A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.
He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the
whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples
it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again,
"Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so
I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes
a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and
locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes,
"Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

There was this blonde who was driving late at night when a police man noticed that she was going from one side of the road to the other and would not stop! So then he finally pulled her over and asked her why was she going from one side of the road to the other, she said "Im trying not to hit the trees." The police man said, "im sorry lady but there are no trees for miles down the road." he said, "Its your air freshner!"

LOL

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News
has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most
to blame for the situation.

Internet News:
We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the
Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ:
First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my
birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN:
But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated
on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your
birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC:
Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always
struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to
celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't
exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the
open fields during winter, were they?

IN:
No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC:
Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would
just make another holiday out of it and I think that two
birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN:
But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC:
That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the
ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because
of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC.
It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to
skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC:
Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used
a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the
starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature
is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN:
So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since
you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN:
Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way.
So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC:
I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father
made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN:
Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers
just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC:
Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had
done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC:
Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask
people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".

~Eleanor Roosevelt

LOL Oldie but goodie.Great joke

hahaha :)

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous
prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was
sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!''
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked
my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been
a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a ''sunny beach''... I saw another guy waving in
a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it
was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing... why even
HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time
to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we
had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as
I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton
all had a spelling contest, which one would win ?

Dan Quayle.
He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Bill Clinton is walking past the security gate at the White house and sees sees a scandalus yet true put down written in the snow banks in yellow....he storms into the gate house and demands that they find the culprit as soon as possible....a couple of days later the security chief says to him that he has bad news and worse news.....the bad news is that DNA tests reveal that the urine was from Al Gore...the worse news is that the hand writing was Hillary's

Words fail me

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the
Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled
dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly
mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other
side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran
to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him
what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this
road, armed to the teeth when I came across this
heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him
right in the eye and shouted,
'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Merry Christmas :)

Dear Mr. Blix,

Welcome to Iraq ! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors
to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to
assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving
their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much
rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective
do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values
on behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the
business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to
the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to
the ways of magical Baghdad with a few *Dos" and *Don'ts*.

DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and
worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to
intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then
when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World "savages".
We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones.
I joke !

DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use.
Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are
indigenous to Baghdad. While you're at it, ignore the totally
desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner
of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire.
And while you're busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos
sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying,
gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and
all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.

DON'T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks
or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless,
aesthetic "tools" you cannot unearth the make-believe stores
of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent
Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my
own noble pleasures.

DON'T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your
Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture
than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences
between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill.
Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers,
the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure,
my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON'T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think
it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system
is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep
the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience.
I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally
get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing !

In Me I Trust,
Saddam

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

"You should name your company Microsoft!"

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day
promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins
to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing
up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so
the two men march
down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up
that there are Elmos
all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands the
new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of
marbles. The men watch
in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins
to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give each
Elmo two test tickles

<>Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. A small boy
> >wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
> >lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked.
>
> >"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He
had
>
> >made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
> >When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army
> men
> >in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
> >Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up
> is
> >soldiers in your cup !"
> >
> >================================================
> >
> >An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally
>
> >asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it
over
>
> >and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming
>
> >the door until St. Peter says, For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay
> >out.'"
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
> >one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
> >fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> >duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No,"
said
>
> >another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
> a
> >close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
> >
> >===============================================
> >
> >Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her
> >face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
> >said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's
> >the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

They believe in Santa Claus.....
They don't believe in Santa Claus......
They are Santa Claus

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last
question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of
mother's milk. The student in question had also partied the night before and
was hard put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test was at hand rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He was the only student to ace (100%)the exam.

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever.
Don't mess with us!

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees
President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together.
He introduces himself and asks President Bush,
"How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready
to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment,
"Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says,
"See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

5.Up on the mousetop
4.I saw mommy hiss at Santa Claus
3.Silent mice
2.Jingle balls
And cat's number one favorite Christmas song of all...
1.Wreck the halls

Nice one! :·)

Did they really capture saddam ?

http://healingiraq.blogspot.com/mach3.jpg

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

LOL...but I talked to Carson from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and he feels it was more of a chartruse, and NOT the best colour to be sporting when captured.

Question) How many Saddam Insanes does it take to change a light bulb?

Anwser) Only one....and Mr. Insane will kill any one who disagrees.

Now THAT is freakin FUNNY!!!! LMAO!!!

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated,Saddam has been captured a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay .................the restaurateur
Guday....................the half-Australian brother
Huray.....................the sports fanatic
Sashay...................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay...................the baseball player
Ojay.......................the stalker/murderer
Gulay.....................the singer/entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray.....................the country music star
Ecksray..................the radiologist
Puray......................the blender factory owner
Regay.....................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.....................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay......................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.......................the 300 pound sister
Dushay....................the clean sister
Phayray...................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...............the grocery store owner
Ollay........................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.....................the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay..... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.

You obviously aren't American, so I can see why you don't get it, it was just a post. Let it go.

No...the joke is that a terrorist like Hussein figured he could run and hide. The joke was on him!

Because this is a board...and lots of people read this board, and it made me laugh.

Saddam Hussein has been captured.

HOORAY for Susan!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. > I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th.Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.

Elyce

It's been said: Statistics never lie but liars often do statistics.

Did you know that 83% of all stats are made up! WOW!

Why the angel is on top of the tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

All I want for Christmas is...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

The little girl, whose name was Kitty, said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty....when you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws!

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see!'

'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. And when she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'

'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows....that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'

Now you done it skip lol

LOL Just like a man.
Probably should have listened more to his wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

That sounds very similar to our house! LOL

Very good :-D

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the

speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked

him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is

made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

"All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.We

don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".