Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while



they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end! He sank to the bottom of the pool and

stayed there!



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled

Jim out and brought him to his room.



When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital

because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.



She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad

news", The good news is that you're being discharged because you

responded so rationally to a crisis! By jumping in the pool to save

the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The

bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so

sorry, but he's dead.



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

hahahaha.. you all are sooooooooooooooooo funny!

INVENTORAMF: hahaha

are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

the quick and the dead.

Summertop: www.joecartoon.com has gerbil in microwave.. frog in blender.. too funny! Oh and several more.. even one for you fishermen!! LOL

Bry: Our hero!!

hehehe.. too funny.... I just sent it out to all the ladies on my email list! LOL

spicieangel: hehehe.. oh those are good!

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"..

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Cr*p!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Ogopogo: Wow!! hahaha.. steady hands!! lol

Ogopogo: My highest right now is 54 meters!! LOL addicting yes.. haha

I got 8/10... ew.. errie..

I know my java beans from my fava beans!! and my slashers from my backslashers!! LOL

Ogopogo:

Ogopogo: *giggle*.. her dress was so pretty.. and her hair.. OM!! who fixed it for her.. I will have to go have mine done as well.. hehe..

Hey you!

wayney: hehehe.. I second that!!

wayney: hehe.. that is kewt.. ;)

BIG BAD WOLF: hahaha.. too funny

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know!

nobleheart:

Ogopogo: LMCAO!! that was a good one!

CurrentRiver: hahahaha.. The power of a woman!

FriendJosh: NOTHING comes to my mind either.. hehe

Hrqls: Yep! Hrqls.. you got it right..

13211311123113112211,

1113122113311
2132113212221,

3113112221232112111312211312
113211,

13211321321112131221123113112221131
11221131221,

111312211312111312311211131122
21121321132132211331222113112211,

311311222
1131112311311121321123113213221121113122113121
11322212311322113212221,

132113213221133112132113311211131221121321131
2111322211231131122211311123113321112132113222
11312113211,

Whew.. getting tough now.. hehe can't see the whole line at once.. LOL


:)

hehehe.. you all knew the pattern.. good for you!

1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221,
1113213211, 31131211131221...
What is the next number following this pattern??

:)

Thad: the rose is the center dot on the die.. the only dice that have that center point.. are the 1, 3 and 5.. the one has no petals meaning outter dots.. the 3 has two, and the 5 has four.. you simply add all the petals in the roll.

So.. for instance if you roll a 6, 6, 3, 2, 5 you would have 6 petals..
A roll of 1, 2, 2, 5, 5.. would = 8 petals..
A roll of 3, 3, 1, 3, 5.. would = 10 petals..

Thad: whoo hoo.. I got it.. only took me about 20 rolls to figure it out.. lol

that is kewt

skipinnz: hehehe.. so true!

hehehee.. Cute..

A Wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

"SOME TIMES BULLCRAP AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME."

Ohhhhhhh too funny!! I like number 30 and 27 and 24 and 21.. heck I like them all!! LOL

get a pump that shoots X amount of gallons out per min, then measure the amount dropped on the shoreline..

Then sit back and have some coffee on the deck over looking it.. and say.. what the Hell.. does it really matter how much water is in it? LOL

I have no clue!! LOL

hehehe.. that is kewt Foxy..

OMG!!

hahahaha.. Oh that was too kewl..

Got me good on that one!! OMG!!

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Have at least 5 cats in your car.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed, having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep s***."

hahaha :)

<Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. > I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th.Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.

Elyce

hahahaha.. oh!! what a laugh.. I shall have to remember that on upcoming holidays.

hehehe

hehehe.. I like #27.. about christmas.. :)

that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving
jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string.

Well said Chatty.. what is humor to some, isn't always humor to others.. we all should remember that. Thanks for the wisdom.. ;)

OMG!!! Hahahahaha.. oh that is bad!! LMCAO!!

You got me on that one!! and yes.. it is a good joke.. lol