Относно: Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens:
** A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. ** No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. ** A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. ** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. ** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. ** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. ** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ** A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. ** Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. ** Housework done properly can kill you. ** Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. ** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
Относно: Irishman Wonders Why He Lost the Job to an American
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager..
Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (This is great) **********
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
Vikings: Hillary Clinton: It takes more than words to get chickens across the road. It takes experience with chickens. I am proud to say I have an extensive backround in working with a vide variety of fowl (or is that foul) species.
redfrog: Ralph Nader: It's obvious that the issue of safety needs to be addressed here, I will commission a study by osha as to the best way to create crosswalks on every road in America, cost is irrelevant because the last thing we need is chickens getting hit and dismembered in the road especially in the hot sun where we will end up with fried chicken legs
redfrog:Barock Obama: This just clearly shows that the chickens in America are ready for a new direction,and demand a change, and when I am elected I will change the direction of that road or the shape of the chicken or, er....er....well I will change something
redfrog: 9.99/10 :-) UNIVERSITY TUTOR: I don't know. This is not my area of expertise, BUT I don't think any questions about chickens and roads will show up in the exam. If you really want to know the answer then go away and Google it yourself.
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE : I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
COAN.NET : I think we need a slimmed down version of the chicken. I’d like a plain chicken that doesn’t chat and that has a move button right below its tail so I don’t have to scroll down to look for it.
ANDERSP : I paid for that chicken! Why is the chicken moving so slow? Why isn’t there an autopass for the chicken? How come the other chickens aren’t this slow? Is it a rattlebrained chicken troll?
CZUCH : It’s ironic that the chicken has to cross the road when the connection should be just as fast on this side. Why do some chickens get to cross normally while others “have a bad day” and can’t cross at all? I tried to blog about my chicken but I couldn’t log into the secret site. At least no new chickens are able to read about my chickens speed issues.
AD : Does the chicken have me on block? Why can’t all the chickens leave me alone?
PROUD2BAMERICAN : Something serious has happened to my chicken and I don’t know what to do. Don’t cross your chickens on my road and I won’t cross mine on yours.
FENCER : There is nothing wrong with the chicken. It has been crossing the road with no problem on this side. Ergo – the problem must be on the other side.
SCARLETROSE : Come on chickens! Cross on over to the other side and bring your towel! I'm calling out to all the hardworking single hens and bring your little peeps too!
BERNICE : “Certain chickens” crossed because they were told to go elsewhere – ROLF
wyoming > >>>> > >>>> 60 above zero: Arizonians turn on the heat. People > >>>> in Wyoming plant gardens. > >>>> > >>>> 50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. > >>>> People in Casper sunbathe. > >>>> > >>>> 40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. > >>>> People in Wyoming > >>>> drive with the windows down. > >>>> > >>>> 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in > >>>> Jackson Hole gets thicker. > >>>> > >>>> 20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal > >>>> underwear, gloves, wool > >>>> hats. People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt. > >>>> > >>>> 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up > >>>> the heat. People in > >>>> Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold. > >>>> > >>>> Zero: People in Miami all die. People in Wyoming > >>>> close the windows. > >>>> > >>>> 10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico > >>>> People in Wyoming get > >>>> out their winter coats. > >>>> > >>>> 25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl > >>>> Scouts in Wyoming are > >>>> selling cookies door to door. > >>>> > >>>> 40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. > >>>> People in Wyoming > >>>> let the dogs sleep indoors. > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> 100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. > >>>> Wyoming drivers > >>>> get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van. > >>>> > >>>> 460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute > >>>> zero on the Kelvin > >>>> scale.) People in Wyoming start saying..."Cold 'nuff > >>>> fer y a?" > >>>> > >>>> 500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Wyoming public > >>>> schools will open 2 > >>>> hours late. > >>>> > >>>
Mousetrap: Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. "The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine!"
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"