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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



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No profanity
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18. September 2016, 15:17:32
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re: The Genie
Haridaspal:

hardy har har

16. September 2016, 13:30:31
Haridaspal 
Emne: The Genie
A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"And then?"

"He should never sleep without me by his side."

"And then ..?"

"When he wakes up in the morning he should see my face first."

"And then ..?"

"He should not go anywhere without me."

"And then ..?"

"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

"And then ..?"

"That's it."

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

30. Maj 2016, 19:24:26
Brian1971 
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99/lb. and deer nuts are under a buck.

29. Maj 2016, 23:03:28
skinny18 
A 7 year old boy is having dinner with his parents when suddenly he announces that me and Jane next door are getting married.
"Oh" says the mother amused, "How old is Jane?.
"Six", says the boy.
"What are you going to do for money?" asks the father.
The boy says, "I get 5 dollars a week allowance and Jane gets 3 dollars. Together we'll be okay."
"What will you do if you have children?" asks the father.
The boy says, "Well, so far we've been lucky."

22. Maj 2016, 10:54:24
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
rod03801: Okay I understand now.

22. Maj 2016, 02:39:41
rod03801 
Emne: Re:
crosseyed: It's a joke, in that Walmart is famous for never having enough cashiers on duty.

21. Maj 2016, 20:54:09
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
Tilpasset af crosseyed (21. Maj 2016, 21:26:34)
Brian1971: Only 14 I would have expected more if they are closing 269 stores. Or is that a joke?

21. Maj 2016, 20:53:21
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
Brian1971: That is a disgusting joke and not funny at all.

21. Maj 2016, 18:08:21
Brian1971 
Wal-mart is closing 269 stores in 2016...putting 14 cashiers out of work.

21. Maj 2016, 18:04:16
Brian1971 
Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice. Men just pee on the poop stain as hard as they can....;-)

14. December 2015, 10:26:16
Backoff 
Emne: Wow
Geez I haven't been on here in years. It's odd seeing stuff I wrote forever ago. I see the flame pit I started is still around too. Cool

1. December 2015, 19:26:22
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
skinny18:

1. December 2015, 12:07:25
ketchuplover 

1. December 2015, 03:54:05
skinny18 
A man calls the police department stating that he heard gunshots at his neighbor's next door apartment.
A policeman quickly arrives and knocks on the door, A lady answers the door with a gun her hand,
The cop is shocked and while standing in the hall, he asked the lady "What happened?'
'I just shot my husband." She says
"Why did you do that? the cop asks
"I just washed the floor and my husband walked all over it." she says
The cop doesn't know what to do so he called his captain and tells him the story.
The captain tells him to go in and arrest her.
The cop says "Are you kidding me? I'm not going in there.The
floor is still wet."

22. November 2015, 19:16:27
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
Mélusine:

22. November 2015, 03:47:17
Bwild 
lol

22. November 2015, 03:19:59
Mélusine 
A man tells his birthday :
Two weeks ago was my 40 th birthday, and my morale wasn't at the top. But I knew that when I'll wake up, my wife wouldn't forget to wish me a "Happy Birthday" and to give me a gift.
But this morning, she didn't say "Hello" and no "Happy Birthday".
So I thought : " it doesn't matter, it happens to me to forget. But the children, they will remember.
But the kids forgot too.
So when I went to work, my morale was really the lowest. As I arrived at the office, Julie, my secretary told me : " Hello boss, happy birthday " and now, my morale began to rise.
I worked on the morning, and when lunchtime came, Julie knocked on my door and said : " Boss, today is your birthday, and it's a beautiful day. You could invite me for lunch " so I said " ok, let's go ".
For lunch, we chose a small restaurant away from the city. The meal was very nice and my secretary take care of me.
Leaving the restaurant Julie said : " Boss, if we didn't go back to work this afternoon ? " As I didn't answer, she added : " Let's go to my apartment, I'll show you my collection of Chinese vases ".
We soon were at her home. With a glass of Cognac, she said : " If it doesn't bother you, boss, I'll go to the bathroom to change my clothes "....
Of course, I agreed.
When she came back, I had also taken some clothes off. And with my underpants, I saw my secretary, my wife, my children and all the office team. All sang "Happy Birthday" while bringing a very big cake ! Sometimes, life is dreadful .....

8. Maj 2015, 00:39:08
ketchuplover 
Emne: life...
is fair

6. Maj 2015, 11:18:55
pgt 
Emne: Re: cool
nightback: It oesn't look very funny to me

6. Maj 2015, 10:42:42
nightback 
Emne: cool
How about this game,Chaos Online http://www.joybit.com/

22. December 2014, 14:45:17
crosseyed 
Emne: Re: Banta Singh at it again!
Haridaspal: Very funny.

22. December 2014, 12:55:09
Haridaspal 
Emne: Banta Singh at it again!
Ambani (India's richest man): Even if I drive from morning till night in my car, I can't cover half my property.

Banta Singh: I had a car like that, too. I sold it on ebay.

21. December 2014, 06:31:35
dams 
Emne: Punctuation matters!
Yet another post worth recycling...

Version 1
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart. Both of us can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Version 2
------------
Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn; for you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we are apart, both of us can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Gloria

19. December 2014, 15:39:15
crosseyed 
Emne: Re: Ask the chick
dams: Very funny.

19. December 2014, 14:25:43
dams 
Emne: Ask the chick
Found this today; no sexism intended!
---------
The guy is on his final question on 'KBC' (The Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire), and has just the one lifeline left, 'Phone A Friend'.

The question goes...

"Which Bird does not make a nest?" Options:

1: Sparrow
2: Swallow
3: Blackbird
4: Cuckoo

The guy is not sure, so he calls his girlfriend.
She answers, "Stupid, it's obviously a cuckoo, 100%" and the guy wins.

Later the guy calls his girlfriend, "how the hell did you know that, honey? I must say you've got more brains than I credit you for!"

And the sweet thing replies:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."Well, u idiot, cuckoo lives in a clock na!"

The guy is still in coma

11. December 2014, 19:37:06
dams 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Oh ok, got it. Good one!

11. December 2014, 19:35:31
dams 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Can't decipher the first three digits 100. Got the rest I think.

11. December 2014, 19:31:48
dams 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: #26 foxed me too without the explanation, which runs as follows: read the expression as " √{ -1} over √{64} " replacing the square roots by the values. Aloud.

9. December 2014, 14:19:14
ArnieTxx 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
A mathematician is at a restaurant with several of his friends. After the meal, they ask for separate bills. When the mathematician approaches the cashier, she asks him, "Where is your bill?" He hands her a slip of paper with the number 1004180 written on it. She smiles, and says "That's okay."

9. December 2014, 14:03:42
ArnieTxx 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
dams: No, I did not understand #26 at all.

9. December 2014, 05:34:21
dams 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
ArnieTxx: Yes, 10 is superb.

Did you get 26?

27. November 2014, 02:07:06
ArnieTxx 
Emne: Re: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
dams: I especially like items #10, #15 and #17.

26. November 2014, 15:30:02
ketchuplover 
good stuff. thx.

25. November 2014, 15:09:26
dams 
Emne: "30 Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand"
Tilpasset af dams (25. November 2014, 19:14:10)
Worth recycling:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

6. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

7. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bar tender: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …” The bar tender interrupts: “Oh, xxxx the lot of ya!” …and he pours a single full beer.

8. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

9. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
“Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. “Because they had eggs!”

11. A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs” The programmer never returns.

12. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.

13. Entropy isn’t what it used to be

14. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

15. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

16. Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the second says “I’ll have H2O too!” The second man dies.

17. A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”

18. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.

19. A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road… Ten minutes later, three men walk out.
The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”
The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”
To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”

20. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”

21. Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one stops and says “I think I just lost an electron!” The second one replies “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive!”

22. A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens. So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution. The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies “Well, I’ve found a solution, but it will only work for spherical chickens in a vacuum”.

23. Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer

24. A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

25. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!

26. A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)

27. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

28. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

29. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

30. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

14. Oktober 2014, 17:09:45
crosseyed 
Emne: Re: A Texan in Australia.....
Haridaspal: Very funny. I liked that joke.

14. Oktober 2014, 15:17:56
Haridaspal 
Emne: A Texan in Australia.....
(From a friend in Melbourne, Australia)

A Texan in Australia.....

A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walked around the ranch and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan commented, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"

21. September 2014, 11:11:59
Haridaspal 
Emne: Re:
dams: :D

28. August 2014, 20:22:05
ketchuplover 
Emne: Re:
dams:

classic

28. August 2014, 17:45:20
crosseyed 
Emne: Re:
dams: Very funny.

28. August 2014, 17:21:30
dams 
A woman awakes during the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe, goes downstairs to look for him, and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words aren't coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
...........


"I would have gotten out today".

23. August 2014, 00:17:06
The Col 
Emne: Re: Robin Williams was cremated...
ketchuplover: too soon

13. Juli 2014, 20:07:33
ketchuplover 
Emne: Funniest "joke" ever.....
Tilpasset af ketchuplover (13. Juli 2014, 20:23:16)
Siteprice.org says caissa.com is worth $2742 more than brainking.com... I'm surprised it's worth more than 1/10 of BK

19. Maj 2014, 08:40:58
crosseyed 
Emne: Re: Following Instructions
Haridaspal:

18. Maj 2014, 14:01:01
Haridaspal 
Emne: Following Instructions
Secretary: Sir, Banta is standing outside your cabin with a bunch of underwear in a basket!!!

Boss: Good grief! Why?

Secretary: I don't know, Sir. Shall I ask him?

Boss: Yes. .... No! .... Wait! ... A while ago I had indeed asked him to debrief his team and meet me in 15 minutes.

30. Marts 2014, 11:53:26
pgt 
A grasshopper comes into the bar, and the bar tender says "Hey, I've got a cocktail named after you"
The grasshopper says, amazed "What, Nigel!"




Just to explain for all the people who don't get the joke! (I have to explain it to about half the people I tell it to. Such a shame!)

A typical grasshopper cocktail consists of equal parts green Crème de menthe, white Crème de cacao and fresh cream, shaken with ice and strained into a chilled cocktail glass.[2]

24. Marts 2014, 05:33:43
dams 
Emne: Re:
rod03801, snowleopard: Good 1!

23. Marts 2014, 20:06:31
snowleopard 
actually thats right. Most people respond with 'I don't know' to which the response is 'An astronaut you ignorant racist.'

23. Marts 2014, 18:59:09
rod03801 
Emne: Re:
snowleopard: An astronaut?

23. Marts 2014, 07:52:58
snowleopard 
What do you call a black man who's on the moon ?

Answer tomorrow .....

22. Februar 2014, 18:35:12
Papa Zoom 
Emne: Re: WATER IN THE DISTRIBUTOR
Haridaspal:

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