Are the explorer and the woman the same person?

An explorer was captured by a tribe whose Chief decided that the woman should die. The Chief was a very logical man and gave the explorer a choice. The explorer had to make a single statement. If the statement was true she would be thrown over a high cliff, if it were false she was to be eaten by lions.
What statement did the explorer make that forced the Chief to let her go?

the vowels. 'a' in glass, 'e' in jet etc

what page do I turn to for the answer?

Here's one. All of us are different creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set, another you'll find in jet. One of us you'll find in tin, and a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

Yesterday was Dec. 31 and it was your birthday. You turned 18 on that day, therefore on Dec. 31 of this year you will turn 19 and of next year 20.

The day before yesterday i was 17. Next year i will be 20. How is this possible?

correct.

She was a window cleaner and jumped from the outside to the inside?

Either she landed on the balcony or on the 5 floors tall building accross the alley.

Through the window.
A woman stands looking through the window on the 6th floor of an office building. Suddenly, overcome by an impulse, the woman opened the window and leapt though it. It was a sheer drop outside the building to the ground. She did not use a parachute or land in water, or any special soft surface. Yet the woman was completely unhurt when she landed. How could this be so?

correct.

because that's as high as he can reach, the button for the 7th floor.

no. It goes to the top. (he catches it from there in the morn)

Could it be the elevator doesn't go any further than the 7th floor.

Lets start off with one considered to be a classic puzzle:
The man in the elevator. A man lives on the tenth floor of his building. Everyday he catches the elevator down to the ground floor and goes to work. On the way home he always takes the elevator to the seventh floor and walks the remaining flights of stairs to his apartment on the tenth. Why does he do this?

LOL!! 0;-D

they spot a huge herd of young and crispy cows. Son Bull gets all excited,
scratches ground, honks and, during some frolic leaps and jumps, he exclaims,

"DDD-dd-daddy dhere dhere - let's run down and serve some of dhem !!"

"Oh Bullcheeks, you overclocked teenypopper, NO we'll walk down and serve them all -
one thing yet from a lifetime's wisdom, you shalt the heck effort the pleasance to drop
a few friendly words, every after. Those are Ladies, got me."

"Yay yay !!!" *hoppel hop* "All what you say, my daddy !"

Done as planned - they part to begin
working through the herd from opposite sides ...
After a while you cAn only hear them yet.

Father Bull from the left:

"Merci, Madame." ...
"Merci Beaucoup, Madame." ...
"Merci, vous êtes très sexy, Madame." ... Merci, Madame." ...

Son Bull from the right:

"Mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame
mercimadame pardonpapa mercimadame mercimadame ..."

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see that he went through at work so one day when he saw a Pixie at the bottom of his garden he made a little wish:
“Little Pixie, I go to work everyday and work hard for eight hours while my wife just stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.”
His wish was granted.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He got up, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches and then drove them to school. On the way home he picked up the dry cleaning and stopped at the bank to draw out some cash. Then he shopped for the groceries, drove home, put them away, paid a few bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat’s litter tray and walked the dog.
It was already 1.00pm so he hurried home to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick the kids up and got into an argument with them on the way home. Then he gave them snacks and milk and got them organised to do their homework while he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing salad vegetables, he breaded the pork chops and prepared fresh fruit for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen up. Filled up the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
By 9.00pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love (which he managed to do without any complaints!)
The next morning he awoke and immediately went down the garden to find the Pixie. He found him eventually, propped against a toadstool and he said to him
“I don’t know what I was thinking of. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Pixie grinned and replied
“I feel that you have learned your lesson and I’ll be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night!"

my karma ran over my dogma

Following this simple advice I finally found the inner peace that I'd been searching for. The article offering the advice simply said "Finish all the things you have started." So I looked around the house to find all the things I had started yet hadn't finished..... and before starting work this morning, I have finished of a bottle of Barcadi, a bottle of Red Wine, a bottle of the Best Scotch, my Prozac, a handful of Valium, a small box of chocolates, 2 litres of Foster's lager, a can of cider, a large Joint and a bit of Cheddar Cheese.

Ypou hvae no idreaa hwo booldy gerat I fleel rgihgt aobuut now...yuu myay wnat to psass tihs on to aynmoee yuio feele issn needof smome Inen Poeace

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

There are three type of people in this world, those who can count and those who cant

Why did the boy put his radio in the fridge?

Because he liked cool music

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya
Basin,Boudreaux made a confession.We all been friends for tirty year
and
been tru a lot. Inever told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin
our
friendship, but I'm gay." Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say,
"We
kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause
we
didn't wanna embarrass you." Boudreaux thanked them for their
understanding
and continued, "Da reason I'mtollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and
I
got six munt to liv. Ya'll daonly family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets
and
I
wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge
up
dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot
and
Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their frie!
nd
as asked. Sho' nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them
out
when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say. "I
donno
what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot
admitted.
Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting. Make
it
rhyme." Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem
ashes
out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

I've seen that before, but it might have been in a different form... the one I remember had wife 1.0 crashing and refusing to turn back on whenever you tried to run online poker games.

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems.
A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Please help?

This may do the same for you. :-D

http://d21c.com/silent/turd.mp3

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

LINK

This is slow to load but worth the wait.

If you want a good reason, simply view the following. This is your brain on it.

http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/18702

poetry is evil. ~*~

It makes you wonder what would happen if a teacher tried to play the "name game" with a preschool class and some poor kid's name was Chuck, Mitch, Rich/Richie, or Daggett. Dennis doesn't sound so appealing either.

One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there.

The young man said,

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there
was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,

"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another
knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was
a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him, immediately.

*

Nimoy is a joke in Columbo neither ...
nice too, he always smiles or, says please
- good tactics to get me to doing something btw. ~*~

1. You're right. That isn't Kirk. Leonard Nimoy plays Spock.
2. Yes, it IS Leonard Nimoy. Want proof? http://www.game-revolution.com/download/goodies/bilbo.htm
Just go there.

since we know that he's not the kirk,
but t.j. hooker, we do not need any further explanations ~*~ :D

ROFL!! Thats hilarious! He has a good voice too! He obviously had fun making the video!

Is he worse than Leonard? I've heard rumors, but I just can't picture it. I sent this video to my friend Sarah and she is still trying to recover from the trauma. And she couldn't even hear the song either! Also, my friend Richie from back home watched AND heard it. He has yet to stop having nightmares and is afraid of the possibility that life could get any worse than that... in fact, I have myself lost all faith in Man because of it. What am I doing? Where am I? Get me out of this world!!!!!!! :-|

Howard Stern interviewed William Shatner this morning on his radio show. Shatner was pomoting a new album due to be released in October and they played clips. It was embarassing. Sooooooo bad.

I just couldn't resist putting this one up, so youi guys can honestly claim to have seen the worst music video ever made. After this you will be Enlightened, and all sense of depression and worthlessness you have will be cured by the sheer badness of this video and Spock's singing voice... and I don't mean bad-assness, just... badness. I exist to spread the word as I have been given a New Purpose. Watch the music video at the below link... I dare you. And yes, that really is Leonard Nimoy, aka Mr. Spock. If you don't know who he is this probably won't seem like as much of an embarassment.

http://www.straightnochaser.org/Ballad%20of%20Bilbo%20Baggins.mov

BUT WAIT!

To help influence your decision to commit this grand form of suicide, you may wish to read various commentaries on it. Fortunately I have assembled some from various websites!



"I warn you, the images are so odd, they will take up a permanent, unshakable residence in your head." - widepipe.org

"Not satisfied with his musical disembowling of the most popular sci-fi series of all time, Mr. Nimoy turned his substantial talents towards the works of an elderly British fantasy literature writer. In the course of the 2 minutes 18 seconds of horror that follow, not only is the plot of the entire novel given away but Nimoy knowingly lets the listener in on what Bilbo is really smoking in his pipe down in that wacky hobbit-hole. There is also a bassoon solo. It would take Jimmy Page and Robert Plant years of hard work to come up with worse Tolkien inspired drivel. Recently unearthed is the long-hidden music video to go along with the song. I don't think Bilbo was the only one puffin' on his pipe." - someone reviewing an album of Spock's

"Yes, Leonard Nimoy really sang that song. There is a video. It is the greatest video ever made. Watch it now." - Maker of the newgrounds.com video "One Ring to Rule them All 2"

"Freaking hilarious!" - chasem.net

"I had never heard that little ditty, and it was truly sad. :("
"The horror... The horror..."

"I am going to rip my testicles off after having seen that..."

"I thought it was kinda cute...."

"Nooo....! Nooooo....!!! It's not CUTE! IT IS NOT.... CUUUUTE! I will never be the same again! I am poisoned! Tainted! That has to be the most horrible, horrible, horrible thing I have ever seen... IT BURRRRRNS! GAHHHH! AARRRGGGHHH! KILL ME! KILLLL ME NOWWW!"

"CAUTION: Viewing this video has been known to cause grand mal seizures, uncontrollable projectile vomitting, and cancer of the soul."

"How can you NOT like this video? I'm addicted! I need to see it at least once a day. I want to know if Peter Jackson will use this song when he makes "The Hobbit" movie."

- readers of "Kestrel's Nest"

"Somewhere along the road of his career, someone convinced Leanord Nimoy it would be a good idea to sing a little jingle about Bilbo Baggins and his adventures in Middle Earth. What resulted was something that could only ever have sprouted life in the 70's. They decided to call it "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". It's one of those things that is both funny and disturbing at the same time. If you want to witness what is most likely Leanord Nimoy's biggest embarrasment of his career, one that he probably still looks back on and thinks, why the hell did I ever do that" - some guy named Kevin's weblog

"Category: really bad music. Leanord Nimoy's singing is infamous among Trekkies (not to mention William Shatner's), but who knew there was video evidence? Just to remove whatever semblance of sanity you thought you had left, GR proudly presents our friend Mr. Spock singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins." Most illuminating" - game-revolution.com

"The rumor is that one of the dancers also played a part in a Star Trek episode." - tolkeincollector.com

"Goodness, I'm sure he's happy most of the world has forgotten this!" - guy on nineinchnerds forum

"After seeing this, no star trek actor ever has the right to complain about being typecast ever again. You know you love it." - some guy whose webpage also contains an old commercial done by Will Ferrel

...


In other news... if you want to see something that's funny without being just plain bad, you can always watch the greatest Lord of the Rings parody of all time:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/88286

Also check out how that was made!

http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/155304 under forging the one ring. Funniest thing you will ever see!

OLD VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm

and well fed.



The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in

the cold.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



*********************************************
*****



MODERN VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press

conference and demands to know why the ant should be

allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and

starving.



CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of

the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in

his comfortable home with a table filled with food.



America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this

be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper

is allowed to suffer so?



Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,

and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being

Green."



Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration (for a donation fee

of $20,000) in front of the ant's house where the news

stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for

the grasshopper's sake.



Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with

Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back

of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."



Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-

Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the

summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate

number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay

his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the

government.



Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper

in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried

before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a

list of single-parent welfare recipients.



The ant loses the case.



The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up

the last bits of the ant's food while the government

house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old

house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain

it.



The ant has disappeared in the snow.



The grasshopper is found dead in a d*** related incident

and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang

of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.





MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

hehehe.. that is kewt Foxy..