Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the  first time.  Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed,  "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have.  Where did you get your  baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K  Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great!  She's so  pretty."
"Well, thank you.  And where did you get your baby?   She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for  $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful.   You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her  firstborn.  Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending  with the same question,
 "Where did you get your baby and how much did he  cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost  about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.  The group  broke up, the real mommy walked on.  Finally one of the little girls  turned to the other and said,
"You know, I don't know what you think about  that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got  SCREWED!

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous so he
decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's
a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves
and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh,
well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was
just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!

Sweet - it said I wasn't a dummy! (lol)

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/are_you_a_dummy.htm

Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."

He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

LOL!!!! That made our day- even my husband is still laughing : ) I had to share with him...he thinks like the owner : )

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.


She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A double OMY!! LOL

After some years of looking for the "one", a guy finally gets married. Having spent his wedding night, next evening he goes to meet his friends and talk all about it. First question of course goes like , "so did you enjoy the whole thing?" and he replies, "yeah, I enjoyed the HOLE and she enjoyed the THING" !

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

LOL I thought that was cute.

OMY LOL

lol

<<Carnation Evaporated Milk  
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for
>   your recipes just smile and think of this.
>
>   A little old lady from North Carolina had
>   worked in and around her family dairy farms since
>   she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
>   and little compensation... and when canned Carnation
>   Milk became available in grocery stores, she read
>   an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best
>   slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of
>   all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...
>   I can do this!
>
>   She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a
>   black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out
>   and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much,
>   we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be
>   able to use it...."
>
>   Here is her entry:
>
>   Carnation milk is best of all,
>   no tits to pull, no hay to haul
>   no buckets to wash, no s*** to pitch,
>   just poke a hole in the s** OF A b****!
>
>
>
>
>

LMAO

Dear Abby
 
 
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's even worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago,
he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bulls*** with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
You don't need him anymore.
For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now.

two policmans on the ship what`s going under water,the first one telling to other: Hei the water is untill my nack-Stay in your hands and it`ll be just untill your feet say the other

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

I got 78 LOL Have you been doing it for the last hour to get further ? LMAO

Make it 76.

I saw that link somwhere else too. I have screenshots of me going like 104. I have lots of pratice at it though (in real life) lol

Here's a link BTW

52, then 58, then 66 - and now i'm stopping because I have other things to do then mess with this drunk! :-)

As a volunteer at the local hospital, a man sang songs and told jokes to entertain the patients.
One day as he was leaving, the man said to a patient "I hope you get better.
The patient replied "I hope you get better, too

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine.
An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

the biggest joke is how cheap membership is.
Get one and you will see that the cost is so small it is laughable :)

NOW can somebody give me something to laugh at please - for that is why I'm here :o)

Big Bad Wolf, I am sorry and it will not happen again. I thought maybe my opinion about peace and love to all was worth something and wanted everyone to see it. I shall watch my etiquette more carefully from now on and maybe keep my opinions to myself. Did not mean to start anything. I thought it might help; instead it is causing more problems. Oh well, live and learn something new each day. Thank you for taking the time to give me your message.

Oh.. I get it now. You spamming all the boards is a cool joke! Not sure if I understand it, but cool anyway.... :-)

With all the natural disasters, wars and conflicts going on in the world, why would certain people choose to argue, fight and down others on a site that is supposed to bring fun and enjoyment to people. I hear enough garbage in the world, let alone having to read it in fellowship messages and discussion boards. I overlook most of it but then, once in awhile, like now, I have to speak my mind. They should grow up, go to the gym and punch bags to get rid of their hostility and leave this site alone to what is supposed to be. It is a game site for fun and enjoyment and that should be it. Fellowship messages and discussion boards should be kind, considerate, educational and not a sounding board for petty differences that are blown out of proportion. Now I have said my piece and back to my games.

That joke is hilarious Brian!

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she
appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good
Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never
heard the SHOT, Funeral services are pending.........

Chutzpah!
Minneapolis firefighter Gerald Brown, 55, who was fired in 1995 for abuse of sick leave, but who won a contentious grievance hearing and was reinstated with 18 months' back pay, was scheduled to return to work on June 2, 1997. When that day arrived, he called in sick. [Star Tribune, 6-7-97]

two termites walk into a bar. they sit down at the bar and inquire, "is the bartender here?"

two termites walk into a bar. they sit down at the bar and inquire, "is the bartender here?"

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

Three men are in a bar, one from New York City, one from Boston and the other from Texas. The man from Texas asks for a bottle of Tequila, downs two shots and throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. He says, 'Where I come from in Texas, we got alot of tequila." The man from New York oders a bottle of the finest wine, downs a glass, throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it and says, "In New York, we got alot of good wine". The Boston man looks at them both quietly a moment and then orders a bottle of bourbon. He drinks a shot, takes out his gun and shoots the man from New York, looks over at the Texan and says, "Where I come from, we got alot of New Yorkers and we don't waste good whiskey!"

i got pulled over the other day for speeding. The cop says did you know the speed limit here is 70 miles per hour? I replied, "Yeah, but I didnt plan on being out that long."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

LOL...I thought it was Boudreaux and Tibdeaux ; )
speaking of I-10, my husband and I were traveling down highway 90 late one night and were pulled over for speeding, when they officer told him he clocked him at 90 in a 65mph zone, knowing he was going to get the ticket anyways he told the officer"Well, all the signs say 90!!!" And the policeman looks at him and smirked and said.."Right, smart guy, and I suppose you go 10 miles per hour down I-10"...he just looked at him, grinned and said "You mean that's an "I"???? We got the ticket....... I have total respect for the law, but some of those Texas Rangers just don't have a sense of humor ; )

hah - hah !!!!! Speaking of Texas....

Two Cajuns ( we'll say Pierre & Gautreaux)
were riding to Houston down I-10. ( pronounced
" GO - tro " ) All of a sudden a sign appeared
saying Texas left. So the two men turned around
and returned home.
( ok ok it is corny ..... )
Justin Wilson said that you 'Texans' got
some other names for we Cajuns....... but that's
ok cause we got some other names for u too.

cheers

Wow, that was great!

LOL. I would like to shake his hand. Semper Fi

Great one, Brian