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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



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24. September 2020, 16:08:43
Haridaspal 
Emne: Re:
pgt: :) :)

22. September 2020, 23:56:45
pgt 
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

19. September 2020, 15:17:56
Nice works 
Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution.

Albert Einstein

19. September 2020, 11:43:27
Mousetrap 
Emne: Re: Ok - thanks for trying!
pgt: True!

19. September 2020, 11:16:32
pgt 
Emne: Ok - thanks for trying!
It would have been nice to have something more than a couple of riddles, but at least we are getting some action. This one will be appreciated by the native English speakers, so apologies to those to whom English is a second (or third) language:

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete"
and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in
London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make
that very distinction.
The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say
there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the
difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are
'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the
right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

19. September 2020, 07:07:01
Haridaspal 
Emne: Re:
Nice works: Ha ha!

18. September 2020, 11:02:48
Nice works 
How many physiologists does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one, but the light bulb must really, really ...want to change

18. September 2020, 04:47:14
Nice works 
What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up at night, wondering if there really is a dog.

17. September 2020, 16:48:25
Nice works 
Emne: Re:
they were studying for a blood test

17. September 2020, 14:31:58
Marshmud 
Why did the vampire stay up all night?

17. September 2020, 09:21:00
pgt 
Emne: Re:
ketchuplover: Thanks! About time we got some action

17. September 2020, 00:57:26
Mousetrap 
Emne: Re:
ketchuplover: Like em!

16. September 2020, 23:35:13
ketchuplover 
Q:. How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: You weren't there man!

Guy in a rain coat flashes a Jewish woman
Woman-"You call that a lining?"

16. September 2020, 12:48:04
pgt 
Why don't we have more jokes? Is it that something funny happens only once or twice a year? I have posted here three times in 18 months, and only one other joke since July 2019. I know how important it is to win games, but what what about a bit of fun along the way.
If three people will post a joke her in the next seven days, I post another three. Promise!!

27. Juli 2020, 00:24:24
Mousetrap 
Emne: Re: Time
pgt: Naw!

1. Juli 2020, 10:29:21
pgt 
Emne: Time
There was a time when we got a new joke every day, What's happened? Doesn't anybody have anything funny to say these days?

2. November 2019, 12:19:18
Haridaspal 
Emne: Re: Canaries
pgt:

Indeed! :D

24. Oktober 2019, 07:23:16
pgt 
Emne: Canaries
Did you know that there are absolutely no canaries in the Canary Islands. It's exactly the same in the Virgin Islands.



There are no canaries there either

24. Juli 2019, 14:24:47
The Col 
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

17. Juni 2019, 14:48:09
crosseyed_uk 
Emne: Re:
pgt:

17. Juni 2019, 11:24:08
pgt 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

12. Februar 2019, 15:16:03
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re: What do astronauts put on...
earldrake1:

Space Jam is correct!

12. Februar 2019, 13:37:43
earldrake1 
Emne: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: Space Jam? Or maybe ketchup, since it goes with everything.

12. Februar 2019, 12:18:34
ArnieTxx 
Emne: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: An unidentified frying object.

12. Februar 2019, 10:57:05
pgt 
Emne: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: Riddles that last longer than about 30 seconds get a bit boring!

12. Februar 2019, 01:20:02
Walter Montego 
Emne: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: I will hope the answer is funnier than a fart in a space suit.

11. Februar 2019, 18:04:59
ketchuplover 
Emne: What do astronauts put on...
their toast?

10. Februar 2019, 01:19:10
Nothingness 
Emne: Re:
pgt: Its the Nigel part..that his name is Nigel..not grasshopper

8. November 2018, 23:56:04
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re:
Skyking:

stop it man you're killing me :)

7. November 2018, 19:10:10
Skyking 
By the way I was stationed in the Aleutian islands at Shemya AFB>

26. Oktober 2018, 11:02:44
pgt 
Emne: Come on let's get some jokes again!. It's not ALL serious!
Puns for the Educated Mind

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, But it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, But he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, Because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road And was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France Would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray Is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, You'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, With the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

25. Oktober 2018, 16:29:55
Doris 
Emne: Re: Wow
Backoff: Good to see you back! :}

25. Oktober 2018, 14:30:34
Doris 
Emne: Re: The Genie
Haridaspal:

24. Oktober 2018, 15:59:57
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re: Let's get this going again
pgt
I did not figure it out :(

24. Oktober 2018, 11:09:20
pgt 
Emne: Let's get this going again
Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS (Sorry Ike I forgot I sent this to you)

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out...

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Give it another try..
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....
Answer is below!


Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

15. Oktober 2018, 06:35:30
rabbitoid 
2 years without a publication and then it's a SPAM.
Bye, joke board

15. Oktober 2018, 04:06:26
pgt 
Emne: Re: Purchase Database Registered,Ielts,Toefl,Toeic,Passports,ID,driverlicense
Walter Montego: I'm with you. (Perhaps the whole thing is a joke, but I not laughing either)

15. Oktober 2018, 03:08:06
Walter Montego 
Emne: Re: Purchase Database Registered,Ielts,Toefl,Toeic,Passports,ID,driverlicense
mandpoll950: I am missing the punchline to your joke. Perhaps you could explain it?

18. September 2016, 15:17:32
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re: The Genie
Haridaspal:

hardy har har

16. September 2016, 13:30:31
Haridaspal 
Emne: The Genie
A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"And then?"

"He should never sleep without me by his side."

"And then ..?"

"When he wakes up in the morning he should see my face first."

"And then ..?"

"He should not go anywhere without me."

"And then ..?"

"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

"And then ..?"

"That's it."

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

30. Maj 2016, 19:24:26
Brian1971 
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99/lb. and deer nuts are under a buck.

29. Maj 2016, 23:03:28
skinny18 
A 7 year old boy is having dinner with his parents when suddenly he announces that me and Jane next door are getting married.
"Oh" says the mother amused, "How old is Jane?.
"Six", says the boy.
"What are you going to do for money?" asks the father.
The boy says, "I get 5 dollars a week allowance and Jane gets 3 dollars. Together we'll be okay."
"What will you do if you have children?" asks the father.
The boy says, "Well, so far we've been lucky."

22. Maj 2016, 10:54:24
crosseyed_uk 
Emne: Re:
rod03801: Okay I understand now.

22. Maj 2016, 02:39:41
rod03801 
Emne: Re:
crosseyed: It's a joke, in that Walmart is famous for never having enough cashiers on duty.

21. Maj 2016, 20:54:09
crosseyed_uk 
Emne: Re:
Tilpasset af crosseyed_uk (21. Maj 2016, 21:26:34)
Brian1971: Only 14 I would have expected more if they are closing 269 stores. Or is that a joke?

21. Maj 2016, 20:53:21
crosseyed_uk 
Emne: Re:
Brian1971: That is a disgusting joke and not funny at all.

21. Maj 2016, 18:08:21
Brian1971 
Wal-mart is closing 269 stores in 2016...putting 14 cashiers out of work.

21. Maj 2016, 18:04:16
Brian1971 
Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice. Men just pee on the poop stain as hard as they can....;-)

14. December 2015, 10:26:16
Backoff 
Emne: Wow
Geez I haven't been on here in years. It's odd seeing stuff I wrote forever ago. I see the flame pit I started is still around too. Cool

1. December 2015, 19:26:22
crosseyed_uk 
Emne: Re:
skinny18:

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