Just when you thought you knew everything....

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.
7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
9. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
10. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.
11. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Ogopogo: http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/naggywife.html

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

danoschek: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=men+jokes

wayney: hehehe.. I second that!!

This is absolutely hilarious! If you're over the age of 21 this will crack you up...

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 38, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the darn record store! and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your d*** dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little creeps!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled, I swear! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1984!

A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse."

Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

'

'

Why did God invent lesbians ?
So feminists wouldn't breed.


Why did the woman cross the road ?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen ?


What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down ?
Kick her butt


How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.


How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..


What is the difference between a battery and a woman ?
A battery has a positive side.


Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


Why do men pass gas more than women ?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

~*~

ScarletRose: the wonders of modern medicine :)

wayney: hehe.. that is kewt.. ;)

A man takes his hamster to see the vet. He takes it out of the cage, and puts it on the table, where it lies still. The vet has a quick look, and says, "I'm sorry, but your hamster is dead."

"No it isn't", says the man. "Yes it is." says the vet.

"I demand a second opinion" says the man.

The vet goes into the back room, and returns with a Labrador. It jumps up on the table, and sniffs the hamster, then shakes it's head and looks up at the man with mournful eyes.

"See. I told you." said the vet. "The hamster is dead".

"That's a dog! What the hell does a dog know?" protests the man.

So the vet brings a cat into the room.

It sniffs at the hamster, and bats it with its paw, then it mews dejectedly and slinks away.

"Ok. Ok. The hamster is dead. I believe you" says the man. "Now how much do I owe you?"

"£147.86" says the vet

"£147.86" says the man. "That's extortionate"

"Well my fee was just £6.50" says the vet

"But there's also the Lab report and the Cat scan."

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

martha stewart's christmas
http://www.funehumor.com/images/fun/mspris03.jpg
marth's mag
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/142/2778/640/Martha-Stewart-joke.jpg
----
fun with mikey
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/apes.jpg
http://www.bravesbeat.com/photos/rap/062004/r03.jpg

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the world would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

A Real Brain Teaser!


Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.



Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.

Then see below..





The answer is below. (scroll down)















ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose up at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without any ears.

When the mother and baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the new baby. Before they left the house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him, and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even SAID the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they got back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thankyou Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and REALLY beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes," the mother replied. "We are so thankful, the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh** outta luck if he needed glasses!"

BIG BAD WOLF: tooooo funny!!!

Grampa AD: I've just collected things like that from the web and kept it - hard telling where I actually got it from.

Like ths - A bomb squade practical joke!

http://coan.net/bk-smile/8/bomb-squad-practical-joke.jpg

BIG BAD WOLF: lol where did you find that!

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

accidents are not funny
but some are weird
http://www.wreckedexotics.com/newphotos/weird/weird027.shtml

Two women were playing golf,one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men,and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, still in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his trousers, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Grampa AD: http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons/mcsaddam.gif

http://www.funnies.com/osama.htm

http://www.rock103.com/crew/pics/?pow=022805

http://www.humorweb.no/bilder/dip.jpg

nobleheart: or this one is funnier
http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign_113.htm

nobleheart:
http://www.funnysign.com/funnysign_006.htm

find a funny sign or ad,here is mine:
http://www.prosoundweb.com/fun/Photofun/loose.jpg

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

Usurper: hehe

Usurper: LOL!!

Usurper: LOL too funny..*wipes the smile off her face*

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

One day, a blonde named Sally
was putting together a jigsaw puzzle.


She was really stumped and very frustrated,
so she decided to ask her husband for help.


''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.


''Honey," said her husband,
"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

BIG BAD WOLF: Thanks for the good laugh those are some of my faves too. i have about 3 of the Calvin books and I love them lol

BIG BAD WOLF:
more calvin favs:
http://www.glue.umd.edu/~vikas/calvin.gif
http://www.dei.unipd.it/~nil/IMG/calvin-move.gif
http://hem.passagen.se/rust29/images/HOBBE/AN_FOOD.GIF
http://www.freewebs.com/calvin_hobbes_home/hungrycalvin.gif
http://tig.mu.nu/archives/calvin.gif
http://www.1polly.nl/polly107/polly107.html

the far side cartoons:
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/annihilation.gif
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/early_exp.gif
http://www.mikemccandless.com/images/farside/slugs.gif
http://www.imagrissom.com/images/gallery/farside.jpg
http://www.colby.edu/republicans/humor/humor1.gif
note,this is another democrat joke!!!
PS was there not someone else who drew cartoon with weird humour like the far side?
-----
the cheech wizard cartoons:
http://rocbo.chez.tiscali.fr/illus/bode/img/bode3.jpg
----
?
http://ontheroadwdrevil.home.att.net/Anjomrooz05-20-03.jpg

BIG BAD WOLF: AWESOME!!!

Your calvin "Flush" / Bath.

I have an animated gif of that:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/3small/gavin.gif

BIG BAD WOLF: Calvin & Hobbes is/was great. Some of my favorites are here:
http://thad.com/calvin/
and my all-time favorite is this one:
http://thad.com/calvin/ch930919-FAV.gif

BIG BAD WOLF: hahaha.. too funny

Remember Calvin & Hobbs cartoons?

Well here are a series of my FAVORITE!

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

NOTE: Image is VERY TALL - so if your browser reduces images to fit the screen, you may need to click on the image and/or EXPAND the image to make it easier to read.

There used to be a fellowship called..ok, I forgot the name, but it was for dirty jokes that shouldn't be posted here. I believe Nirvana was the big boss. It's gone now, but is there another in it's place? If not, someone let me know and I'll start one.

Thad

harley: sorry Harley

The Queen (of England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada etc. (Elizabeth II)) was touring Austalia and attended a film premiere.
At the end of the movie, all of the people involved in the production of he film were lined up in he foyer of the theatre. As she walked along the line of people she stopped by one man and asked:
"And what part did you play in the produstion?"
"Well, actually, Your Majesty, I was the photographer"
The Queen (remembering the husband of her sister, Margaret (Anthony Armstrong-Jones)) replied:
"How interesting, I have a brother-in-law who's a photographer."
To which the photographer replied:
"Well what a coincidence. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen"

Just a reminder that children read this board. Thanks :o)

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."