1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.


2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.


3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.