only positive comments on jokes please or, group-solidarity of silence. all jokes are old.

Sorry Linda..an old joke

lol@Steve R KM!!

Hey the Aussies must still be sore after the weekend, so lets leave them alone again...like on another convict colony island thousands of miles away from from nowhere!

;-)

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Well, you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
--

Ouch LOL

LMAO

<<This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
>
>knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable. ~~~~~~~
>A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
>Rome
>with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
>responded,
>"Rome?
>Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of
>Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
>"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
>"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
>Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
>always
>late.
>So, where are you staying in Rome?
> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
>called Teste."
>"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to
>be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
>hotel
> in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
>overpriced.
> So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
>
> trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
>this
> lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
> asked her about her trip to Rome.
> "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in
> one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
>bumped us up to first class.
>"The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
> steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd
>just
> finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
> hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
>gave us
> their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
> "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
>
> you didn't get to see the Pope."
> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
>to
> meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
>private Suite.
>Later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
> down and he spoke a few words to me."
> "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
> He said, "Where'd you get the s***ty hairdo?"

Hey, I my gun rack is on the side of my desk...

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer...

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Hey Steve...where on did you unearth those? They are terrible!!! :)

Whats the difference between an Australian and a pig?
Pigs dont turn into Australians when drunk

How do you get an Australian onto a roof?
Tell them the drinks are on the house

What do you call an Australian woman with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

What did the Australian girls right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing..they never met

Why do Australians men prefer Blondes?
They like the interlectual company

Why do Australians put XXXX on cans of lager?
Because they cant spell beer

What do you call an Australian in a suit?
The defendant

NEWSFLASH An Australian library burnt down at the weekend and 2 books were destroyed

was definitely won. since the kicker must have been a mutant,
now plan b - plastic surgeon of jackson plus the kangooroo
well trained as goalkeeper until the next cup - will prevail. :-)

ouch LOL

Ok ok, we'll give you the cricket! your pretty dam good at that! :)

There is nothing wrong with an Englishman.......

Every family should have at least one :)

Onya Gramps...Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!
:))))))

LOL funny one
I have another one.

Q. Why did the English invent Cricket?

A. Just another sport that they can lose to against the Aussies.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find
out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate
operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half
your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be
Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on
the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead
of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient
replied, "No worries, mate!!"

heehee heeheehee!

I was walking through wallmart earlier today, when all of the sudden I saw Michael Jackson, I wondered why he would he be here, then I heard the voice on the intercom " welcome shoppers, dont forget, underware is half off in the boys department."

Work Genesis

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying,
''It is a crock of s****, and it stinketh.''

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
''This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**** Happens.

Thats ok :)

You'll never get out!

bumble...I'm in :)

And I'm virgin mary lol

Not me. I'm as pure as the driven slush.

Give over lol We have a bit of rudeness in us lol

hollyhocks ;oÞ

*shock! horror!*

I'm far too angelic for that! lol

Ok thanx bumble...R u on their list? lol

Go to the fellowships list and apply. Aragon will let you in! It's a fellowship for risque jokes!

How do I join bumble?? Do I just invite myself?

Join Badinage, lubylu.

Are u allowed to put rude jokes in here?? Just wondered as I was told one the other day

hahahaha.. oh!! what a laugh.. I shall have to remember that on upcoming holidays.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call
your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not
getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WENCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Oh, well. If only men would listen....

OOOOKKKK LOL

hehehe

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells.

" Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

LMAO BIG TIME!!!

lol backoff

OOOOOKKKKK LOL

President Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for
all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiller female dogs in
the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his
siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world
had ever seen. Its cage was 5" thick and needed steel bars so nobody
could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 6 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with
the Iraq dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and
slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped
out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close
enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam’s dog in
one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and
the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush, "We had Michael Jackson's Plastic Surgeons
working for 5 years to make that Alligator look like a Wiener Dog."

It's a funny one tho!

I got it in an email days ago..sorry LOL

skyking, read the joke board, that NFL joke was told a few days ago :-)

Thanx Bruno

I love "Dear Tide". The Relieved wife?....my kind of gal.