Right on Rose!

Funny Winnie...thanks!!

Winnie: Funny one Winnie!!

Why is cinderella no good at football?
Becuase she keeps on running away from the ball

EIHN: Yer either sick or twisted.. which is it?

    incidently... MERRY CHRISTMAS

True, but then I didn't accuse you of a crime you didn't commit neither...


Too many scrooges around

(And now back to the Old and the Hopeless)

Did i DiS yOu oN MuSic DB?
No.
pLeASe cHiLL.

lol

Yes, SIR, sir

EIHN...you'Re sPaMmiNg.
pLeASe dONt fORCe Me 2 MoDeRaTe.

lol Skyking...

      

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with
two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem
swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis
here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to
see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou, stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as
most.

Why ?

i LiKe tHAt, sKy.

fAiR&bALaNcEd.

Well its not my usual sort of joke!

Another one...

What do you call the boss of hankies?

The Hankie-chief.

Rofl harley - you figure you had to justify the telling of that joke? :-)

fsh...that's what it sounds like when kiwis (people from New Zealand, not the animal) go to say fish :))

Not quite, ughaibu! Although I did meet a monk once, Father Francis. He tours the UK singing and raising money for his monastery. Wonderful man, and a great singer.

****

Heres one I heard the other night...

What do you get if you take an eye off a fish?

Fsh.

Well, Winnie found it funny :oD

That rancid poncho gives 'em away every time :P

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!

That was a good one and a bad one, Harley LOL

Good one, Harley ! Next time make the story 2x longer ! LOL

A man was driving past a beautiful old monastery when his car broke down.
He walked up the long drive and knocked on the door. A Monk answered,
listened to the man's story, then graciously invited him to spend the
night.

The Monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.

He slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful
sound.

Next morning, as the Monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the Monks replied. "We cannot tell you about the sound.
You are not a Monk."

Disappointed, the man thanked them for their hospitality and went on
his way.
For years he pondered about the source of the alluring sound.

Finally one day he went by the monastery, explained to the Monks that
he had so enjoyed his previous stay that he wondered if he might be
permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The Monks obliged,
and once again the man was awakened by the strange beautiful sound.
The following morning the man begged the Monks to explain the sound,
and they gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We cannot
tell you about the sound. You are not a Monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give
up everything and become a Monk, for that was the only way he could learn
what he wanted to know about the sound. He informed the Monks of his
decision and began the long arduous task of becoming a Monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally a true member of the order.
When the celebrating ended, he went humbly to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old Monk led the new Monk to a huge wooden door. He
opened the door with a golden key. The door swung open to reveal a second
door of silver, then a third door of gold, and so on until they had passed
through twelve doors....each more magnificent than the last. The new Monk's face was
awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the
beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
/

\

/

\

/

\

/

But....I cannot tell you what it was. You are not a Monk

hehehee.. Cute..

I hope this link works: Picture

LOL@Brian!

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging may work with your folks, but that doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting bullied at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

A Wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

"SOME TIMES BULLCRAP AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME."

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

Nice consumer advertising for nice car! Hear the lovely music!

event being Christmas

Great as humor, bad as ads...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

      "Spare me!"

Aww did it go over you head? I'll explain in a PM if you like.

... Oh? Was there a joke ?

Ohhhhhhh too funny!! I like number 30 and 27 and 24 and 21.. heck I like them all!! LOL

Here's something just for fun ... something to make you laugh when you don't
feel like laughing. By the way .... I'm not taking responsibility for anyone
crazy enough to do some of these things!

Suggestions for Handling Stress

1. Jam 39 marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget Jenny Craig and send yourself chocolates.
7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school like
nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling your tax forms with Roman numerals.
11. Tattoo :Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss/least favorite professor on watermelons and
launch them from high places.
13. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on all the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Penthouse or High Times and send it to your boss's
work address.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones"
during an important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guard rail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with ear wax.
23. Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you can recognize it when it comes back to
you.
25. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on you back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb???
None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!

Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed!
Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"

Definition of Irish Diplomacy;
The Art of telling a man to go to hell, so that he actually looks forward to the
trip.

What's another name for Irish sunblock...?
A pub.

Carpe Nocturnum:
'We get more done after 2 a.m. then most people do all day'

Sign posted at an Artist Cooperative shop:
WARNING! Unattended children may be eaten by starving artists!

How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him
in a cave. three days later he rose again on easter sunday. when he came out
of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more
months of winter!

The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He
raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at
him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."

Shhhh!! I know why you posted that at the jokes board - is because its a joke that anyone will be ready!!

True it sure is sneaking up fast!!

event ?

do you know that there is less then 5 weeks until the event

Computer Blessing



Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk Full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.

He died - And he still 'don't get no respect!' :Þ

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me
Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report
to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock
at the personnel manager's door. The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the
whole line is backing up. The foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all
over the place. At the end of the line is the
new employee. She has a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and a big bag
of marbles. They both watch as she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles, and starts sewing the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing
hysterically. After several minutes he
pulls himself together, walks over to the
woman, and says "I'm sorry, I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job
is to give Elmo two test tickles."

ok He died