That kinda matches my saying: Happy Wife, Happy Life!

absolutely hillarious!!!! LOL

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, right on the elephants foot. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no."

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 90s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

A man was standing in the middle of a road with a box of elephant powder in his hands. He was spreading it all over the road when a policeman walked up to him.

POLICEMAN: What are you doing?

MAN: Spreading elephant powder around.

POLICEMAN: There are no elephants round here!

MAN: Well, it must be good stuff then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.

Then in the second half a centipede came on - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.

As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,

'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.

"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a man leading an elephant. A lady said to him:

'Where are you going with that elephant?'

The man said, I'm taking him to the zoo'.

The next day the lady saw the man still leading the elephant.

'I thought you took him to the zoor, she said.

'I did take him - today I'm taking him to the cinema.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The lion roared, *Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied,'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that the elephant threw the lion across a tree and jumped on him. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who saw a gardener pushing a wheelbarrow full of elephant manure?

'What are you going to do with that?', he asked.

'Put it on my gooseberries', the gardener said. 'Oh,' said the man, 'I usually put custard on mine.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who took an elephant to the cinema?

The manager expected it to go on the rampage, but it didn't. Afterwards he said to the man, I am really surprised; your elephant was very quiet and actually seemed to enjoy the film.'

'Yes,' said the man, 'I was surprised, too: he hadn't enjoyed the book.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A party trekking along a jungle path found their way blocked by an elephant who was sitting down and would not move.

They cut a path around him, but a little later there was another elephant sitting down, and another path had to be cut.

The party leader protested: 'I don't think it's funny to find elephants in our way.'

'And we,' replied the elephant, 'don't think it's funny to be disturbed when we are playing book-ends!'


A man was standing at the customs office with a large crate. 'Anything to declare? Jewellery?

Alcohol? Livestock, etc?' 'Nothing', replied the man.

They opened the crate, and there was an elephant with two slices of bread, one in each ear!

'I thought you said no livestock!' said the customs officer.

The man looked at him with an honest expression and replied: What's it to you what I have in my sandwiches?!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small girl visits the zoo for the first time. Afterwards, she says to her mother,
'I saw the elephants.

What do you think they were doing?

Picking up peanuts with their vacuum cleaners.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty elephants were standing in single file, all facing the same way.

How many of them could say, My trunk is touching another elephant's tail?'

None: elephants can't speak!

just minus the grey

Who managed to get a pic of my twin??? lol

lol too funny :)

Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

LOL dano very funny....great to have you back on BK :)

'

'
is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of
hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing ?"

"I'm a chiropractor,
and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ?"

I want to thank everyone that has voiced thier opinion regarding the link submitted which has raised a few questions. If I get the chance I will go to the local library tomorrow and view it for myself.

Let's see if Princess gets any more complaints.

If you can't see it try going to a friends with a PC, or a library where they have them too.
Then you can decide if you want to put it back.
Then I will let my wife check it out. May not be so bad with a warning.

No heart attack here...just wet my pants!!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today: it's
already tomorrow in Australia.

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

no, nothing that needs deleted - it's pretty cool. (Yea, shocked the heck out of me also!)

Wow..that bad? Should we delete it? Kam would like opinions since she can't see it either. It must be something!!

Where To Place Prospective Job Applicants



Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they
are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

Having seen it I can say I agree with whoever it was about the heart attacks!

We still can't see it but it must be OK. One guy wrote he was afraid it would cause heart attacks. Don't want any of those. :)

:)

Very funny, Luis!

The link is a white screen on my webtv Luis. Maybe people with a pc can pull it up. There seems to have been an objection but we can't figure out what it's about.

LOL sweety I love those bad day situations...very funny :)

Little Birds

Do you know someone who seems to know everything?

When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."



Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.

Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.



They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

Unusual order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.



Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.



Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.



Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .



What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
The waiter.



Waiter, waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
The butterfly stroke by the look of it sir.



Waiter, waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird'nest soup.

 Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I was just joking AD..they are all funny!!

The orthopedic surgeon Jane worked for was moving to a new office, and she was helping transport many of the items. She sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, with his bony arm across the back of her seat.

Jane hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, so she looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you this lady, but I think it's too late!"

hmmmmmmmm

no

:) but it was funny, no? ;)

LOL@AD

You best duck and run for cover!!

This list has come across my path... I don't know of it's
accuracy, but it sure has some interesting (and humorous) info:

Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their
elbow.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.

<AD ducks and runs for cover>

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed
the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one,
"don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

Halloween Two-Liners



Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Thanx UG

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to save the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word:

"comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

("com-for-da-bul").

An old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains
before, having lived his whole life in the desert. Thus,
when railroad tracks were built near his claim, and he was
visiting their curious site by walking down the ties, he was
oblivious to the sound of the train whistle, because it
meant nothing to him.

He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a
glancing blow, but it did result in some minor injuries, a
few broken bones, and some bruises, requiring several weeks
in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the
hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started
whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby
closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump
of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen to
find out what was happening. When he saw the lump of metal
he asked the prospector, "Why'd you do that to my brand new
teakettle?"

The prospector replied with complete sincerity, "Because...
you gotta kill them things when they're small."

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”

Humor Banned On The Net
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Washington DC
April 1, 1999

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet, bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic communications."

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humour on Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians in Washington. Those clowns have the audacity to think they have some sort of right to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be returned to the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation NoJoke,' throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete' operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with computers. So, we've got a job to do." The General added, "This is sure a hellofa lot easier than trying to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of computer geeks; like shooting fish in a barrel. We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes, taking out the system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and untraceable."

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been able to avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice before it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet! If someone tries to tell you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken cross the road?" reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question. Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups. Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer. Remember, there may be an SOB with your name on it.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-
dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your tray so
the main man can put us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen so I outrank you....Tray-up, bitch."

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
hazard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pol itically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food bowl)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C heap

After just one year of marriage,Jane filed for divorce.

A friend, trying to console her said that you never know
what a man's like until you live with him.

"I should have left him right after the honeymoon.Not only
did he not take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -
all we did was drive through a car wash twice, real slow"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three goobers, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave. Bless
his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, " Miles from Georgia"