ScarletRose:

When I Say I'm Broke............I'm Broke

A little humor to start your week with.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good morning, "said the young man."If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

no comment

http://bradley.weblogs.us/images/Church%20sign.jpg

gee,the thought never occured to me:

http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/318763/2/Funny_Sign.jpg

nobleheart: And somewhere I have an old-fashioned photograph (sorry, no digital scan) of a sign at a gas station that said "HLEP WANTED". I think that guy needed more hlep than he realized! lol!

nobleheart: I took this one last weekend:
http://thad.com/temp/MyPhotos/Hikes/MF/Thad/slides/How%20Can%20You%20Park%20on%20BOTH%20Sides!.html

I'd love to see someone actually parked on BOTH sides. ;-)

how about this:
http://www.allfunpix.com/humor/pics2/dip.jpg

lets keep it clean

volant: oh now thats funny lol

volant: LOL

volant: *giggle*.. I like that..

volant:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York. "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, they're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares .. Now what do we tell
them for Christmas?"

whatdidyousay: Hey I resemble those remarks! LOL.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

Thad: This is the other.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=48

Thad: Yes there are two of them. Let me hunt the other and I'll post it as well.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=331

Purple: Aren't there some fellowships specifically for dirty jokes? Instead of just continually telling everyone not to post their dirty jokes, please point them toward appropriate locations. I know this won't help pawns, but it'll encourage them to get higher memberships.

Imagine someone's 11 yr. old daughter asking her mom if she can log on and read the jokes on the BK Joke Board. Does your joke allow her to say "yes" and feel comfortable? Thanks for understanding.

the lady & the plumber
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
-=-=-=-
the lady & the bad parrot
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father,I have a problem.My husband was a ship captain & when he died,I inhereted his parrot.but she only know how to say one thing."
"What does sshe say?",the priest asked.
She says "Hi,I'm a slut.Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your talking female parrot over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray with th prayer beads and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrot will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrot to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots.
She says "Hi,I'm a slut.Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "throw your beads away.Our prayers have been answered."

Two Scots were taking up watch by Loch Ness hoping to see the monster. One was an old hand at the game while the other was there for the first time.

Billy: So when can we expect to see Nessie, Jock?

Jock: Ah, lad, that's usually about halfway through the second bottle of whisky.

"Hello. Is this Terry Miller?"

"No. This is the Post Office."

"Oh. Do you have the same number as the MIllers?

"No..."

"Then why did you pick up the phone?"

playBunny: I was almost sure you were going to say Smile.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Please people, remember: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown ...

But it only takes four muscles ...

to extend your arm and slap the idiot round the ears.

playBunny: Told the Teacher that me and Mom spent to much time "Grossing"

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30 Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

ClayNashvilleTn: LOLOL. I won't ask why, but my curiousity is now most like.

playBunny: OHHHHHHHHH have me and the wife ever been embaressed.

The father of an inquisitive son had finally had enough:
"You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I'd continually pestered my Dad with questions like you?"

His son's immediate reply:
"You might have be able to answer some of mine."

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

CleverHunk: actually there is a kid that was born here in Australia that had an overproduction of the protein (I think it's a protein) that causes the same wrinkles as it does in that breed of dog. He is now about 9 years old and has just about grown into his 'wrinkles'.

CleverHunk: hehehe

http://www.greenapple.com/~jorp/amzanim/Wrinkles.jpg

long lost twins set 2:
bruno gerussi
http://www.canadiancopywriter.ca/brunogerussi.jpg
obelix
http://rallye.gaulois.free.fr/intro-obelix.gif

you have to find,on your own, a set of "long lost twins" (or triplets)as a joke.
heres my 1st two to start you & so you get the idea.
--
long lost twins set 1:
ET
http://www.originalalamo.com/images/et.jpg
kelsey grammar
http://media.mnginteractive.com/media/paper210/112504_grammar.jpg
-
long lost triplets set 2:
michael jackson
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38289000/jpg/_38289931_jackson150.jpg
ari
http://www.threemoviebuffs.com/miscreview/planetoftheapes3.jpg
phantom of the opera
http://www.doctormacro.com/Images/Chaney%20Sr.,%20Lon/Chaney%20Sr.,%20Lon%20(Phantom%20of%20the%20Opera,%20The)_01.jpg

Mrs. Jones puts a dish of food on the dinner table, and says to her husband, 'The 2 dishes I cook best are apple pie and beef stew.' He tastes the food, and asks, 'Which is this?'

harley:
sorry :)

Wow some of these jokes are sailing a bit close to the border! Please keep it family friendly

Try this one for size! .... Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" .... LOL!

playBunny:
That is so funny!thanks for sharing it!

nobleheart: I got to show that too my hubby lmao

oopps sorry foxy

nobleheart: OMG i almost chocked on my coffee.

michael jacson's next cosmetic surgery:
http://www.planetstern.com/pod/jackson.jpg

ArtfulDodger: It sure does lol !!!!!!

Foxy Lady: So my face fits in with this DB? ;)

ArtfulDodger: OMG whats funny is you look so cute.

hey AD I love your new jed clampett look.
hot dam granny,makes me want to run right out & jump in the C-ment pond.

Foxy Lady: Hey, here's a funny for you. My wife and I are watching "Finding Neverland" and look over at the baby infant seat in our downstairs.....and our little Yorkie is in it!!! lolol!!

 A guy walks into a bar and see's his buddy sitting there with a 12 inch lighter.
 " Hey, where did you get that" he asks.
 "You won't believe it, I was rubbing this beer glass and this genie pops out to grant me one wish"
 So the guy begs to try it himself.
He rubs the glass and sure enough....out pops the genie!
The genie grants him one wish.............
and as expected the guy wishes for " a million bucks".
After a few minutes the bar starts filling up with ducks.
The guy says " Wait a minute, I didn't ask for a million ducks".
His buddy replies " You think I asked for a 12 inch bic?"

ArtfulDodger: Are you a grouch? LOL

yoyudax: so that's my problem lol!