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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



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24. юли 2019, 14:24:47
The Col 
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

17. юни 2019, 14:48:09
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
pgt:

17. юни 2019, 11:24:08
pgt 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

12. февруари 2019, 15:16:03
ketchuplover 
Относно: Re: What do astronauts put on...
earldrake1:

Space Jam is correct!

12. февруари 2019, 13:37:43
earldrake1 
Относно: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: Space Jam? Or maybe ketchup, since it goes with everything.

12. февруари 2019, 12:18:34
ArnieTxx 
Относно: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: An unidentified frying object.

12. февруари 2019, 10:57:05
pgt 
Относно: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: Riddles that last longer than about 30 seconds get a bit boring!

12. февруари 2019, 01:20:02
Walter Montego 
Относно: Re: What do astronauts put on...
ketchuplover: I will hope the answer is funnier than a fart in a space suit.

11. февруари 2019, 18:04:59
ketchuplover 
Относно: What do astronauts put on...
their toast?

10. февруари 2019, 01:19:10
Nothingness 
Относно: Re:
pgt: Its the Nigel part..that his name is Nigel..not grasshopper

8. ноември 2018, 23:56:04
ketchuplover 
Относно: Re:
Skyking:

stop it man you're killing me :)

7. ноември 2018, 19:10:10
Skyking 
By the way I was stationed in the Aleutian islands at Shemya AFB>

26. октомври 2018, 11:02:44
pgt 
Относно: Come on let's get some jokes again!. It's not ALL serious!
Puns for the Educated Mind

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, But it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, But he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, Because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road And was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France Would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray Is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, You'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, With the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

25. октомври 2018, 16:29:55
Doris 
Относно: Re: Wow
Backoff: Good to see you back! :}

25. октомври 2018, 14:30:34
Doris 
Относно: Re: The Genie
Haridaspal:

24. октомври 2018, 15:59:57
ketchuplover 
Относно: Re: Let's get this going again
pgt
I did not figure it out :(

24. октомври 2018, 11:09:20
pgt 
Относно: Let's get this going again
Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS (Sorry Ike I forgot I sent this to you)

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out...

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Give it another try..
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....
Answer is below!


Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

15. октомври 2018, 06:35:30
rabbitoid 
2 years without a publication and then it's a SPAM.
Bye, joke board

15. октомври 2018, 04:06:26
pgt 
Относно: Re: Purchase Database Registered,Ielts,Toefl,Toeic,Passports,ID,driverlicense
Walter Montego: I'm with you. (Perhaps the whole thing is a joke, but I not laughing either)

15. октомври 2018, 03:08:06
Walter Montego 
Относно: Re: Purchase Database Registered,Ielts,Toefl,Toeic,Passports,ID,driverlicense
mandpoll950: I am missing the punchline to your joke. Perhaps you could explain it?

18. септември 2016, 15:17:32
ketchuplover 
Относно: Re: The Genie
Haridaspal:

hardy har har

16. септември 2016, 13:30:31
Haridaspal 
Относно: The Genie
A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"And then?"

"He should never sleep without me by his side."

"And then ..?"

"When he wakes up in the morning he should see my face first."

"And then ..?"

"He should not go anywhere without me."

"And then ..?"

"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

"And then ..?"

"That's it."

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

30. май 2016, 19:24:26
Brian1971 
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99/lb. and deer nuts are under a buck.

29. май 2016, 23:03:28
skinny18 
A 7 year old boy is having dinner with his parents when suddenly he announces that me and Jane next door are getting married.
"Oh" says the mother amused, "How old is Jane?.
"Six", says the boy.
"What are you going to do for money?" asks the father.
The boy says, "I get 5 dollars a week allowance and Jane gets 3 dollars. Together we'll be okay."
"What will you do if you have children?" asks the father.
The boy says, "Well, so far we've been lucky."

22. май 2016, 10:54:24
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
rod03801: Okay I understand now.

22. май 2016, 02:39:41
rod03801 
Относно: Re:
crosseyed: It's a joke, in that Walmart is famous for never having enough cashiers on duty.

21. май 2016, 20:54:09
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
Променен от crosseyed_uk (21. май 2016, 21:26:34)
Brian1971: Only 14 I would have expected more if they are closing 269 stores. Or is that a joke?

21. май 2016, 20:53:21
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
Brian1971: That is a disgusting joke and not funny at all.

21. май 2016, 18:08:21
Brian1971 
Wal-mart is closing 269 stores in 2016...putting 14 cashiers out of work.

21. май 2016, 18:04:16
Brian1971 
Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice. Men just pee on the poop stain as hard as they can....;-)

14. декември 2015, 10:26:16
Backoff 
Относно: Wow
Geez I haven't been on here in years. It's odd seeing stuff I wrote forever ago. I see the flame pit I started is still around too. Cool

1. декември 2015, 19:26:22
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
skinny18:

1. декември 2015, 12:07:25
ketchuplover 

1. декември 2015, 03:54:05
skinny18 
A man calls the police department stating that he heard gunshots at his neighbor's next door apartment.
A policeman quickly arrives and knocks on the door, A lady answers the door with a gun her hand,
The cop is shocked and while standing in the hall, he asked the lady "What happened?'
'I just shot my husband." She says
"Why did you do that? the cop asks
"I just washed the floor and my husband walked all over it." she says
The cop doesn't know what to do so he called his captain and tells him the story.
The captain tells him to go in and arrest her.
The cop says "Are you kidding me? I'm not going in there.The
floor is still wet."

22. ноември 2015, 19:16:27
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re:
Mélusine:

22. ноември 2015, 03:47:17
Bwild 
lol

22. ноември 2015, 03:19:59
Mélusine 
A man tells his birthday :
Two weeks ago was my 40 th birthday, and my morale wasn't at the top. But I knew that when I'll wake up, my wife wouldn't forget to wish me a "Happy Birthday" and to give me a gift.
But this morning, she didn't say "Hello" and no "Happy Birthday".
So I thought : " it doesn't matter, it happens to me to forget. But the children, they will remember.
But the kids forgot too.
So when I went to work, my morale was really the lowest. As I arrived at the office, Julie, my secretary told me : " Hello boss, happy birthday " and now, my morale began to rise.
I worked on the morning, and when lunchtime came, Julie knocked on my door and said : " Boss, today is your birthday, and it's a beautiful day. You could invite me for lunch " so I said " ok, let's go ".
For lunch, we chose a small restaurant away from the city. The meal was very nice and my secretary take care of me.
Leaving the restaurant Julie said : " Boss, if we didn't go back to work this afternoon ? " As I didn't answer, she added : " Let's go to my apartment, I'll show you my collection of Chinese vases ".
We soon were at her home. With a glass of Cognac, she said : " If it doesn't bother you, boss, I'll go to the bathroom to change my clothes "....
Of course, I agreed.
When she came back, I had also taken some clothes off. And with my underpants, I saw my secretary, my wife, my children and all the office team. All sang "Happy Birthday" while bringing a very big cake ! Sometimes, life is dreadful .....

8. май 2015, 00:39:08
ketchuplover 
Относно: life...
is fair

6. май 2015, 11:18:55
pgt 
Относно: Re: cool
nightback: It oesn't look very funny to me

6. май 2015, 10:42:42
nightback 
Относно: cool
How about this game,Chaos Online http://www.joybit.com/

22. декември 2014, 14:45:17
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re: Banta Singh at it again!
Haridaspal: Very funny.

22. декември 2014, 12:55:09
Haridaspal 
Относно: Banta Singh at it again!
Ambani (India's richest man): Even if I drive from morning till night in my car, I can't cover half my property.

Banta Singh: I had a car like that, too. I sold it on ebay.

21. декември 2014, 06:31:35
dams 
Относно: Punctuation matters!
Yet another post worth recycling...

Version 1
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart. Both of us can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Version 2
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn; for you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we are apart, both of us can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Gloria

19. декември 2014, 15:39:15
crosseyed_uk 
Относно: Re: Ask the chick
dams: Very funny.

19. декември 2014, 14:25:43
dams 
Относно: Ask the chick
Found this today; no sexism intended!
---------
The guy is on his final question on 'KBC' (The Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire), and has just the one lifeline left, 'Phone A Friend'.

The question goes...

"Which Bird does not make a nest?" Options:

1: Sparrow
2: Swallow
3: Blackbird
4: Cuckoo

The guy is not sure, so he calls his girlfriend.
She answers, "Stupid, it's obviously a cuckoo, 100%" and the guy wins.

Later the guy calls his girlfriend, "how the hell did you know that, honey? I must say you've got more brains than I credit you for!"

And the sweet thing replies:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."Well, u idiot, cuckoo lives in a clock na!"

The guy is still in coma

11. декември 2014, 19:37:06
dams 
Относно: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Oh ok, got it. Good one!

11. декември 2014, 19:35:31
dams 
Относно: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Can't decipher the first three digits 100. Got the rest I think.

11. декември 2014, 19:31:48
dams 
Относно: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: #26 foxed me too without the explanation, which runs as follows: read the expression as " √{ -1} over √{64} " replacing the square roots by the values. Aloud.

9. декември 2014, 14:19:14
ArnieTxx 
Относно: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
A mathematician is at a restaurant with several of his friends. After the meal, they ask for separate bills. When the mathematician approaches the cashier, she asks him, "Where is your bill?" He hands her a slip of paper with the number 1004180 written on it. She smiles, and says "That's okay."

9. декември 2014, 14:03:42
ArnieTxx 
Относно: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
dams: No, I did not understand #26 at all.

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