 2nd lady said Honey child don't worry bout that hat,that's my husband.I told him come hell or high water he was goona mow that yard...
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.His mother decided he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said,Well Leroy it isn't Christmas and we don'thave the money to just go out and buy any thing you want..So why don't you write to Jesus and ask for one instead.
After a temper tantrum,his mother sent him to his room.There, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your friend, Leroy
Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of a boy he was (brat).So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your's truly,Leroy
Well Leroy looked way down deep in his heart.He knew he had been terrible and was undeserving. He crumpled up the letter,threw it in the trash can and went outside.He aimlessly wandered and found himself in front of a Catholic Church.He finally went inside and knelt down:lookng around not really knowing what to do.
Leroy finally got up and looked at the statue in the foyer.All of a sudden he grabbed the statue running home.Leroy hid the ststue under his bed and wrote this letter:
I got your mama.If you ever want to see her again give me a bike.
Signed,You know who
3 Ducks got arrested and appeared in court before the judge
The Judge looks at the first duck and asks him what is your name? Quack said the duck, What did you get arrested for daid the judge"" Blowing bubbles in the pond said the duck
The judge looks at the Second duck and asks What is your name?? Quack Quack said the second duck The judge asks What did you get arrested for?? Blowing bubbles in the pond said the duck
The judge looks at the Third duck ands says Let me guess Your name is Quack Quack Quack right asks the judge??
No said the Third duck My name is Bubbles
A man was walking along the beach one day when he stumbled across a lantern. He rubbed the lantern and a Genie came out. The Genie said to the man "I'm in a very bad mood and tired of granting wishes. I'm only going to allow you one wish, so what is it?" The man thought for a moment and said to the Genie "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am afraid to fly. I want you to build a bridge so that I can drive there". The Genie grew angry and said to the man "Are you insane? Do you know how much steel and concrete that would take? That's impossible, wish for something else." The man thought some more then said, "O.K., I want to understand women's feelings and emotions." The Genie quickly replied, "Would you like that highway two lanes or four lanes." sorry Ladies...
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.