The dumbest man in the world went to a bar and got realllllllly drunk.

As he is leaving the bar he sees a very beautiful woman and thinks to himself that this would be a good time to try and score.

He jumps the startled woman and starts to grab and her and pull her clothes off.

She responds to his amorous affections by useing pepper spray and pretty much beating the stuffing out of him with her shoe before running away screaming for help.

The police round up all characters in the area of the attack with his discription and they are to be placed in a line up.

The dumbest man in the world is on his way into the line up room, when he sees the woman in the hallway.

And starts screaming, 'There she is...that's her!'

Subject: Response to a letter to the White House

(Response to a Letter to the White House, complaining about the treatment of captives.)


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016


Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.


Cordially,

Don Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
for: G.W. Bush, President of the United States

You gotta love Robin Williams... Leave it to Robin Williams to come up

with the perfect plan . what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand

up and repeat this message.

Robin William's plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan

for peace. So, here's one plan.

1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their

affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,

Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere"

again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with

Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We

would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the

fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.

We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be

gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.

France would welcome them.

4.) All ! future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days

unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be

allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide

here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more

cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.

If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy

wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will

require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will

have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel!

for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go

somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells

filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will

not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,

cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or

given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't

need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building

would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one

can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is

ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.



"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your

tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,

'You want a piece of me?'"

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7- foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right beside him, raising it's paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. The river even stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice out of the sky said, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now, do you expect me to help you out of this predicament. Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be counted as a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice; and the light went out, the river flowed, the sound of the forest continued, and the bear lowered its paw.
The bear then brought both paws together, bowed it's head, and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

Signs On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
***************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

I think that's an old one too? LOL

LOL

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll
take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register; she bends down to get her
purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping
Wal-Mart."

<A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
> > His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
> > He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five
> > blocks from party, the police pull him over for
> > weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
> >
> > Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a
> > notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
> > block away. The police tell the party animal to stay
> > put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and
> > run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and
> > waits and finally decides to drive home.
> >
> > When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to
> > bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him
> > that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
> >
> > A few hours later the police knock on the door.
> >
> > They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes.
> > They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed
> > with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
> > his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
> > asks why.

> > They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to
> > the garage and opens the door and there sits their
> > police car, lights still flashing.
> >
> > True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
> >
> >

Just an anouncemant

AIRCRAFT ENTHUSIASTS ...come and join this new fellowship

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

This is not true either - the statue in Prague with St. Wenceslas has one front leg in the air. And St. Wenceslas was murdered by his brother.

I think KISS (Especially Gene Simmons could do a lot of tricks) LOL

I would think that there is not more money printed for Monopoly EVERY DAY then the US Treasury...

Now average over a year, that is probable true. But I would guess that they don't ALWAYS EVERY DAY print more Monopoly then the Treasury. (But that is just my guess - I don't know of any fact to back me up.)

Oh, I wonder if anything else is incorrect?

Coca-Cola was never green - that is a false urban legend.

Now one of the orifinal bottles used was green, but the actually soda has always been the same color. :-)

BBW - The Pop Expert POPCAN.ORG

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
 
Men can read smaller print than women Úcan; women can hear better.  
 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
 
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)  
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%  
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $6,400
 
 
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.  
 
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.  
 
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 
 
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.  
 
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the Úonly mobile National Monuments.
 
 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
 
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
 
 
Only two people signed the Declaration Úof Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.  
 
"I am."  is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
 
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.  
 
  What occurs more often in December than any other month?   Conception.
 
 
Half of all Americans live Úwithin 50 miles of what? .  Their
birthplace
 Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?   Obsession
 
  
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.  
 
  What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey
 
  There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
  Father's Day
 
  What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
 
 
  What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
 
 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".  
 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
 
 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
 It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"  
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 
In Scotland, a new game was invented.  It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....  and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.  

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Great one LOL

Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. I am ashamed of myself. I don't quite know where to begin this letter of apology. It is my sincere hope that you will bring yourself to forgive and forget what has passed between us in recent months. I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk haircut, tattoos, and nose piercings. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous. I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you are 24 years of age and have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a Fulbright scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses. You now have my full blessings to marry my daughter. Sincerely,Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball Lottery.

A mountain woman from Arkansas went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband what a specimen was. He replied, "Darn'ed if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?"asked her husband. "Darned if I know," she replied. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose".

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly A rubber glove and A beer.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
"Darn it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

An oldy but good one, Linda LOL

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.   She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
*       Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ......... and left it there all night.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s***.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

To smart women everywhere!
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman-
5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck-
6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton-
7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
8. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson-
11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-
12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-
14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-
15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. - Baroness Edith Summerskill
16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck -Linda Ellerbee
17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line- up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ...........
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
---------------------------------------------
Certainly makes you think twice about how bad your job could be!!

A young woman boarded a bus while highly pregnant. She was very conscious about people around her. She noticed a young man looking at her and smiling. She felt humiliated and moved to a different seat, which only broadened the man's smile. She moved again, and on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, who called the police, and the man was arrested.
When the case came before the court the judge gave the man the opportunity to defend his rude behavior. He explained his action this way: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing that she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one which read 'Sloan's' Liniments Remove Swellings'".
"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read:
'William Stick Did The Trick'. I'm sorry, but I couldn't control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement which read: 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented this Accident'".
The judge found him not guilty!!!

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

Check this out for Airline Humor

:)

LMAO backoff
I entered my business site and it was hilarious! I wonder if I should change it to that text! lol

Try this one. (warning: a few dirty words)

HEHE

Just put in any site and ROFL

Ok, seen this posted on GT, but I kind of liked it and felt like sharing it.

BrainKing.info pootified!

Oh that Boudreaux!!!!

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door -- only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
 
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
 
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, dere's dat idiot dat rode in my car when we was pushin it in da rain."

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like". 

      Idiot Awards Of 2003

Number One Idiot of 2003
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiots of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run
Number Three Idiot of 2003 ( Recent Open Court student ) A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. Number four Idiot of 2003
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!
Idiot Number Six of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.
Idiot Number Eight of 2003
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast.. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote

this is an oldie, but
some say it's a goodie-
lets see what you tink



So anyhow, it was a very dark and dreary
night in a small town in Minnesota. A
small
fire started inside the local chemical
plant
and all of a sudden, it exploded into
massive
flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire
departments
from miles around. When the volunteer fire
fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief
and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault
in the
center of the plant. They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department
that
brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters
off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called
in
as the situation became desperate. As the
firemen
arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who
could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as
another fire truck came into sight. It was
the
nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer
fire company composed mainly of Norwegians
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
1938 Ford fire engine, operated by these
Norwegian's, passed all the newer sleek
engines
parked outside the plant...

....and drove straight into the middle of the

inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched
as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and
began to fight the fire with a performance
and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret
formulas. The grateful chemical company
president
joyfully announced that for such a superhuman
feat
he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
walked
over to personally thank each of the brave,
though
elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after
capturing the event on film asking, "What are
you
going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat
durn truck!"

when you mix water and flour together you get glue..
 and then you add eggs
 and sugar...
 and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?
 
NEED AN ANSWER?
 
You know darned well where it went!
 
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT

<Here Are a Few Giggles!
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk..
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you SMILE

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the s***, and disappear for rest of day." 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.


2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.


3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:
-----------------------------------------------------
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left- turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.

6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.

8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises.
The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like
rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."

ROFL!!! ouch!!