User Name: Password:
New User Registration
Moderator: Purple , ScarletRose 
 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



Messages per page:
List of discussion boards
You are not allowed to post messages to this board. Minimum level of membership required for posting on this board is Brain Knight.
Mode: Everyone can post
Search in posts:  

14. August 2007, 07:38:02
Adaptable Ali 

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to
Heaven.

Upon
his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry
Forrest' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly
souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to
ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's Cool' said Forrest. 'What does the Entrance
Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked Forrest.
'The
first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter
'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a
year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those
questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for
me.'

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions
some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The
following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered
the questions, to which Forrest replied, 'I have.

'Well then,'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the
week start with the letter T?'
 
Forrest said, 'Today and
Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and
decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the
question.

'Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the
second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a
year?'

Forrest replied, 'Just 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at
that figure Forrest?'
 
'Easy' said Forest, 'there's the
second of January, the second of February right through to the second of
December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St
Peter looked at Forrest and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer
before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest.
'I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now
Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing
Matilda?'

Forrest replied: 'Of the three questions, I found
this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the
answer, Forrest?'

'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy' said Forrest
This
totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the
answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to
Forrest, asked 'Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT
answer?'

'Easy' said Forrest 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy
waited till his Billy boiled.'

And
Forrest entered Heaven...



15. July 2007, 12:06:17
Adaptable Ali 
A man has both ears ripped off in a rugby match and is rushed to the
Doctor.

The doctor says ' Well, your ear holes are OK so all we need to
do now is find you some donor ears'

A couple of days goes by and the doc
rings up the man and says'Good news.....I've found you some ears.'

The
man says 'what sort of ears are they?'

'Well' says the Doc,' One is from
a dog and the other is a pig's ear. But don't worry, you've got long hair so no
one will see them.'

So the Doctor stitches them on and asks the man how
they are, to which he replies...

'Well this dog's ear is amazing! I can
hear a whisper from ten miles away!'

The Doctor says 'what about the pig's
ear?'

and the man says...

'Ah, well...I'm getting a lot of crackling in
that one!'

11. July 2007, 11:06:44
Adaptable Ali 
Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it. 

4. July 2007, 01:45:50
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: This isnt a joke as such, it is an actual true letter........i hope it makes you smile either way lol
Rt Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007


Dear Secretary of State,


My
friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.


In your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which
is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.


I would
prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not
rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?


As
I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very
satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.  That is -
until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I
get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100?


I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about
£240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing
pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000
pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
million from your department.


Incidentally, I wonder if I
would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs
not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These
pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I
understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't  rear?


I am also considering the "not milking cows"
business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please
could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields?
Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I
seem to have several thousand hectares)?


In view of the
above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will
therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill.
 
 

 

30. June 2007, 15:32:43
Adaptable Ali 
For the Froggie speakers amongst you..................


A thief, in Paris , planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and  made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
 
He replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

 

29. June 2007, 13:56:52
Adaptable Ali 
Council Tax Revaluation

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
future wife but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
 nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........





Who'd live near Windsor Castle ?  
 

25. June 2007, 13:30:03
Adaptable Ali 
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available George
said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
shot
them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

18. May 2007, 08:01:44
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Italian logic


An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as
the
ground was too hard.

His only son Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in
prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his
predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad
because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I
am getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot.

If you were here,
my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the garden for me.


Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from
his son.


Dear Papa,

I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig
up that garden. That's
where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI and local police arrived and
dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to
the old man and left.

The same day the old man received another letter
from his son.


Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes
now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie






21. March 2007, 12:51:36
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:Good one.... where is that place?.... I have a pizza to deliver
ZZZ0100:

20. March 2007, 14:42:54
Adaptable Ali 
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a
new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all
slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied,
"I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around
the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"

1. March 2007, 10:28:10
Adaptable Ali 
Kids are Quick.....


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
 

 
    
  

22. February 2007, 16:09:30
Adaptable Ali 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
youngmothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

21. February 2007, 13:28:30
Adaptable Ali 
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg.



As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You
Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.


The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese,
you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. "


Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."


The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain.

18. February 2007, 19:04:07
Adaptable Ali 
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their
first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the
young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the
young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir,
I believe that would be giddy-up."

12. February 2007, 01:51:43
Adaptable Ali 
Modified by Adaptable Ali (12. February 2007, 01:52:00)
Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a
New nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They
Interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only
Worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office
And said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we
Just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get
thing backward. I told her
To give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24
four hour, but
She gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him.
I
Told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she
Gave
her twelve in one hour."

The doctor have barely finished his reasons when
the other doctor
Rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a
hurry?"
The doctor asked. "To see Nancy, I just instructed her to prick

Mr. Hill's Boil!"

24. January 2007, 11:30:17
Adaptable Ali 
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT
LADY 
 
 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man 
 opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another 
 seat. 
 This time the smile turned into a grin, so she
moved again. The man 
 seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the
man burst out 
 laughing, 
 she complained to the driver and he
had the man 
 arrested. 
 
 The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years 
 old) 
 what he had to say
for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it 
 was like this: When
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but 
 notice 
 her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint 
 Twins
are Coming' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign 
 that
said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to 
 smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 
 "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain 
 myself." 
 "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign 
 that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I 
 just 
 lost it." 
 
 "CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile
on your face and pass it on to

24. January 2007, 08:36:09
Adaptable Ali 

<span>A
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out
of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he
got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.

When
the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
he embezzled from me is.


<span>The
attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper and the bookkeeper
signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." 


<span>The
attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you
don't tell  him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed


<span>in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."


24. January 2007, 08:31:36
Adaptable Ali 
Beware confusing cause & effect....


 
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new
 
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was
 
a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
secrets.
 
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to
 
be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe
that

the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the

village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He

went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this
winter is
 
going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service
 
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
 
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
 
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the
man
 
at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very
 
cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to




 
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
> Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is
 
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, "Those  bloody  Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."

23. January 2007, 10:58:05
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
danheg:

22. January 2007, 13:08:57
Adaptable Ali 
<span>THE
FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
<span>

<span>After
an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on
nutrition and health:
<span>



<span>1.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>2.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>3.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>4.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
<span>



<span>5.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
<span>



<span>CONCLUSION:<span>
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.


22. January 2007, 12:40:22
Adaptable Ali 
A police officer pulled over a driver who'd been weaving in and out 

 of the lanes.

He approached the car window and said, 'Sir, I need you to blow

 into this breathalyser tube?

 

The man immediately reached into his pocket and produced a

doctor's note.

On it was written: 'This man suffers from  asthma. Please don't

 make  him perform any action that'll leave him short of breath.

 

The officer said, 'OK then, I need you to come and give a blood

sample.'

 

Straightaway, the man produced another letter.

  This one read: 'This man  is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause

 him to bleed in any way.'

 

So the police officer said, 'Right, I need a urine sample then.'

 

The man produced a third letter from his pocket.

 

  It read, "This man plays for  the English Cricket Team. Please

don't  take the piss out of him."

21. January 2007, 14:56:26
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Courtesy of my Dad lol
Modified by Adaptable Ali (21. January 2007, 14:56:56)
Some confidence inspiring wit from down
under...


 
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the
actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a
P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only
major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside
main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset
to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is
missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P:
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming
from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
 
 



19. January 2007, 14:11:23
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re: :-)
Pafl:

9. January 2007, 23:12:13
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
skipinnz: LOL, glad u enjoyed them lol

9. January 2007, 21:47:59
Adaptable Ali 
Modified by Adaptable Ali (9. January 2007, 21:48:22)

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give
up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found
one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a
pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand
over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then
stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy
walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole
said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You
mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
trip together to go right
now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was
patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then
he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still
stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let
the
Catholics
across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gallagher opened the
morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

Did you see the paper?"
asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.
"Where are ye callin' from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An
Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?

Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says,
"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike
said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight
with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one
end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she
say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




 


9. January 2007, 21:41:36
Adaptable Ali 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we
all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is
a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in
the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and
drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me.....I've
quit drinking!"

19. December 2006, 21:29:18
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
Cheri:

12. November 2006, 03:27:49
Adaptable Ali 
A jockey and his horse are in the starting blocks at Flemmington pumped up on nervous energy, ready to run the big one, then, the starter sounds and they're off!

As the jockey takes a small lead he's hit in the shoulder with some fruit mince pies, then some chocolates, next came some crackers and then some antipasto mix, finally, just as he was nearing the finish line, a bottle of bubbly hits him in the head and he's pipped at the post.

After he comes to and realises what has happened he storms off to speak with the steward...

"Sir" he says, "Sir. I must protest! I have been severely HAMPERED!"

8. November 2006, 11:54:30
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re: negative people
skipinnz:

4. August 2006, 09:02:18
Adaptable Ali 
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a GOLF term.

31. July 2006, 20:32:51
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
Gabriel Almeida:

24. July 2006, 16:28:08
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re:
Haridaspal: WOW your in India and you new we had been promoted

24. July 2006, 08:50:41
Adaptable Ali 
The older you are the funnier it gets...........
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in
Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one
another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the
widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him. Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes', or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First,
he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all
my heart. "The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me."
|

18. July 2006, 14:39:29
Adaptable Ali 
Subject: Re: dang roommates...
rednaz23:

Date and time
Friends online
Favourite boards
Fellowships
Tip of the day
Copyright © 2002 - 2024 Filip Rachunek, all rights reserved.
Back to the top