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Can a blind man be afraid of the dark?
When blind people have a life threatening experience do their lives flash before their ears?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Has anyone ever been 'illegally blind'?
Can a blind person feel blue?
Do blind people work on-site?
Is it impolite to stare at blind people?
But this one really says something:
If we were all blind, would there still be racism?
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.
Strike while the .........................bug is close.
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie
counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives
and spoons have no calories.
ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet Which Helps You Cope With Stress
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during
the day.
Definitions From A Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space... if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also
"tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dogs Compared To Men
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs do not play games with you--- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
How Dogs And Men Are The Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Why Men Are Better Than Dogs
Men only have two feet to track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Restaurants allow men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Men Mean When They Say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I got a lot done."
really means..."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means..."I wonder if the lawn needs mowing today."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
really means..."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"You know how bad my memory is."
really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?'
really means..."What did you catch me at?"
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means..."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means..."No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
"I broke up with her."
really means..."She dumped me."
What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee Doodle.
Why is the silkworm not raised in America?
Because Americans get silk from the rayon which is larger and gives more silk.
Where do American ghosts go on holiday?
Lake Eerie.
What happened when two American stoats got married?
They became the United Stoats of America
Where does an American cow come from?
Moo York.
Who rides a dog and was a Confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E. Flea.
"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."
An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have you lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American.
"Not yet, m'dear," said the villager wisely.
What's an American cat's favorite car?
A Catillac.
Why are American schoolchildren extremely healthy?
Because they have a good constitution.
Two neighbours were having a chat across the garden fence.
"My son's learning to play football," said one.
"Oh, really," said the other. "What position does he play?"
"The coach says he's a drawback."
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."
An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said,
"When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."
When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"
You still haven'nt told me how long the Rope or string is,without using a tape guide.Ask long Jonh he has the so called big IQ.It could be any length if you find the centre it's double the length from middle of the string to the end. :o)
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor
"Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no
fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten
pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no
fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her
to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and
says "Big fart no Chief!"
When does the circus start,i can't wait,i thought that Christmas just passed,i wonder who Santa is this year,is he still alive i heard through the grape vine,that bozo's got to go.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"
"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Subject: Re: Latest and Funniest Joke I have yet to hear
LOL baby.....yes but they just asking for advice on properties they are interested in hehehe....and i got you on speed dial on phone so you will never be witht a call :) I love you always my sweet Purple
I see some off-topic posts are appearing on the "Jokes" board here however I will allow them at this time.
And yes Steve I was strongly contemplating not coming on here any more for several reasons...however i see no reason to let a couple of ill-tempered fools with too much time on thier hands to run me off. BTW this continuous mention of Bill posting under my name has given me a tremendous laugh...and I am still waiting for the "Solid proof" of this.
Now enough of this....if these off-topic posts continue the individuas will be banned from this DB indeffinitely
Let him dream hun. BTW I get phone calls from Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez every night. LOL. (although yours are all I ever want or need baby) :)
A co-worker shared a story with me one day...he said...."My grandmother had passed away, she was 104 years old. So he went to the flower shop and bought some flowers and the clerk at the store asked what they were for. He relied..."My grandmother passed away, he was 104." The clerk said "Wow 104...how did she die?" he looked at the clerk and said "How did she die?!?!...she was 104...she wrecked her Harley down at Bike Week" LOL
My brother and I were in rural Utah bow hunting. We were covered in camouflage from head to toe. We even had on cover scent to mask our "Human" odor. We had to go into town during the afternoon so we stopped in and bought hamburgers at a local diner. So, there we are waiting in line, wearing camo, and smelling "BAD". Someone actually, asked us, "So, ya'all been huntin?" Nope, this is our evening wear...
We couldn't stop laughing because we had listened to Bill Engvall and his "Here's your sign" monologue!
It seems there is an individual out there who continues to have derranged illusions that they are receiving phone calls from me. LOL I have yet to be able to stop laughing at this one!!
I must say my dear Purple and I have gotten huge laughs at these rediculous accusations
ONE POINT DARES. 1 - Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2 - Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time -.
3 - Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4 - Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5 - To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
6 - When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7 - Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8 - Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9 - While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open
THREE-POINTS DARES
1 - Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2 - Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3 - Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.
4 - Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight -.
5 - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1 - At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.
2 - Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3 - For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4 - Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5 - After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one
hour.
6 - While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7 - In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8 - At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9 - In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10 - Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11 - Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12 - Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it".
13 - Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14 - Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc - during a very important conference call.
15 - Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16 - Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17 - Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18 - During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19 - Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should
get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once
in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me
there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things
are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions
or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins ?
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here
is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
Okra Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on
the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra
can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from MoonPies.
Chitlin Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times
they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.
A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins,
be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius,
and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best
with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
Boll Weevil Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with
the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into
the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in
their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
Moon Pie Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going
to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
Possum Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it"
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.
Crawfish May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer
the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly
attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
Collards Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences
of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
Catfish Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with
one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Grits Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like
to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go ? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go omewhere where they
have all these things, that serves you well.
Boiled Peanuts Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and
loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because
you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that
people will always pull over and stop for you.
Butter Beans Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter
what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
Armadillo Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you
are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you ? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum
is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
1. A man was walking through a store parking lot one day and noticed a man at his car with a coat hanger in the window. Without thinking the first man stopped and asked.. "Lock your keys in your car did ya?" Without missing a beat the other guy replied..."No I just washed it and now I am hanging it out to dry...HERE'S YOUR SIGN"
2. A lady was traveling with friends from Austin to Dallas. But when they arrived at the Dallas airport her luggage had been mislaced. She went to the lost luggage department to report the missing luggge. The lady behinounter said "May I help you?" and she replied "Yes my luggage is missing." The lady behind the counter then asked her..."Has your plane landed yet?" Frustrated the woman replied..."No I am having an out of body experience and just wanted to check on it."....HERE'S YOUR SIGN
3. A guy was driving home one day from work and got caught bhind an 18 wheeler that had become lodged underneath an overpass. As he and the trucker were standing by the rig talking and waiting on the tow truck a State Trooper arrived and asked the trucker..."Got your truck stuck did you? The trucker turned to the trooper and responded..."No, I was delivering this overpass and I ran out of gas."....HERE'S YOUR SIGN
4. A lady was stopped on the side of the road with her hood of her car up and smooke pouring from the motor. A man soon stopped and made sure she was all right...then...you guessed it....asked the ultimate DUH question...."Car broke down huh?...she then replied..."No, the car wanted a cigarette so i pulled over." HERE'S YOUR SIGN
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."
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