1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
"I'm sorry,
Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They
were cold so they
lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once
again, that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides
up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they
moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an
open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a
family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to
close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what?
Answer: A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

<> Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's
> wife went into labor
> > in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
> called out to perform the
> > Delivery. Since there was no electricity, the
> doctor handed the
> > Father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
> this high so I can see
> > what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought
> into the world.
> >
> > "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
> rush to put that
> > lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
> Sure enough, within
> > minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
> >
> > "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's
> another one!" said the
> > doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a
> third baby.
> >
> > "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern,
> it seems there's yet
> > another one coming!" cried the doctor.
> >
> > The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
> and asked the doctor,
> > "You reckon it might be the light that's
> attractin' em?

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.     Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City   water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
    0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians     actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your  trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

2 4 year old cousins were spending the night together at a family reunion. Their mom's decdided it was time for them to take their bath for the night and soon they were splashing amidst the soap bubbles in the tub. As they got out and were being dried off the little girl looked at her cousin and asked, "What's that"? The young boy replied, "That's my thingy." "Oh my" she said, "Can I touch it?" "No way" said he. "Why not?" "Because you already broke yours off."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden
feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was
going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said,
"This person will cook for you and wash your clothes,
she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have
a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history ...
.

Adam noticed something on his body that was different than Eve's. In fact, he noticed it had this interesting dynamic property as well, under the right circumstances. One day, Eve was sauntering by him quite sexily, Adam saw her...then he held up his arm in a protective manner and said:

"Stay back Eve! I am not sure yet how big this thing will get!"

OH MY LOL

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to
see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man ?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter."

Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live ?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter."

Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, it's you ! I'll have to give you a hard one.
What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time ?"

"Mmm, that is a hard one."

"Enter."

'

Perhaps the ladies whom you 'believe' didn't get it were just being polite so as not to injure the male pride that is the most sensitive of all earthly things!! ;-) LOL
FYI...I saw it coming down the road before the first knock! LOL

lol honey....your right just exactly 20 seconds :)

You got me on that one!! and yes.. it is a good joke.. lol

lol. i get it unbeatable. so did the ladies...for almost 20 seconds.

the joke was: will u remember me in 20 secs, then thay said yes, then i said knock,knock then i said hey u already forgot me! did u get the joke?

no i believe they answered saying who's there to your "knock knock".....we waiting for the rest

hey u already forgot me!

:) thank you honey that just tickled me so much had to get it on here :)

Heres something I thought you may like. You'll be able to share this with your more conservative friends.

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it
will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me,
The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

**********************

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in
half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will
go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with
tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?

**********************

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on
the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

**********************

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep
it in the pantry for up to a year.

**********************

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the inside of
the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll
even decorate it for you.

***********************

Ladies - Brush some
beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do
it.

************************

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try
using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go
ask the cute neighbor guy to do it.

************************

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

Who's there??

knock knock

perhaps.. why?

hey scarletrose i have another one: will u remember me in 20 seconds?

hahahaha

OMG

ANd yes unbeatableking I liked your batman joke as well.. ;)

yo guy do u like my batman joke?

oh whooo hooo booo !

and why have women's butts higher an amount of mass than their skulls ?
prevents them from falling over into the keyboard while typing messages ... :D ~*~

how come nobody likes my batman joke i'll say it again: why did batman cross his legs? because he had to go to the batroom!

is to suggest he is too old for it.

You shut the door.

- they should be able to put them all up
there.

LOL. Outstanding

LMAO

lol poor johnny

A father was reviewing his son's report card one evening, and was distraught. His boy had all A's except for math, which he failed. He met with his teacher, then the principal, then after more follow up meetings, he decided to put the boy in a private school. Months passed, his report card arrived, and the same results appeared: All A's, but a failure in Math. The private school cost so much money, the father took him out of this school, and sent him to a very good school uptown. Again, the boy failed math, but had A's in everything else. Finally, he sent the boy off to a local Catholic School. When the first report card arrived, the father looked at it with just one eye open, holding his breath. Then he saw his son had all A's, including math! He said to his son: "Tell me, how were you able to do so well in math in this new school?" The boy turned white as a ghost when his father asked him the question. "Well, on the very first day of school, I walked into the hall and saw this guy nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they did not mess around!"

LOL

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

lol need i say more?

hehe who me? :)

lol Aragon prolly cuz you set him up eh?

I was there O'Flaherty was set-up!

"One of Colorado's oldest citizens and a resident of Walsenburg for about a century died here yesterday. mrs Quintina was 104 years old at the time of her death, her grandmother said."

The court was told that soon after the party came into Maloney's Bar, Milligan spat at O'Flaherty and called him "a stinkingUlsterman".
O'Flaherty punched Milligan, and Rourke hit him with a bottle.
Milligan kicked O'Flaherty in the groin and threw a pint of beer in Rourkes face. This led to ill feeling and they began to fight.

He pushed what looked like the barrel of a gun into my chest and told me he was going to blow my brains out.

"Well the streakers are at it again, this time at a local football game just outside of Boston. I can't figure out this type of behaviour- I guess they just want to show us they're nuts."

What do you call a blonde behind a steering Wheel??
Airbag !!

I doub't it, the 19th is the longest hole LOL

Darren Clarke said that he and Lee Westwood should have a fun loooooooong day together after they had won one tourney each, wonder if that day has ended yet? :)

For that Steve you almost be an honorary Irish man!! LOL

the only good thing about closing time, is a lanlord who likes lock-ins :o)

lol sure there is...watching all the people crawling out the door after getting smashed lol

There is NOTHING funny about closing time :(

hehe